Speculatin' on a hypotenuse

There will be one less place that you can get a set of tires and a law degree in Paducah come December 31st.

2008-10-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

The Pain Management Law School & Tire Center of Paducah and Marion annouced the other day that it is going out of business as of December 31st. Dr. Manchaconti - my fauxnetic spelling - said his reasons for closing down the pillshop, law barn and tire emporium were due to the mismanagement of the previous owners and the negative reputation that the school could not escape from being legally entwined with its former incarnation.

Apparently, Dr. M was surprised by the fact that merely throwing cash at a Sally Struther's University type institution, changing a couple of professors and changing the name of the school would not solve the problem. I mean, who would have thunk that a place that was allegedly run as shittily as that joint couldn't be merely saved by renaming it after a local political hero, hiring a new dean and then letting a physician be the owner of the law school? They didn't even move the joint out of the old building. They weren't even trying to break with the old image. Dr. M and his administration - which mysteriously included Tommy O who was one of the fewls in the administration that ran the first incarnation into the legal dirt in the first place - simply thought they could jump in, throw Dr. M's $$$ at the problem and solve it all. Or, Dr. M needed a tax break and new this whole thing was going to hell in KASPERbasket and just shoved some extra dilaudid dough towards it instead of giving it to Uncle Sam.

You can't tell me that a cat who is as successfull in business as him couldn't see that Law Barn and Streudel Stop wasn't going to make it. They had ten students this past semester. In their press release, Dean Putt said they are going to help all their current students get into other schools. What schools would those be? Barber or clown colleges? All the students that could go anywhere else did. These students aren't bad people. In fact, they are victims. They fell for the original owners bullshit that they could get the joint off the ground and accredited within time for them to graduate with a full fledged law degree. And, in hindsight, those cats may have been able to do it because, while they were doing shady shit - holding loan money and such - they kept that joint open longer than Dr. M and his boys and they had more than 10 students as semester. However, these students should have seen that Dr. M and his bunch were fuller of shit than the colon removed from Pelvis during his autopsy because they weren't doing anything different other than gussing the place up a bit. Mr. Goodwrench may have accredited that joint after seeing all the physical improvements to the building, but the ABA wasn't simply going to think that all the problems were solved simply because the landscaping looked nice and the inside of the building was remodled. After going through that goofy lawsuit, Dr. Merriwhether threatening to get his "doctor on" and buy the joint and all that shit, they should have seen this wasn't going to work. Plus, as I said earlier, all the legit students were bolting for real bonafied schools, where they had like ABA seals of approval on the door. On top of all that, with all the shadiness going on with the Big E and the quilt show, these people should have been able to see that Paducah attracts this type of scandal and bullshit and you should take off running anytime the local or city governments are involved and wanting to give people money and large incentive packages to do something. They were also abused by people wanting there money and not stepping up to the legal plate and telling them they didn't have what it took to become a lawyer. Long story longer, my point is, if these 10 remaining students couldn't figure all this out, I don't know that they've got what it takes to be a lawyer.

And another thing. The Big E has been sold and the paperwork has been signed and all that is left to do is to close the deal. A deal that has taken this long and been more drawn out than pee out of an 80 year old penis, and they haven't closed it in over a week? You think there is something going on here? Mayor Turkey Neck talking about Space Ghost maybe not getting loans AFTER the deal is closed? Had to be sold by October 1st to start renovations to save the Quilt Show. It's October 23rd. The deadline keeps getting ignored just like the actual closing.

Where is Ronnie James hotel? Wasn't he going to start construction on the that sombitch like a month or so ago? Don't you love how our local media don't follow up on anything.

Have you seen Richard Abraham's billboard on Park Ave.? Is it me or does it look like him and all those people behind him are threatening you to vote for him for City Commission?

....I'm just sayin......

Unlike Paxton Media Group, I will comment on personnel decissions and I haven't been blogging because I fired myself.

2008-10-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

Paula Bridges, the good looking classy black chic on the news, recently disappeared for about a week. When the local "not Paxton affiliated media" got a holt of the story, i.e. WKYX, they ran with it and the right wing loonies that chat on their message board went nuts with theories that were more conspiracy based then the origins of the Turducken (I mean think about it people. You telling me the government wasn't involved with the combinining of a fucking chicken, duck and turkey with stuffing? Yeah, like some non-government affiliated fewl is going to have the technology or resources to pull that off without laser beams and gamma rays.). They apparently called the head Paxton to ax where our cities version of Oprah went and all they would merely say was that they don't comment on personnel decisions. While they weren't commenting on personnel decisions they were editing her out of their promotional videos that ran on television. Funny thing also was they ran a story with a picture of her in their own newspaper about how they wouldn't comment on their personnel decision the following day. I mean the Republican Sun Also Rises running a story about nuthing is nuthing new. It happens on a daily basis. Have you read Dusty Luthy's columns? They are so sparse in knowledge calling them colums is offensive. They should be called "storzies" or something else ridiculous. Calling that thing a paper is also giving it more credit than it is due. Pamphlet would be more appropriate. Does that guy Steve Vantreese think he is writing for the animals he is covering? I mean, I know his stuff is in the Outdoor section, but I swear, his stuff is so hilljack I expect every other word to be "snort", "chew", "sniff", or "slurp". They are also notorious for fucking up stories as well. One of my best friends from high school named Robbie Robertson played in a tennis tournament last weekend. I followed his progress during the weekend and I knew he made it to the finals but when they listed him as losing to a Murray State player they named him Ronny Robertson. Couldn't you just type that and tell that was wrong? Unless your writing a review of that DeNiro movie, Ronnin I think it was, how in the hell don't you know that motherfucker's name wasn't Ronny Robertson? I mean, if nothing else, you'd think the guy would have had a copy of Music From Big Pink lying around to clue him in.

Anywho, back to Paxton Media Group. What kind of fewls run a story about refusing to talk about the whereabouts of an employee? It was like their equivalent of putting Ms. Bridges on the back of a milk carton. Maybe they didn't know where she was and they were asking for the public's help in finding her. A subsequent story on WKYX indicated that Paxton Media Group wouldn't talk about the firing of news director Griff Potter. Griff, however, let it all hang out and denied being fired and stated that he still thought he had a job with the Paxtons. Then, about a week later, Ms. Bridges shows back up to work and apparently Griff no longer works there. The Paxtons did not comment on Ms. Bridges coming back or the non-return of the Griffster. Weird shit.

All the while Bhupy still has not thrown in his towel and sold the E. He still has the City Commission and the Quilters firmly by the Big E. Allegedly, according to Bhupy himself, a deal was reached about 3 weeks ago and just had to be put in writing and be signed. If you'll remember, Turkey Neck said the only way to save next year's Blue Hair Influx, a/k/a Quilt Show, would be if the E was sold and renovations started by October 1st. Well, by my math it is October 12th. Unless the part of the deal they are still negotiating is what date to set the time machine back to, it ain't looking purty.

Since all this has been going on the Paducah Police have also executed a search warrant at the E seizing (not me, I'm fine thanks) computers because they are looking into whether or not Bhupy finagled room deposits for the BHI (see above) and did not send back dough to those that he may have overbooked their rooms. They also allege they he may have not put this dough into a separate bank account. In other words, the Paducah Police allege Bhupy is doing the same thing the airline industry does on a daily basis but for some reason when he does it its criminal. I think they have also missed the part that it is impossible for him to steal until the people who's money he allegedly took for rooms show up at the appointed date and time and ask for the rooms and don't get a room. Funny thing is, and what our local dunder heads are not reporting, Turkey Neck's main honkey Bill Parson's was running the E when all this allegedly went down so he could very well be responsible for the TWA'ing, if you will, of the rooms.

The Cops are also looking into some former E-ployees who say they sent checks in to continue their health insurance after they ended their E-ployment but their insurance was cancelled because their payments never got their. Once again, Billy P was running the E at this time but it seems everyone is quick to blame the seemingly evil Indian guy with the turbin who looks like a Looney Tunes character. Admittedly, I can see where they can come up with that, but it seems as though there are some other obvious persons of interest in this situation.

So, as the E Turns, it sits down there with parts of it falling off. The foundation is cracking. The days keeping going by like diaphrams not preventing pregnancies after a night out at the Silver Saddle. Yet, these self imposed deadlines keep getting pushed back and everything is still allegedly going to be fine for BHI '09. I mean, if you buy into all that bullshit, just drive down to the E and look at it and ask yourself, what major hotel chain is going to want to have their name slapped onto this piece of shit? Admittedly, it is only going to be after it is remodled but when I went down there to check it out last week, I saw a joint that was so seedy and delapidated there were rats packing up their shit and moving. If they don't start remodeling it soon, it may fall down. Without water and electricity, I bet there is enough mold in that joint to make as much penicillin and blue cheese as a fat salad-eatin son of a bitch with an infection could stand. And another thing, if Bhupy was worried about getting a mortgage on the property, what does that tell you? It tells you that Parsons and Green don't have the 9 million in cash to buy the hell hole from Bhupy. If they don't have all the dinars to buy it from Bhupy, where are they going to get the ducketts to do the rest of this shit? Mark my words, I think Spaceghost Management or whatever the hell it is is shadier than Bhupy himself. The Bhupster is a cheap bastard just out to make a buck. Well, about 4 million bucks. As I've said on numerous occasions, he bought the worlds shittiest hotel and has proceeded to run it into the dirt and has used it as leverage against the Shity Commission against the BHI to up its value. Evil but good business. I think Bill Parsons and his Space Ghost Management firm had something to do with all this shit going south to put pressure on Bhupy to sell the E and/or to get a more favorable price. Parsons was using his position inside the E to tighten Buphy's towel, so to speak. I mean, splain to me how in the fuck Space Ghost Hospitality don't have a written contract to manage that joint when Parsons owns or operates other hotels? Yeah, write.

Well, I've gots to get some shut eye. It is good to be back. I only rehired myself because I couldn't afford to hire someone to do this for me any cheaper than what I paid myself to do it. That is my comment on my extended absence. Maybe I'll take an ad out on someone else's blog.

.....I'm just sayin'......

Sarah Palin didn't want no part of that bridge to nowhere but can you chip in on a bridge loan so we can keep the quilters around for another year?

2008-09-06T20:51:00.000-07:00

John McCain picked the hot school marm chinook (I don't even know what that word means but I think it is a nickname for Alaskans. But, if it isn't, I mint it to be.) Governor of Alaska as his running mate for vice president. She's been Governor since 2006. She's known John McCain since about last week. He clearly only picked her to try to sway the evangelical vote and all Hillary supporters that have stated that would not support Obama prior to his winning the nomination and after his not selecting her as his running mate. I'm not saying the woman is not a viable candidate, I mean she's the governor of a state for christ's sake. But, let's be honest hear. If John McCain wanted to really pick a woman candidate there were others out there that he wasn't going to have to "vet" and that he already knew. For instance, there is that highly intelligent black chic with a name that sounds like a cheap and quick meal idea in the oval office. What's her name? Condolezza Rice I believe?

Now, Palin has been the VP candidate for like a weak and a half and the media has already begun to torture her over the fact that her one apparently large breasted teenage daugter is pregnant. I don't think that is fair because, as the previous sentence points out, there are two very obvious reasons as to how that situation came about. How her daughter doing the nasty and getting knocked up effects her ability to essentially be a political figure head I have no fucking idea. I mean, what the hell? I far more worried that we may elect a crazy fucking 71 one year old nut who said we're going to be in Iraq for 100 years than some woman who may have to wipe baby spit off her sholder before she takes the reins if the 71 year old guy keels over.

As for Joe Biden, all I know about him is that I have no fucking clue about him. He is apparently boring because no one covered his speeches as much as they did hers or I have remembered some shit about him. He's got some bad hair. He's allegedly big on foreign policy and that is why he was picked. His son is attorney general of somewhere and is going to Iraq. Other than that, I couldn't tell ye.

Now back to the more controversial, because she's a hot, allegedly inexperienced "chic"......

All this shit about her not being able to be V.P. and a mom because she's got all the chitlins is bullshit to. I mean her daughter would have been gettin' it just the same if she had been a stay at home mom. That had nothing to do with it. If she had been V.P. it just would have mint a secret service guy would have had to listen to it. She can be an excellent and V.P. No one ever raises questions as to whether guys can be good dads and good presidents or V.P.'s so they shouldn't do it to her.

Now, the interesting thing with her is the son with down syndrome. She's made a big deal out how she'll be a champion for children with disabilities. According to something I saw, while in office, she's actually cut funding for special education while in office as governor of Alaska. Now obviously, that may have occurred before her son was born. However, I think some fewls in the media need to be jumping her arse for those comments and question the shit out of her for making them and ask her to justify them if the numbers CNN threw out there was the true.

Once again, Joe Biden, boring. Bad hair but Donald Trump's is worse and he's not running for president and won't be debating against him.

In one of his post "look at the hot chic I picked" speeches McCain told the anecdote about Palin selling the Alaskan Governor's jet on ebay for a profit. Bullshit. She did sell it. But not on ebay. She sold it to a private investor. At a loss. I mean this guy will fucking do anything to get elected. I have no idea why politicians tell lies that are so goddamn easy to prove are false. I mean CNN ferreted that one out quicker than an actual one out of Richard Gere's rectum. Palin is also bragging about how she told Congress to gargle her ovaries on the famed "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska. This was the bridge that was going to replace the ferry that goes between Ketchikan Island and Gravina Islands in Alaska and it was going to cost a mere $400 million bucks. There is an internation airport on Ketchikan Island for those of you keeping score at home. In reality, Mrs. Palin was all about the money for Nowhere to go to somwehere in her state until the uproar about it in the rest of the country and then she became governor and then she became anti- Bridge to Nowehere.

Speaking of bridges, have you been keeping up with the lastest on the saga of the Sleazy E? Apparently Tom Green and Space Ghost don't have any type of legal agreement with Buphy to really run the Sleazy E and now they have thrown down the turbin and told him either he sells or they are out? Mayor Turkey Neck is trying to meat with an investor who he will not name - which is surprising because up until today's Republican Sun Always Rises he's spilled the last minute beans- to get a bridge loan to finance a feasibility study to get a brand name thrown on the hotel?

Wasn't all of this shit sposetuh have been taken care of back in fucking April when the quilt show was allegedly saved from the grasps of that other interloper then with whatever agreement these motherfuckers apparently didn't have? The Republican Sun Also Rises reported the other day that the cats from Space Ghost operations or whatever it is called didn't have a written agreement with Buphy. Are they exchanging swatch guards up in this trailer as proof they agree on shit? No matter how shitty the Sleazy E is, I can't believe you would have anything to do with a guy so cheap that his turbin is made from a towel he stole from his own hotel without getting it in writing but no, our fucking Mayor Turkey Neck somehow found these cats. The story said they had an agreement to buy the joint but when it was put in writing Bupy wouldn't sign it. I guess we'll see where that will go.

And, of all things, hurricane season is effecting this shit now. Mayor Turkey Neck was going to meat with this private Bridge to a Quilt Show investor but, allegedly, Hurricane Ike and Tina stopped him from showing up. I mean, its one thing if our homegrown idiocy causes us to lose the quilt show, but now mother nature is conspiring against us as well. Mother nature could help us out and have Hurricane Ike and Tina leave a good job in city and destroy the Sleazy E. That would save us all the worry about all these goddamn bridge loans and all this shit.

....I'm just sayin'......

Advertisement ain't nuthin' but 100% lie and, if you don't belive it, F Youk!

2008-08-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

F YOUK! Is what a shirt that I bought outside Yankee Stadium says. If you don't know what that means you probably have never been cussed or have never cussed anyone. And, on a secondary level, you apparently don't understand the Boston Red Sox v. Yankees rivalry. Kevin Youklis is the catcher for the Red Sox. Fuck is a cuss word. Y O U is yourself. Put it together. Get it? The shirt is a ringer T, so to speak, white with a red collar and red cuffs. Pretty tasty. It's written in gothic kind of writing to class up the innuendo of the whole scenario as if the F-Bomb could be classed up. I guess that's why they went with a ringer T as opposed to just a normal T cause that wouldn't have done it justice.

The Bronx is a fucking hell whole. Rougher than your butt whole after eating brillo covered corn. There are bags of trash piled up on the side of the street. There was a brand new tire on the sidewalk near our hotel. Sure, it was like a new spare tire for LeCar, but it was a new tire nonetheless. They had a store in one of the neighborhood's we walked through going to the Stadium called "Kennedy's Fried Chicken and Pizza". Who do you think that was a rip off of? I was surprised the goateed's one's peep's hadn't been down to this joint and sprayed a fucking restraining order on the front of his metal protector things. It was even a pink color and was similar to the Colonel in style. If the motherfucker had boneless slice of pizza I would have felt a need to turn the son of a bitch in myself as a Kentuckian but, alas, it was 9:30 a.m. and there was a 1:00 p.m start and I needed a beer and I had a couple of more blocks to walk.

We're staying a place a mile from Yankee Stadium and the cab ride back the first night was $30 bucks. No shit. How ridiculous. The guy running our hotel told us it was safe to walk during the day but not at night. We walked the first day. Cabbed the night back. The Yankees lost that night. Second night the Yankees lost. Got their ass kicked. As we were leaving, the first cabbie we approached offered us a ride for $50. We politely told him to kiss our ass. The second cabbie acted like he had never heard of the Howard Johnson Inn @ Yankee Stadium, which would be akin to saying you had never heard of the that big shitty hotel they will never start renovating for the quilt fest in Paducah. While he stuttered around and acted like he had never heard of the joint to come up with an astronomical price to quote us, we walked off and decided - in our anger over seeing our team get their ass kicked again for the second consecutive night - to brave the gauntlet and to walk back to our prison like hotel . My dad and I quickly came up with a system. If anyone approached us, we would ask no questions, we would simply kick their fucking ass. It was his 60th birthday and we were going to put everything the Nuns taught him during his Catholic School beatings to use.

We walked past the new Yankee Stadium and down the incredibly broken up sidewalk and past the projects. Projects doesn't really seem like the right word because it seems like a word describing where families alllegedly live should give some kind of hope and, if you could see these places, you would say the only things they projected was fear and poverty. I swear they should have had an endless track of Pelvis' song In The Ghetto playing in the Bronx. At the very leasty they should have had Cartman from Southpark singing it. Whoever wrote that song must have been talking about that fucking joint. I mean, that place was so poor, I could see people playing poker with Spam up in that motherfucker. Anyway, we passed a closed Chinese restaraunt that I do have a picture of called Dong King. No shit. The first day I saw it, I thought it was something owned by the big, finger-in-the-socket-do-having-boxing promoter guy. But no. It's a closed down Chinese food joint that seemingly would have attracted a lot of size queens. Werd.

Back to us walking through the Valley of Darkness. There were several encounters with people that looked at us funny but they pretty much just let us pass. Some of them said "Fuck the Yankees". We never had to bow up. We stopped in a convenient store. It was actually a Quick Market but it was convenient to us. We bought some 24 ounce swills in bottles to drink when we got back to our prison and for protection. As my dad said, "If you ginged someone in the coconut with a 24, you get the double pleasure of seeing them hit the ground and still getting to drink the beer. Always carry an opener." Adrenaline and a taste for the drink are quite a powerful thing when combined in more than moderation. When you run through the jungle, run with more than two 24's as we always say.

As dangerous as it is here, there is a fucking police station right next to our hotel! No shit! The BXTF is right next door! When I saw BXTF I expected fucking Aquaman to show up or someone on a fancy bike to jump a ramp and do a flip or something and give me a ticket for not putting my hair gel in a goddman ziplock bag. BXTF sounds impressive. Cops are everywhere near Yankee Stadium. Sure, the hog presence is kewl but you still definitely feel that just outside in this general vinicinity lurks some unruliness that could be untamed into your ass being finagled at any minute if you were put in the wong sityashun if you weren't careful, i.e. drank to many swills at the game and did not keep your shit together.

Mixed drinks cost $10.50 at Yankee Stadium. Is there some kind of liquor tax in NY that I'm unaware of? Did some Indians throw whiskey into the fucking Hudson river that the federal government is still trying to tax us back for? How in the hell does a drink go from $2.75 to $10.50 from KY to NY? I mean I realize there is a lot of real estate between there and hear (remember I'm writing hear, not there [there meaning KY] ) but how in the wholly hell can there be that big of a fucking difference in the price of a goddamn gurgle burger between the lines? You know the government is so worried about the price of health care, minimum wage laws, social security and the war in Iraq when they should be looking at the price of swill in New York. Fuck the price of gas. Look at how much a drinks costs up in this trailer! I want a Senate Commission with Ted Kenneday appointed. I bet that fewl will be all about investigating some of this shit. He'll be hands on as a motherfucker. There will be a bunch of "fact finding" "on sight" inspections into many of the city's watering holes to see why such inflated prices are being inflicted on "interstate commerce participants". You could almost afford to drive from NYC to Paducah for the difference in the price of gas. Fat Moe's should maybe start to advertise in the the New York Times. Just an idea.

Barak is giving a purty good speech write now. You know what is funny about him? One of the criticisms about him is that he is too eloquent. How in the wholly fuck can you be too eloquent? Can you explain something too well? Can you understand something too well? For instance, can you write too much of a right answer on an essay exam? I mean that is one of that dumbest fucking things - much less a criticism of someone I've ever fucking heard. That's like saying he's too smart or his dick is too big. Yeah, those are both problems any man wouldn't want to have. The Republican Party is fucking stretching to come up with some way to come up with something to say about Obama other than calling him the N word. That's the fucking truth. They can't do it. That son of a bitch is smart. He's intelligent. He has good idea's. He's the political Pepsi to their Coke and he has them freaked out and George W's eight years of mis Q's have set him up for a victory.

HOWEVER, Angry Johnny McCain and galactically rich beer distributing wife is making up ground. He is in a dead heat with BO. It's BO v. JM. We've got to stop the rich honkey without the clue as to how many houses he owns (see recent response to question from the media) from continuing this hell we've endured since the end of the tenure of the end of the fat blow job getting cat from Arkansas from winning the election.

Let's get something else out in the open. Who gives a fuck that John McCain is a war hero! I mean, I do in terms of what he did for the country because he deserves praise for that and we, as a country should always be grateful, but that does not mean he should be president. He won medals for that shit. He gets a fucking pension. He was paid and continues to get paid for that. He is an American hero. No doubt about that. Custer was a great American. That didn't mean he should have been President. It is this simple. If you want another 4 years of GWB vote for John McCain. If you want our equivalent of Custer to be President, vote forMcCain.

......I'm just sayin'........

Things we've learnt in the Big City

2008-08-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

The Hojo Inn @ Yankee Stadium just looks likes a maximum security prison on the outside but on the inside it is quite minimum security friendly.

A Maker's Mark and diet coke and a Yeungling costs $16.00 bucks at a swill shop across the street from the Stadium.

A one mile cab ride from the Stadium after the Yankees get their ass kicked by the Red Sox back to your medium security prison costs $30.00 bucks.

A Yankees Cheese Hero sandwhich with Beef at the Yankee Tavern is a big ass sandwhich that is essentially a side of beef, with onions and velveeta and it is bigger than your ass. The fries are not good and should be avoided. The ambiance is all looney Yankees fans so that is tasty but the food is more subpar than Joe Pepitone's batting average.

Contrary to popular belief, the Bronx is not all bunkers, barb wire and people shooting at each other. Mind you, we have seen our fair share of projects, empty swill bottles, trash, hoochies, hoodlums, alleged miscreants and whatnots and whathaveyes, but all the fans at the Stadium have been very nice. They all been exteremly nice to us when they discovered our hick origins. Funny thing was, when the warden - excuse me - proprietor of hotel saw us walking to the Stadium, he said, "Walk straight that way. Take a cab back." We followed his advice of course. But, in the stadium though, it wasn't a ton of cussing and screaming or really even a bunch of fools harassing the Red Sox fans. It was really a kinder gentler breed of Yankee Fan. Sure, there were people selling and wearing shirts that said "Bawston Sawks Cawk" and the back stated that someone swallowed but, other than that - and a shirt with a Red Sox with a penis for a nose - I saw no real aggession.

Well, that is the first update from the Woad. It's beer thirty and me pop's 60th birthday. We're doing Monument Park and buying souveniers and all that jazz today. Werd up.

....I'm just sayin....

Stand, sit, kneel and I need more cow bell!

2008-08-20T15:06:00.000-07:00

As you may have figgered if you've ever read anything I've ever written on this hear blog, I didn't growed up round no religion. Or, as my pops likes to say, I'm unchurched.

This fact was never more evident than the other day when I about lost my gourd during the funeral of one of yet another one of my uncle's named Joseph. You see my dad had nine brother's and one sister. 8 of the ten weenie-haver's were named in honor of He Who Got None. The lone "split tail" - as redneck's like to say - in the group was named Mary. My fucking dad's family should have had a show on Fox called When Catholicism Attacks.

I couldn't get up and tear out at any point during the mass at the church because I was in the first stink row and I was a paw bear or however you spell it. I took the honor of throwing my uncle in a hole seriously, but the rest of it I just don't fucking get. First of all, when we walked into the joint, the geezer who looked deader than Scorpion (my uncle's nickname), was walking in front of his box carrying a huge cross. I thought for a minute we were renacting a scene from Raiders of the Lost Arc. One of my cousin's son's was wearing what appeared to be a white potato sack with strategically cut holes for his head and arms in it with a rather stylish lime green rope belt that seems to be all the rage for young 10 year old Catholic boys. He's apparently an alter boy. Now, I could digress into a rant about the ramifications of what that may or may not mean but I saw no evidence that Father Pete O'phelia had been fooling around his rectory, if you know what I'm sayin. As for the guy that was apparently on the Masters Tour for Alter Boys, I have no clue what that was all about. He stood there the whole service and helped my second cousin fetch an astonishing array of religious paraphernalia. Huge ass bronze paddles, a silver plated thing with incence in it, some fancy ass bronze wine glasses, some big bowl things with some rather dainty crackers and stick that had a ball on the end that slung water. With all this shit, you could almost envision a priest standing on a street corner outside of Catholic churches asking people if they needed anything after mass and then opening their coats to give them a fix. That or opening their coats to show them wearing nuthing but a collar and a hard-on. See, I just can't get away from the sex scandal.

Anyway, back to the funeral. There was an actual choir singing in the upper deck behind the pews. That was kind of weird. They were belting out the appropriate tunes in response to what Father Chris preached. I've never been to a funeral with a live band. I mean no one yelled out "Freebird" or anything but it was strange. At the end, out of nowhere, unannounced, some guy belted out "Wind Beneath My Wings". I about cracked up. The guy's voice was cheezy to say the least. I kept thinking Bette Midler in drag had shown up at Cut's (yet another nickname) funeral and had decided to liven things up. I got over it once I realized one of my cousin's who I really admire asked that that song be sung in honor of his dad. Otherwise, the yuck factor was high.

I think Catholics invinted step aerobics. What the fuck is the deal with all the standing, sitting and knealing? I thought that extra little bar thing with the pad in front of the pew was a foot rest. Then everyone kept getting up and kneeling on it. Then sitting down. Then kneeling again. They should hand out programs to the unchurched like me before you go to one of these things. Hell, they should almost make you take a physical. There were some old bastards in the back that I didn't think were going to make it with all the chanting about hailing cabs, excuse me, Mary's and kneeling, and then praising the Eucharist tree or whatever it is. What's with all that chanting? I felt like a Moose at an Elk's Lodge meeting. I mean even my dad remembered some of the chants from the days when he use to get beat for not eating all his lunch and repeated some of them for old punches-to-the-nose-from-a-nun's-sake.

And then you got your priest. Father Chris was his name. He was from New York. Once again, you wonder, how did he end up in this tiny town in KY? He would start sentences like, "Were hear today because we're missing someone, but we'll get to that later." He was all about glossing over stuff. He had a northern accent and his tongue smacked his front teeth when he talked. While the choir was belting out songs, he sat in this big wooden chair and appeared to sleep. After the mass and service, several of my family members remarked how great he was because of how fast it all went. Body Mass came in at just under an hour and by all accounts that is miraculous. Praise jesus!

While the service was going on - I almost forgot - there was one point when Fr. Chris was reading from some black book. I can't remember its name. Uh, um...... oh yeah, I think its called the Bible. Anyway, he was reading from "The Bible" and when he read a certain passage, out of nowhere, unannounced, a fucking bell rang. I immediately looked up and wondered if a train was coming threw or someone had ordered Rice-a-Roni. I saw no train tracks and I did not see any waiter so I just thought my Topamax had misfired and I let it go. Everyone sat back down, kneeled again, stood, sat, knealed, sat, stood, sat, back to standing and we were knealing again. Some more chanting. They really should have beer tenders or soda jockeys at these things too. A fewl could make serious ducketts selling concessions during Catholic services. Call it Masscessions. Anyway, Fr. Chris went back to explaining that we were going to spend different amounts of time in purgatory - which led me to believe I need to open a liquor store there - and that's when I heard that goddamn bell again. But that time I saw my mathematical cousin ring it. He quickly put it up and bowed his head like a good altered little boy after doing so and like nothing had ever happened. I looked around to see if this freaked anyone else out and no one else seemed even startled by this event. I couldn't help but to think that I had been placed in the real life funeral version of the Christopher Walken SNL "I Need More Cowbell" Blue Oyster Cult Skit.

What in the holly hell does a fucking bell have to do with Jesus? I mean, unless he ever stood out in the cold in Jerusalem and collected $$$ for the Salvation Army (If he did, it truly would have been the Salvation Army.) I doubt he ever had anything to do with a bell. I'm not saying the Catholics have any of it wrong I just don't understand all the rituals and all the paraphernalia and gadgets they invovle in their beliefs. Either you believe in God or you don't. Cut out all the bullshit and just believe. I think this is why Catholics drink so much is because they're subjected to these long ass services and all that standing, sitting and knealing. The drinking is the one part of Catholicism I agree with.

On a lighter note, my uncle was a skinny dude and he was not hard to lift. We were joking that we could have cornholed him at the cemetary and, if we did with three tosses we should have gotten the funeral free. He was a good guy who loved his wife and children and he fought off emphesyma for years and was ready to give it up. As he went from the coronary care unit to the room where he died after he told them he just didn't want to feel any pain any more he gave my other uncle's a thumbs up and stuck his tongue out at his kids. He died like a man. That's the way to go out.

I also learned that the real name of my cousin Cut Bait is John Paul. Thank god. I could just see being on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the final question being, "What is the real name of your first cousin Cut Bait" and not knowing it and not having any lifelines left. That would have sucked. For the record, he is the son of my dad's youngest brother - yes, the last Joseph - and he is less than 1/2 my age and his dad and my dad are not that close. I'm not as big of an asshole as I seem for not knowing that answer. I promise to give him some of my winnings because I now feel guilty.

...I'm just sayin.....

I've been gone longer than a 10 inch hard on with Alzheimer's!

2008-08-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

I've been busier than a beaver running a brothel lately. I must be horny because that's a helluva of a lot of sex references in the first two lines of my return to blogging. Maybe I should got blog myself before I continue writing to get over it and clear my mind since my wife is running errands. I wonder if I'm the first person ever to substitute the word blog for mastrubation? Can that be trademarked? And now to leave you wondering whether I followed through on that previous threat.......

Well childrens, a lot has happened since I last speculated on any local hypotenuses with you. Sure that stick-skinny mulatto is running for head honcho in charge (I chose those werds carefully) against that shorty stumpy angry former POW - incidentily every time I see that typed when talking about him I think I've been thrown into one of the 60's episodes of Batman. He should run ads "Golly gee willicurs, you've got to vote for McCain America. He's a veteran. POW!". - who wants to keep us in Iraq until the camels come home, but, on a local level all kinds of shiite has transgressed. Paducah Police Chief Randy Bratton quit after all his underlings gave him a vote of no confidence. Interestingly enough, all of them who had previously bitched that he had been too harsh voted they had no confidence in him because they said he had recently become too soft on people. Flacidity is another word I just thought up if it hadn't been already. Everyone straighten out your index finger and slowly bring it down. You get the point. After six or seven years His Hardness apparently went softer than the 80 year old at the pharmacy past closing begging for an advance on his Levitra script. I have no idear whether that is true or not, I just find it nuts that all those cats publicly stated they found him to be too soft. I would have just stuck with the whole he is a dick theory. I guess it doesn't matter in the end because apparently the City Commission was going to actually ball-up and fire His Hardness otherwise he would not have resigned without having antoher job already in place. How do you know he didn't have another job already in place and was going to be fired? Like all other City/County good ole boy shady "resignations" that should really be firings in this town he got a severance package. His Hardness got something like 6 months pay for bolting. I think the terms were something along the lines of 1. Do no work. 2. Leave Paducah. 3. Answer the phone if we call to ask you if you've left Paducah. 4. If someone ask you if you're a "consultant" to the Paducah Police Department or the City Commission, say "yes". Then, even though he was usurped by his own men and the only fewls in the whole mix that liked him were Turkey Neck Paxton and Zumwalt, they gave His Hardness a going away gala at City Hall! My sources have not told me what the attendance was like but I'm sure it was sparse.

As for finding his heir apparent, what did the City Commission do? Yep, you guessed it! They hired someone to help them hire someone! Nothing says competence like admitting you have no idea who is qualified to run your City's Police Department! They immediatly decided that the guys that told them His Hardness was no longer the man and should be told to hit the road were not good enough. Seems strange since those guys apparently had enough sway to push the City Commission to put the screws to His Hardnes. See Above. I have no clue why our City Commission always has this fucking desire to be metrosexual and hire someone to tell them what to do or go outside of our local ranks to find someone to do something when we may have people write here that can do the job. I find it hard to believe that Danny Carroll couldn't run the Paducah Police Dept. but they didn't even give him a chance. They immediately decided to look elsewhere. Then, when looking for an "interim chief" Turkey Neck wanted to hire someone other than who the rest of the Commission wanted to hire - former Asst. Chief Sandy Joselyn - and when she got the job he told her he wanted someone else. What the fuck is that? Why say that shit? She got the job and he's slighting her to her face because his candidate didn't get it. Seems the guys I know at the PD are cool with her as interim chief. Turkey Neck is a nut. That was just straight up classlessness.

Brian Furgeuson was burglarizin more houses than Santa Claus except he was takin shit except leaving presents. He kept getting away and a manhunt was on for like three days. He was breakin news like crazy. The funniest part of the story is, when he was eventually caught, he was in......GRAVES COUNTY! No, weight, that wasn't the punch line. Oh, I forgot. The most amazing part of the story was, when he was caught in Graves County - that much was true - he was caught in the back of local Amish scofflaw Jacob Geingrich's buggy going at a very low rate of speed without a fucking triangle warning symbol! Ole JG apparently was playing an Amish non-showering fruitcake barn-building version of Al Cowlings to Furguson's non-murdering yet still very dangerous honkey fugitive O.J. JG - as I've taken to calling him - is one of the members of that miltant (I just call it that) Amish sect (I added that too) in Graves County that refuse to display the flourescent triangle on their buggies because it is a wordly symbol and it violates their beliefs. In the Republican Sun Also Rises, he said his version of OJ came out of a field and was dirty and asked for a ride. He was riding down the rode, looked down at his copy of the paper, saw his picture and realized he had Ferguson in the back. He then motioned to police he was in the back and Ferguson gave up. What I'm wondering is, why were the police so close to JG? I've got this visual of the police like driving really slow behind JG's buggy following him as if they were just waiting to pull him over for the no triangle display thing and they lucked into this. I guess they were looking for Ferguson in the neighborhood. What I also don't get is how a newspaper couldn't also be considered "too wordly" if a triangle symbol on your buggy would be? I mean hell, the Republican Sun Also Rises exposes you to crazy shit like all those chiropractor adds talking about "spine-med therapy", those infertility ads with the osterich with the head in the sand and their editorial page. That's nuttier than an Amish fruitcake. The stuff in the paper could send an good ole Amish Boy like JG astray. I'm worried about him. Constantly breaking the law. Always in court. Hanging out with riff raff like Brian Ferguson. Someone needs to talk to him. He needs an Amish intervention.

Finally, did you seen Ferguson's picture in the paper this week when they ran a story about the additional charges he's now facing in McCracken County? I mean, he ain't a bad looking guy, but I swear whoever the jailer was who took that picture let him pose. He was turned slightly sideways, his head was cocked to the left, he had gel in his hair, a white shirt on and he had this half smirk on his face. The picture was also taken farther away then a normal mug shot, he was slightly bent over, but you could still see the markers showing how tall he was in the background. It looked like a memeber of a boyband got arrested. It was looked like the cover of an album called "N'SYNC 5 TO 10". If you can get on goole and or the Republican Sun Also Rises and look it up, I highly recommend it. It's a great picture. It is from this past week. Great stuff.

Well, the wife is hear and I've got to unload groceries. I'll get back at ye later hopefully to keep at this. Werd.

...I'm just sayin....

Houston, we have a Four Star Hotel and water park where the biggest shitty hotel in America once stood. Over.

2008-06-19T12:51:00.000-07:00

The Big E is the greatest ongoing story Paducah has going right now. Bhupinder Singh has a tighter grip on the fiscal jubliees of this City via the Quilter's complainin' about his cheapass hotel that it is unbelievable. He's like a one man tribe to our City Commission's collective Custer. It's amazing.

But it keeps getting better. Mayor Paxton asked a guy from out of town to come in and buy the Big E in from Bhupy and tear it down and build a fancy new joint. Well, he bailed out when local cashmagnate Ronnie James ponied up the bullion to build a hotel because its a well known fact that Ronnie has always wanted to play Monopoly in real life. This cat from Springfield, Missouri didn't just bail out though. He called the local HQIC of Quilt Kingdom and axed if they would like to move the quilt off to Springfield, where he owns a hotel and convention center. Ain't our mayor great? In the name of economic development he brings in an out of town vulcher who not only does not accomplish getting the Big E out of the hands of the man who's so cheap his turbin is made from a towel stolen from his own hotel, but he then tries to steal the biggest tourist attraction and money making things this one-quilt town has to offer. Can you imagine, Quilt City USA 200 and however many miles away from Springfield Missouri where the Quilt Show is! Four more years! Fuck that. That fewl shouldn't get four more hours. I mean, what in the hell.

As of today's Republican Sun Always Rises, Bhupy is allegedly turning over control of the Sleazy E to something called Space Coast Hospitality. I guess the Sleazy E is going to be run by that guy who has the talk show that wears the black mask, cape and the white suit. Spaceghost or whatever plans to convert 195 rooms near the convention center to a Crowne Plaza Hotel. That's a fancy version of a Holiday Inn. The rest of the hotel, which will be about 260 rooms, will not be fancy enough to be called Crowne Plaza, so it will be called a regular old Holiday Inn, and it will have a "proposed" water park. The service will apparently suck so it won't be called Holiday Inn Express so keep that in mind people. Remember, I'm always looking out fer ye! I'm like Ralph Nader with a computer only a lot less worried about the Corvere. Although LeCars did worry me. Hey, is Nader that stuff that chics use to get rid of hair? Get back to me on that.

It apparently is going to take a company from outter space to turn the Sleazy E into something we can all be proud of. The E is so sleazy, that it has to be made into two hotels. Its so shitty, it can only be made into 195 really nice rooms and 260 nice rooms. What is the deal with that? They don't want to throw in a little extra alien dough and make it a total Crowne Plaza? Why make the Sleazy E into two different hotels owned by the same intergalactic company? I wonder if you look of Space Coast Hospitality on the Kentucky Secretary of State website if you'll find that they are a foreign corporation originally registered out of Mars. What is a "proposed" water park? The water park has asked another water park to marry it? The water park is in the planning stage but that's it? Either you're putting it or ye ain't? Slide or get off the water park for heaven's sake!

I'll close with this, "I'm so horny, the crack of dawn better keep an eye on me." Is that great or what? I love that line. Tom Waits said that. My dad threw it out the other day when we were talking about how funny he is. Listen to the song of his called Pasties and G-String. Step Right Up is also great and has some great lines. Read the liner notes to the disc that it is on. Good stuff. My Topamax has kicked in or I'd tell you the name of the album.

....I'm just sayin'.....

"Re"Investigating a murder and the James boy sees fit to buy himself another gym!

2008-06-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

Headline in the Republican Sun Always Rises today was that the local powers that are have apparently decided to "re"investigate the death of Dr. Shemwell. I don't know whether that is reassuring or scary. I mean this cat died like over two years ago and now the powers that still currently is have finally decided to do something about it.

I'm not Creskin. I'm not Nostradamus. I never even dialed that black chick with the fake Jamaican accent named Miss Cleo before the Feds shut her down but I couldn't told you she was more fake than the third nipple on the chick you picked up at the Jersey City Tri County Fair. But anyway, my point in all this is, the article in our local rag ran the obligatory picture of Dr. Shemwell's surgically enhanced widowed Penny Baird Shemwell. Felonious shoplifter handgun big hair attorney hirin bad dye job havin chic she may be, she has not been charged with murder. However, that's all that has been insinuated by the Paducah Police Department and the McCracken County Commonwealth Attorney for the past year. Grand jury meetings and the subjects of their investigations are secret, yet when the Shemwell case was being investigated, the Sun knew it, and it was covered by them and WPSDTV. How did the media know this? There's only one source for this information. Who is that source? Who would have a vested interest in prosecuting the murderer of doctor? Who would have a vested interest in prosecuting the murderer of a doctor who stole a bunch of cash from a blue blood Paducah family? Mmmmm?

Why is Dr. Shemwell's murder just now being "reinvestigated"? How in the hell do you reinvestigate a murder? I'm pretty sure he's still dead. Do you start by recalling his family to tell them the bad news and freaking them out all over again? I doubt they'd like to be "recalled" with that news some year later as a part of your "reinvestigation". You think they drive back by his house to see if Oscar and Jane Gamble are still remodeling it? The whole concept of this story being spun as a reinvestigation a couple of years into it really plays poorly for the investigators because it makes seem like they got nowhere and had to start over from square one. I've never thought that was the case. I've always surmised they had a theory and were either waiting on a crucial piece of evidence or they had no piece of evidence conclusively linking one person to the crime and were waiting for one person to "finger" another, hence the the grand jury subpoenas and the attempts to make those fewls testify.

If you own a Solo Flex and it is near a window be careful because Jeff James will probably see you working out and bowl up into your house and make you an offer to buy you out. That fewl apparently has more cash then he knows what to dew with. I went to school with him and have always nude he had dough but I never nude he could throw it around like he was our town's version of Bill Gates. His dad is building a hotel to but the Dot not Feather owner of the Big E out of Buitness, while owning James Marine and all its subsidiaries and Jeff owns Energy Fitness and develops land and all kinds of other gear and now he swoops in and buys Baptists Family Fitness because, if you read the article, he's bored with it and wants to tear it down apprently. Kudos to you Jeff James. Good show ole boy.

....I'm just say'n......

Democrats prefer biracial dudes to chics, my dad and I are going to the Bronx and steer clear of the BLT unless you have death wish!

2008-06-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

Who would have thunk that Democrats would have came out of the elephant closet and openly admitted that they prefer seemingly bi-racial dudes with rather long Tim Burton animated-movie-like-fingers to suit-pant-wearin-serial-adulterees? Well, the 2008 Democratic Primary was an acid test for such and it turned out to be some good shit. While we're on the subject of Billary and Obama, a friend of mine claims that Obama is Muslim because his middle name is Hussein. O.K. and Harry Truman was an English teacher because his middle name was S? You're middle is simply that, a name. It's not an affiliation or association. I mean, if his name of Barack Mason of the 32nd Rite Obama or something like that I could see your point. Or, John FLDS McCain, then you've got something to worry about. Incidentilly, if indeed that is the incorrect spelling, isn't the name of that church in Texas where they stole all the kids from those unibrowed Mormon chicks also the initials of either that flower company or that feminine hygiene spray? I can't remember which? I mean, Merlin Olsen floggin flowers or somebody walking down the beach reminding me of their not feeling so fresh always comes to mind when I hear that FLDS or whatever it actually is. By the way.... have you ever seen so many chicks with buns in their hair wearing denim dresses in one place? I mean, when I saw the footage of the "compound" I thought I was watching something from Ted Turner's colorized classics or some shit. I can't believe there are people still living in the 00's that dress like that. I'll bet dollars to doughnuts there's seperate beds in each room for the husband and all his wives. Also, if you have something that is referred to as a "compound" and footage of it is ever beeing broadcast on CNN it ain't good, the feds are comin. I think that's the first step towards any type of fanaticism is refererring to your base of operations as a "compound". Whenever your quit going home and start going to the "compound", your a nut. The IRS should put that question on tax forms to start nipping some of this shit in the bud. Just put like a high school check "yes" or "no" box if you have a compound question on tax returns and then audit anyone who says they have a compound and then raid anyone who has a compound and I bet crime would decrease dramatically. Or, at the very least, the media coverage of raids of these compounds would.

But back to politics, what's the gig with not having enough experience to be president? How in the hell do you get experience to be president unless you're president? It's like saying you won't be any good at dying because you've never done it before. Well no fucking thanks. You never know if someone is going to be a good president until they get on the job. No matter what all the charts, graphs, bloodtests, farmer's almanacs and D.C. madames say, there is simply no way to know until the phewl gets the job and does it. Being V.P. isn't the same as being the main man. It's a whole separate set of responsibilities and people to lie to, including the V.P.

Teddy Kennedy had his gourd carved on. Wourd is they had to use a forklift to get that thing up on the table. Had to bring in a drill from a cole mine to burr into his noggin. I joke because I kid. I hope TK pulls through. He's fought off a bridge, a plane crash, the curse of his last name, many a venereal disease, the bottle, priests (I'm assuming) and now he's battlin' the Big C. Good luck to you Teddy. You know The Hub sent him flowers.

My wife and my momma purchased tickets for me and my pops to go see the Yankees play the Red Sox for the final series in Yankee Stadium. Yankee Stadium closes its doors after the 08 Season. My dad and I have always dreamed about going to Yankee Stadium but have never had the opportunity. We talked about planning a trip this year but never got around to it. Apparently, my wife and mother conspired to purchase tickets, airfare and a hotel room for the series which also happens to coincide with that dad's 60th birthday. My dad has been a Yankee fan for his entire career which explains why I'm a militant Yankee fan as well because they sucked for the majority of my adult life. Whereas they were great when he was growing up in the 50's, I was privy to the hey day of the likes of such Yankee "greats" as Ron Kittle, Dale Berra, Ed Whitson and Mike Pagliarulo. They weren't good til I was in college. We were given this gift for Father's Day along with two Yankee embroidered carry-on size bags. We will certainly be two hick Yankee fans traveling in style.

From what I understand, the Bronx is a demilitarized zone. I think it is all bunkers, barbed wire and people shooting at each other. I envision Escape from New York. I've got on the internet and tried to find the phone number for Snake Plisken. My mother has already warned us not to get killed and to "come back alive". An uncle of mine told us that we "couldn't get there from the airport". I'm not sure what that means. Maybe I can call one of the 55,000 plus from the game the night before and ask them how to get to the stadium?

I'm sure we'll go check out Monument Park and go look at the Stadium the first day we're there. But honestly, there are two main things about the whole trip. Number 1, my wife and mother cared enough about my dad and I to send us to a place that we both have wanted to go our entire lives that means a great deal to us that is not going to exist in another year and that is very special. Number 2, my dad and I will get to spend a lot of time together doing what we do best for what might be the last time ever with just the two of us and that is simply talking, drinking beer and watching the Yankees. At its very core, that's something that me and that idiot have always had in common and always will and because of how busy I am and because I have my own family now we don't really get a chance to do it any more and, we both understand that and, very soon, my son will be doing it with us, which is a good thing. So, this will be very very special.

WELL GODDAMN LOOK WHO WENT AND GOT ALL FUCKING STEEL MAGNOLIAS ON MY ASS! THIS BLOG SHOULD BE SPONSORED BY KLEENEX OR STAYFREE IF GETS ANY MORE WUSS FILLED! IT'S MY SOFTER SIDE THAT MAKES ME SO DESIRERABLE!

I thought killer tomatoes was just that ignorant movie from the 80's but apparently Mickey D's was so paranoid about Sal Manilla running around in their versions of the fruit that they quit floggin' em today. There's a gajillion ways to go out but if I got kilt by a fucking tomato I'd be chapped. Can you imagine waiting in line, whether it was to get into heaven or hell, and explaining to those in line with you that you got taken out by a tomato?

(railroad tie through his head)Guy #1: Hey man, what happened to you?
(ketchup on your face) You: Uh, what do mean?
Guy#1: How did you die?
You: What do you mean, die?
(holding one leg, missing half face) Girl#1: Oh, come on, what killed you dude?
(trying to wipe ketchup off face) You: Nothing killed me. I was just eating a BLT.
Guy#1: A train derailed and a tie hit me. Something happened to you. A sandwhich couldn't have killed you. What happened?
Girl#1: Yeah, well, maybe he choked on it! Did you choke on it? I was eaten by a bear.
You: (looking embarassed) I'm not dead. I don't know what you're talking about. Just leave me alone.

Condiments can kill. If you fill a condom with ketchup I wonder if that will increase the odds of birth control?

....I'm just sayin.....

My good friend is headed back to a general election!

2008-05-21T16:16:00.001-07:00

This just in.......your good friend and mine, Carrol Hubbard is headed back to a general election! Yes folks, The Hub schmoozed the Democrats in the 1st District into electing him over fromer Court of Appeals Judge Rick Johnson, who runs all of his campaigns so angrily and negatively that you'd think the man had a perpetual wedgie or some sort of foreign body shoved up his ass. Say whatever you want about Carrol's lawyerin' ability, but his good friend ability, i.e. his ability to schmooze anyone he meats, i.e. his ability to remember your name, i.e. his ability to remember your name when he sees it mentioned in the paper and cut it out, laminate it and send it to you in the male, pays off politically, and you just can't buy that. My main honkey and I have already called a drunken road trip to Frankfort to see our good friend if he beats Ken Winters. I hope he does. He can't be as good a friend as Carrol. I mean, I've never met the guy and he's sure as hell never mailed me anything laminated about me from the newspaper. How can I trust that guy?

A pipe bomb was found in a storm drain by a church in Paducah? The Feds weren't involved? They used something "similar" to a shotgun to shoot off an end of the device? If its a fucking pipe bomb should you be using anything "similar" to a shotgun near it? Didn't I read an article in the Republican Sun Also Rises a few months back about how necessary the Feds were to this area and how much we needed them - never mind the subsequent article that seemed to imply most of the local FBI guy's time was spent going to the post office - but, wouldn't a pipe bomb be the jurisdiction of a federale due to the inherent dangerous nature of such a device? If we do have federales still in Paducah, which we do, namely, at least one ATF agent, wouldn't a pipe bomb, which, unless I'm mistaken, would at least qualify as an "F", get you out of the office? Not that I think the local boys can't and didn't pull it off because apparently the regularly scheduled molesting of alter boys was not interrupted by the pipe bomb fiasco. I'm just saying I was waiting to read some quote from a three lettered federally funded individual after seeing that we had ourselves a pipe bomb and I was surprised, to say the least, that one was never included. That's not to say the reporter didn't forget to ask the guy with the ATF hat and windbreaker a question or three. That very well could have happened. For all I know, the reporter thought the Church was also having problems with their phone lines and didn't think that "guy" knew anything about the pipe bomb.

So a kid got pulled in by the undertoe and drown at the riverfront. Why do they call it the "undertoe"? I never understood that. That always freaked me out as a kid. I always thought of it as some big fucking toe was coming up from underneath the water to grab me and pull me under. I believed in the theory that I was going to drown, I just didn't believe in the fact that a big toe was going to be the thing causing me to drown. I knew a big toe couldn't grab me. I mean, it would have to have some other toes there to help grab on me and it was called the "undertoes". It was a weird feeling being scared to death of drowning but not believing in "what" was going to drown you.

The Lower Town Arts Festival is this weekend. This is an interesting festival because it is the one festival that Paducah, for whatever reason, let's its proverbial guard down when it comes to swill. Usually, at a festival of any type in Paducah, if swill is allowed, it is relegated to one area or a beer pen. You have to buy tickets and consume your beverages in a "beer concentration camp" like atmosphere. Well, I guess to make you feel more inclined to spend dough on the over-priced artwork from the artists in the artist witness protection program, you can purchase swill, albeit with tickets, within the confines of the art festival, and carry your swill throughout the festival and imbibe all throughout the friendly roped off confines of the festival. It's not as if this is rocket surgery or is worthy of a patent. This is what the City should do at The Swine Fest on the River but, for whatever reason, probably all the God fearin' fanatics, they won't. So, if for no other reason, you should go to this festival just to be able to have an adult beverage and walk around a roped off area of downtown.

...I'm just sayin....

It's a four star hotel steel cage match!

2008-04-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

The City of Paducah is being held hostage by that biggest shitty hotel in America. You need no further proof then the latest front page article regarding the fate of The Big E that we were graced with in this morning's edition of the Republican Sun Also Rises.

Billy Bartleman informed us that Doolittle has been doing little to keep the big wig as yet un-named developer from wherever from changing his plans to buy the Big E - which is, if you believe Budhiper Singh, not for sale - tear it down and build a fancy four star joint where it sits and sprucing up the existing convention center. The City and Turkey Neck Paxton are all about this plan and offering said unnamed hotel guru more tax breaks than Wesley Snipes got in the 90's.

Up against this plan is local dough hoarder and river magnate Ronnie James who has boned up with some hotelier from somewhere's else. Ronnie has some land near the Four River's Extortion Center - that's what I call it after they nickel and dimed my wife and I for fees on every little thing they could when we chose to be received there after our wedding - and has decided to throw up a fancy hotel of his own because he believes downtown Paducah needs a fancy hotel and the river industry needs it as well. I'd say any dude who owns as many businesses as he does in this area probably has some clue about how to run a business in this area. The best thing about his plan, in my humble opinion, is he's said he's going forward with it whether Turkey Neck and the Shitty Commission offer him incentives or not. Kudos to you rich hotel builder guy!

I find all this very interesting for a multitude of reasons. The gent who own's The Big E is so goddman cheap he most likely stole the towel on his head from the Big E and he repeatedly says its not for sale. He has recently stated he's signed an agreement with - no shit I did not make this up - Spacecoast Hotels or something similar to break it down it two different hotels, condos and apartments and has had another partner in contact with city officials and it will take his willingness to SALE the freaking hole to even get the unknown and unnamed guys plan past square one, but yet, the City prefers to give incentives and dough to the out of town guy who has to have the cooperation of the uncooperative cat from California over the local guy who doesn't even want any help or money from the City. Excuse my English, but what fucking cents does this make? Not enough to buy any of value I'll tell you that.

What is this need for Turkey Neck and the City Commission to constantly being wanting to bring people in from the outside to develop our economy when, especially in this situation, we seem to have local people willing to do it right hear? I'm not saying this masked hotelier lurking in the shadows with his unlimited finances, non-rubber checks and super-wrecking ball is not a good guy and would not do a great job with his Big E project, but why in the hell is our City so hell bent for leather on going with his theory considering that a local business man who's family has started and owned a bunch of local business and brought a river of cash and employed a slew of fewls around this area is wanting to develop a hotel in downtown? Let's see, out of towner who wants dough from the City v. local guy who doesn't want dough from the City. Aren't you suppose to take care of you're own? Didn't I read that somewhere? From a purely xenophobicalogical - if that's not a word it is now - standpoint, Ronnie James should win. From a financial standpoint, he should win as well. From a commonsense standpoint he should win. Any time you can deal with your own, you should. It's not like Ronnie James owns a couple of pawnshops and is stringing his finances together by recycling cans. The dude has the dough.

I think our City Commission is so enamored with making this city seem metrosexual and like Louisville that they think bringing in "big city folk" is the only way to do it because they are more cultured or know more than the rest of us. Ronnie James' money buys just as many stars at a hotel as this other unknown guy's money does. The difference is Ronnie James' money will keep our City from spending any money because he isn't asking for any money. However, the City of course wants to bring in the guy from out of town because he's a Big City guy and will culture us all up and make things fancier down there and revitalize that area. An out of town guy is why our City's jublee's are in a vice to begin with. Mr. Singh has squeezed with precision and, as I've stated before, he has every right to because he owns that hell hole and has played those idiots to perfection. If the City had half a brain, they'd let Singh twist in the wind and get behind Ronnie James project. However, like they've shown in the past, they appoint a task force to appoint a commission to tell Doolittle to continue to tell the unnamed guy to keep trying to buy the place from Singh. They just can't help themselves.

.....I'm just sayin....

They got legalized dope, whores and chicks named Ted in the Netherlands!

2008-04-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

If you read the Republican Sun Also Rises this morning, saw its affiliated UHF version or made out with a quilter in the last 24 hours, that headline makes since to you. If none of that makes sense to you, then gargle my sack. How rude. Oh hell, I just hadn't used my dad's gift to sack related phraseology in so long I just had to work it into my act. Like cold nude buttocks on a Harley rider in October, how could I be chapped at you? Where were we?

Oh yes, legal refer, whores and chicks named Ted. If you saw the front page of the local rag this morning you would have noticed what appeared to be a dude with teets on the front of it accepting roses from a chick. Good guess but (insert Family Feud style buzzer sound hear) you'd be more Wong than your waiter at Number One Chinese Super Buffet. It was actually a picture of Ted Storm. Ted Storm is a chick's chick from the Netherlands, land of legalized cheeba, hoochies and apparently mom's who like to name their daughter's after their daddy's. Maybe her mom was dyslexic and got confused after listening to that Johnny Cash song A Boy Named Sue. In either even, the freaking dude nomer don't explain why the photo of Ted made her look like a Ted. Not to say that Ted burps and farts constantly, likes pizza four times a week and is obsessed with boobs, but judging by the photo, I'm guessing so. Ted apparently quilts a mean quilt though and that's boobs to you on that one ole girl!

But let's get back to discussing wherefrom the Man Storm came. I've always dug the theory of Amsterdam. I have a Man from Amsterdam as I like to call him, i.e. a close friend who is infatuated with the place and use to travel there once a year. And no, despite how that seems, I do not know Vincent Vega. I realize that Amsterdam is not the Netherlands per se but that is really what I think of when I think of the Netherregion. I'm married so the whores no longer apply to me but I still dig the idea that they let everyone else cut to the chase and skip right to beating around the bush, if you will. I mean, if a woman or man wants to accept cash for doing the nasty, as long as all the nastiness is consensual and amongst adults, and no gerbils are harmed, who cares? Paging Richard Gere. White courtsey phone. Richard Gere white courtesy phone. Welcome to the blog.

The dope never did anything fer me either. I just like the idea of people being able to do it if they want to. I'm not going to rule out the possiblilty of doing as the natives do if I were there, but that would be a game time decision. I guess these fewls were sitting around one day with their feet all hurting from wearing the wooden shoes and they smoked some herb, their feet felt better and they thought, this should be left alone and everyone should be allowed to do it. That's how you get to tolerance people! Clogs! Maybe, if we outfitted the City Commission with clogs, we could have package liquor sales on Sunday and we wouldn't have to stock up like you're going on a camping trip with AA members in Yomesite for week every freaking Saturday.

If clogs, which are wooden and uncomfortable, got the Dutch to tolerance, according to my obviously true and now logically proven and indisputable theory set forth above, are Crocs, which are comfortable, made of rubber and gay looking, causing all the evil in America as we know today? I have three pairs. I should be stopped. And I thought I was so open minded and tolerant.

Well, congratulations to Ms. Ted Storm on her award winning quilt. How weird does that look?

.... I'm just sayin'....

got quilts?

2008-04-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

It's Quilt Week people and the blue hair to red neck ratio just increased three fold. Every one way street downtown just became a two way street for the next couple of days whether the drivers being approached head on know it or not. Every restaraunt within 50 miles just began offering coupons, free yarn samples and started serving dinner at 4:00 p.m. to cater to all the blue hairs that have descended upon our fair city. It's kinda like an infestation of geezer Hell's Angels except without all the hell and a whole lot more Angel. You couldn't find a sewing kit, a DVD of Matlock or a fresh prune in this city if your life depended on it because we're getting our quilt on!

To be quite honest, there even appear to be some younger quilters. Dare I say, QUILF? I don't knowed that I'd go so far as starting a pay site all world wide webular style, but I'm just saying that all quilters ain't so old that they fart dust and think of Sam Adams as a fine president. Speaking of quilters and sex, do you think they worry about the blaket or whatever they're laying on while they're doing it? I could just see a quilter totally obsessing over whether the blanket or quilt was getting wrinkled, ripped, destoryed or somehow damaged during sex and ruining it for the other person. You know they Rainman out over the idea of stains.

What's the deal with the guys you see walking around downtown during quilt week? Are these quilter prisoners of war? QPOW's? How could a normal dude stand this type of shit? I mean, from what I understand, the quilt museum does not have a swill or liquor license and I don't see any of these guys carrying beers or drinks around so, well, there is no so, explain yourself? Maybe they hand out xanax, lortab or oxycontin or something to these guys when they walk in because I can't for the life of me imagine how a straight man could stand to walk around all day and look at quilts, yarn, string, different colors of string, yarn, quilts, and shit no matter how much I love my wife UNLESS I was drinking during entire proces. If I was drinking AND taking pills while doing it, I would fucking be quilting before it was over.

I saw what appeared two be either two twin quilters or two lesbian quilters today. They were both wearing the same patch work, pastel colored jacket with name tags on the front. They were walking in step, at sort of a high rate of speed. I think they may have even had matching denim shorts on. Come to think about it, they may have been quilt Nazi's. I'm not sure. Is there such a thing as the Quilt Gestapo? I mean, I didn't see them roughing up anyone for possessing a shawl or anything but they did seem to have some sort of quilt related agenda that seemed to have a tinge of nefariousness.

Now, if Buhdipher Singh really is going to change the Big E into the 8 or 9 hotels that he said he is going to by next year's quilt off, maybe he'll show some good faith by wearing a quilted turbine or whatever. I think that would be a good gesture to the people of Paducah.

...I'm just sayin.....

If the house is a rockin', don't bother knockin' cause that's just the New Madrid Fault sayin' "Hello" so come on in!

2008-04-18T02:51:00.001-07:00

Just when you thought insomnia and a penchant for not being able to let thoughts about your work go would never pay off, your house starts shaking at 4:40 a.m.ish and it all pays off. Of course, that didn't make the previous two hours of me tossing and turning and rolling myself up in the sheets like a joint worth while, but the last twenty minits have been fun.

Here's the thing that been's funnest. For all its Breaking Weather bullshit, it took WPSDTV a little less than 10 minutes to get something on the air declaring a quake o the earth had occurred. Now, tell me if I'm Wong here, but wouldn't an ---- THIS JUST IN... AT 5:00 ON THE DOT THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT. 5.4 ON THE RICHTER SCALE ---- earthquake be breaking news because they are very rare and they literally break shit? They spent every bit of 4 minutes max on the earthquake. Now, if it has been snowing or, there had been a thunderstorm, the majority of the newscast would have been devoted to coverage of such a monumental event. But something as pesky as little 5.4 magnitude earthquake isn't breaking enough. Wait a minute, they did add a rather nifty graphic showing the earthquake on their fancy weather map. But's its gone now. It's been broken over by news of other weather. Apparrently it's going to rain.

The best way to describe the earthquake would be like the shaking of my love handles when I run down a flight of stairs. Or maybe its like how you shake the shit out of your kid when they do something wrong......, er, uh, .... forget that example. Butt seriously, like a Sir Mixalot video, it shook my wife's house like Jello-O. It was really weird because I was sitting hear on the couch trying to be quiet in my non-being able to sleepness. I had the t.v. down very low and was contemplating trying to trick myself into attempting to sleep again and then, out of nowhere, I felt like a pair of double DD's at trampoline camp. My wife immediately came out the room and diagnosed the situation. I thought it was some type of strong wind. Then, realizing that (A) she's smarter than me (B) she's always write and (C) we don't live in a trailer, I concurred with her diagnosis and sent off the appropriate paperwork so we could be reimbursed accordingly.

What do you do after an earthquake? Do you run out into the streets screaming? I thought about it. It sort of seemed appropriate. I thought that I had saw that on a movie somewhere but I decided against it since my wife calmly took a pull from a Diet Sun Drop and went back to bed with our son. Do you start looting and pillaging? I could use a Rolex but the correlation between earthquake and breaking into Michelson's seems tenuous. Maybe there are some books or websites that you can find that tell you what to do after you lived through such a traumatic event as this. I'm sure #1 on the list is look down where your walking and don't step into any cracks. That's the first thing I'm going to look for. Aren't you always suppose to have bottled water and a first aid kit handy to survive an earthquake? How did I make through? Should I go buy that stuff now in case Sheriff Hayden or somebody comes by to check?

Maybe I should write a book about how to survive earthquakes. Step 1. Lay on a couch with a blanket, preferably some type of crocheted action. Step 2. Have a laptop computer and wireless internet. Step 3. Remain Calm. Step 4. Listen to and do what your wife says. Step. 5. Always remember 4. That's a freaking bestseller if I've ever seen it. I should get my own earthquake survival show like that saucy Bear Grylls dude on Discovery Channel who use to be in the English special forces. Have you seen this cat? They drop him off in some god awful joint with the clothes on his limey back and a knife and he lives off the land for a week and shows you how to survive. Basically, he finds an excuse in every espisode to drink his own pee but he's a cool dude. The bastard is fearless and eats things that would make a billygoat reach for the Pepto. Anyway, I could have like a weekly series where I traveled around to known fault regions and tested my survivability by laying on a couch in each region with my computer. I mean, I might have to try different types of blankets and there would be no guarantees that I would have internet access, or that my wife would even let me go. It could be very dangerous. I think I know what the cable viewing public need. My fat ass on a couch with a laptop and blanket in different parts of the world, for thirty minutes, weekly. Oh yeah. I haven't seen this much potential since New Coke or the Le Car.

Well, I'm pretty sure martial law is not going to be called into effect. Birds are singing. The sun is still coming up. According to picture I just saw on Channel Six, Superman still showed up for work today in Metropolis. We're going to be all write. Just look down where you're walking and don't step into any cracks.

I can't stand it. WPSDTV has just named it the "Illinios Earthquake". I'm guessing that's because its epcotcenter was in Illinois. That may be the technical earthquakeologist way to go about naming your children, so to speak, but, since it shook my wife's abode in KY, and I'm claiming this hear quake as my own. Let's be a little more patriotic about our earthquakes around these parts by God! SUPPORT OUR QUAKES! I swear to Jesus I may print up bumper stickers that say such. I have truly just discovered that sometimes being tired is just as crazy as being drunk. Thank you. The 4:30 a.m. show is completely different from the 6:00 a.m. show. Tip your waitress.

....I'm just sayin.....

Chief Bratton is a Jerk, Weather's a breakin' and we all need to get the fu#* over it!

2008-04-09T19:07:00.000-07:00

The local talk radio station has been doing an in depth series on the Paducah City Police Chief's alleged ineptitude where they interview present and past officers about his failures as both a leader and an officer. This is interesting on several levels.

First, it's interesting because he's still the acting chief o' police and some of the officers that have casted asparagus in his general direction may face some form of retribution. Second, one part of the story highlights the now famed incident in which the chief attempted to enter an apartment by breaking a window with the grip of his Glock which apparently ulitmately led to it's magazine falling out and maybe a round falling out. To be clear, no rounds were fired. Third, the chief has recently applied for another chief job in a different city and it is interesting that all of this that has been known for longer than Methusala's address has just now come out on the radio.

So what is going on? We've got ourselves a good ole fashion contradiciton peoples. It's like high school. When I was a senior, I was popular. I had a hot girlfriend but I wanted to hook up with other chicks. I tried to do the honorable thing by breaking up with her and being single so I could date other chicks but then I thought about her dating other guys getting their hands on her boobies and I couldn't stand it. I didn't break up with her and decided to cheat on her. I want to play with her boobies and all the others on the side too. That is what is going on hear. The Paducah City Police Officers don't like Chief Bratton. They hate his goofy ass. They think he has been too harsh on them. However, the minute he applies for another job, its like they don't want him to leave and they start trash talking him so he can't. You think those cats where ever he's applying are going to hire him if they see that this local radio station is running a series on how much his men hate him? Is that a normal occurrence for police chiefs? I mean, if you really wanted him gone, you'd write him letters of recommendation. You'd say he was freaking Walker Texas Ranger. By the way, if you get on www. wkyxwngo's website and look at Bratton's picture, does it look like you should see a link to some kind of registry where it tells you either what he did and how far he has to live from schools or, at the very least, when he got his comestology license? Seriously. That smile is so cheezy and strained it looks like he brushed his teeth with gouda.

Look, I don't pretend to know nuthin bout the beef in that department because I ain't never strapped on no piece and ever risked my tired ass life for money day in day out. But the cats I know and respect that do don't like him. I'm taking their side. That's good enuff for me. I still think they should lie and kiss his ass to get rid of him though. Promotion is the best policy to get rid of dumbasses. See a lot of our local politicians. If you look at their years of expeirence prior to their first elected position you'll see more free air space than then no fly zone over Iraq. Fill in the blank with some of the last local pols you voted for or your superiors. Keeping the same job you got with no experience only means you have expeirence at that job by the way. It doesn't mean you have experience doing anything else.

Does it take a freakin' 5 part series to know he's a jerk and the cops don't like him? I mean damn? Is that a series worthy subject? They should have called it "Chief Bratton:Dickilicious". Who doesn't know this stuff? I could should have been four parts: two balls, one shaft and one head. I don't think Bratton tries to be nature's answer to pickled bologna on purpose, I just think he's got his style and he's in charge and that's the way he is going to run the show. For whatever that is worth, you have to respect that as long as he's in charge.

I was watching the 6 O'Clock news and the cat next to chick with the skunk stripe said tonight was a good night to practice your "breaking weather drills". Breaking weather drills? WTF is that? Turning on the t.v., looking out the window, making sure a tornado is not coming directly at your house and turning it off? The local media in this town is obessed with the weather to the point that it is amazing. I can't imagine trying to convince someone in my immediate family or household that we had to do "drills" based off the weather. Like snowflake jumping jacks or some shit. Stop, drop and rolling to the fridge to get another beer might work but that is as far as I'm going to take it.

....I'm just sayin......

The McCracken Physical Court should open up a soccer bank and just get it over with!

2008-04-03T04:03:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday, there was a followup in the Republican Sun Always rises about an ongoing story where the McCracken County Physical Court has hemhawed around the idea of giving a company that makes fuel out dirt or something else biodegradeable - cue Dr. Evil clip -$1 million dollars. Apparrently, County Judge Executive VanLooneyberry (CJEVLB) has previously indicated he's all about shelling out the county's duckett's to a private company a la private bank style as long as the county gets some decent juice. Some of the other County Commissioners must have expressed some trepidation at getting into the loan sharking buitness because they asked the county attorney's office to issue an opinion on whether or not a county can shark loans.

Then, being ever trustful of the man who said to give Steve Doolittle his money and then sued Steve Doolittle for taking it, when Boaz's office said they thought the County could shark loans, another commissioner asked them to consult the hottest inexperienced elected official Kentucky has ever seen Attorney General Jack Conway. All of this caused enough concern that the Republican Sun Also Rises wrote an editorial stating the obvious that the Physical Court needed to stay out of the loan sharking buitness. The even funnier part about all of this is, allegedly, one of the men that would be getting and/or having control over this dough to be degrable to fuels has a felony drug record longer than the director's cut of Gahndi. Apparrently, the Physical Court's loan application ain't to in depth.

In today's edition of the local rag, CJEVLB is hemhawing around with the Physical Court on where to put a soccer complex. It's either going to put next to private sports plex or near I-24. The decision where to put this soccer complex has been being "decided on" since Bo and Hope were wearing diapers and being plotted against by a collicky Steffano in a maternity ward in Salem. It seems like the Physical Court or the Shitty Commission can't do anything without studying something, appointing a freaking task force or hiring a consultant to tell them what anyone with the proverbial lick of commonsense or gonards to make a tough call could do. In the time that it has taken them to decide where to put this soccer complex I'm sure that there are some kids that have forgotten that they even wanted to play soccer. It's a good thing we apparrently don't have that many hardcore soccer fans in Paducah because, if we did, a drunken gang of soccer houligans would have already bumrushed the doors of one of these goofy wee-girl meetin's and solved this problem.

To compromise, I think the Physical Court should just open a Soccer Bank Complex. It would be the best of both worlds and you could probably even find one consultant to head one task force to tell you how to do it.

....I'm just sayin.....

Paducah: A local scandal every 30 minutes or your next pizza is free!

2008-03-29T04:36:00.000-07:00

If you weren't from hear you probably haven't heard about the goofy local bullshit that you hear about when you live hear. Oh yeah, I not only thought that, but I typed it.

What I mint to say was, thank you to Tommy O. Just when you thought the saga that is the - cue the hopefully non-copyrighted music in your head - Pain Management Law School fiasco jamboree had come to some kind of non-denominational wholesale foreclosure type settlement (all those words just sounded fun thrown together), the freaking interim dean, some sort of fractional dean and an indentured servant or something all resign in protest over Tommy O's running of the joint and his pacific lack of infusion of cash. Interestingly enough, since Dr. Manchikanti purchased the majority of the stock, no one has complained of a lack of Lortabs or chronic back pain. According to the letters of resignation however, creditors have been complaining of a lack of cash being flogged there way. Allegedly, the water to the library was even cutoff.

Tommy O's prescription for this recent round of turmoil was a news conference in which he announced that a cat named Putt from TX would be coming up in June to possibly take over if the students wanted him to. This guy was going to continue to putz around in TX until June because he's dean or owner or both of a law school down there and has obligations until then. Also, the name of the school was changed to the Alben W. Barkley School of Law on the theory that the law school hasn't brought enough embarrassment to the City of Paducah so far and it might was well try to take down it's most famous and successful politician by naming it after him. I mean I don't think the City Commission would have fell for Tommy O naming it the Land Grab and Local Government Incentive Based School of Law. I fucking swear, those guys that Tommy O sued in federal court for this school have gotten shirts that said, "The City of Paducah gave me a bunch of land for nothing, I started a law school, got sued in federal court and all I got was this shirt" as a part of the settlement.

Let's recap. You're school is in complete disarray and the people you brought in to class up the joint when you took over quit a mere month or so into your tenure. They say bad things about you in their letters of resignation and email them to all the students that have hung around. You then ride in on your white horse to introduce the savior that will, bear with you, show up in 3 months. You tell them that you'll be getting the money necessary to run the school very soon and its all just paperwork issues with the loan provider out of New York. You then change the name of the school.

I didn't see the footage of the press conference or any pictures but did Tommy O have an IV or any noticeable tubes coming from him while he talked? Was Dr. Stuffed Pasta standing near him or did he ever appear to have recently injected or gassed him before he said any of this shit? I'm asking because these are the types of statements that are similar to those that I have made under the influence of prescription medications and/or after being brained.

I have no idea who the Putt guy or what his qualifications are. All I know is that (A) he is in TX; (B) he can't come til June; (C) this ain't TX; and (D) March is two months prior to June. So is it going to just continue to be pure uncut legal hell out there until June? I mean is this guy like the Wyatt Earp of law schools or something? I get the impression that it is like that movie Lean On Me out there except for law schools.

How in hell do you sue someone in federal court, successfully win that lawsuit and then take over a fucking law school without already having the necessary funds in place to run it? That's like begging a woman for sex and then, when she says yes, deciding to masturbate. You can't buy a car without either having all the cash up front or having financing pre-approved. I just can't believe that if children really are our future there are no forms for pre-approving financing when purchasing or taking over a school. Is Whiteny Houston a liar? Crazy crack addict sure, but liar? You can buy a car for as little as a dollar a day on the Southside but Tommy O can't come up with the forms or the $$$ to run the law school he successfully sued for ownership over in federal court? Something just don't jive with the whole "we're getting the money it's just been a paperwork issue" story.

Next plan to save the day, change the name! Maybe no one will remember that the school has had all these problems and that my interim staff just resigned and the school will suddenly become an esteemed center of higher education if I name it after a local political big wig! Can't you just see Jon Lovitz' character that told all the lies on SNL and always said "Yeah, that's the ticket" coming up with this one. I'm not even going to sit hear and say that I don't think the American Justice School of Law wasn't cheesier than hell, but I think I'd be focusing on a little more important things like paying the goddamn bills, making sure I had students to attend my school and getting accredited before I got all hung up in trying to latch onto to some fake sense of credibility by humping the leg of the ghost of a local legend.

And now for something seemingly completely different yet somewhat related.....the Big E still ain't fer sale because Mr. Singh ain't losin' enough money to make him sell! What? Mr. Singh and another Mr. Singh - who may or may know each other - gave an interview to a reporter for the Republican Sun Always Rises this week in which they essentially stated that were happy with owning the Big E. They knew the property was worth a lot of cash and that they had no interest in selling UNLESS the price was right. Well come on down City Commission.....

Singh has probably put some cash into restoring the vintage 70's porno deco style theme of the hotel but you can find most of that stuff for cheap on pornbay. And, as I've stated on numerous occassions before, who cares if he does or does not fix up that lego lookin' monstrosity? Sure it would be better for the City and everyone if he did, but, you know what, he owns it and can do whatever the hell he wants with it. I don't see anyone bitching at whoever owns that building downtown that looks like a three year old plastered it with tiles from a gay man's Scrabble game. The tile looking things are pastel colors and there is no business open in the building. There are all kinds of other buildings that look like hell downtown that have problems but the Shitty Commission isn't on the backs of those owners.

So who is the Big E valuable to? No one except the City of Paducah, quilters and the yearly influx of psychic fair attendees. Of course, they knew that before I even wrote it. Or did they know I wrote this before I ever knew that? Anyway...the hotel itself is not what is valuable, it's the land. Singh has them by the moutain oysters. I bet he got the idea to buy the joint by hearing about how riled up the Commission got when one of its own task forces recommended tearing the thing down. You remember that years ago? Turkey Neck and the Then Shitty Commission paid dough to some guy to study what to do with downtown and he suggested tearing down the joint to build a new hotel. When he suggested that at a meeting, Turkey Neck got all offended. Now, however many years later, that is what the City wants to do. I'll bet dinars to doughnuts that Singh saw that somehow and that's how he got involved. How else would he end up in Paducah?

In either event, the City will try to condemn the property, litigation will insue or they will pay him major duckets for it. In any event, Mr. Singh is going to get his $$$ for the biggest shitty hotel in America. Smart guy. Seems like he and Tommy O share the same theories on running a joint don't they? Maybe they could move the law school to the Big E. Each student could have their own personal classroom. It'd be the only law school in the country with a bar and all you could eat weekend Prime Rib Buffet. I like it.

....I'm just sayin.....

It Ain't So Easy Bein' The Big E and Sleazy

2008-03-10T18:10:00.000-07:00

The City of Paducah is "oncet" - Paducah werd - again considering buying the Big Sleazy E because Budipher Singh, the new owner, refuses to cooperate with City, put any cash into the hotel, perform any renovations as promised, promote the convention center or provide the City with financial information.

Everybody's favorite stereotypical Indian gent has certainly made bigger fewls outta our local city government than the former owners of what I use to refer to as the American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center but have now more pleasantly began jingling to as the Pain Management Law School of Paducah and Marion. By the way, could the Indian guy look more like something out of a Looney Toones episode or what? I mean does the towel on his head actually have a ruby in it or am I making that part up because I'm damn sure there are belly dancers and magic carpets in the back ground of every picture if you look closely? The curly cues on the ends of the handlebars of his mustache couldn't be more choice if they were the toes of jester shoes.

Eitherway, as I was saying, those cats that ran the Law Barn and Tractor Depot managed to somehow shuck and jive their way into all that land, buildings and $150,000.00 in salaries per year without actually putting up their own money. If you thought that was more magical than that pill that will make both your weenie stiff AND give you the ability to throw a football through a tire, wait till you hear what Mr. Singh did. He bought a hotel that was sleazy, run down, allowed it to remain sleazy and get even more run down AND he makes our tired ass little city pay him a little stipend every month because his sleazy joint is connected to our city's convention center. I mean god fucking knows our City couldn't do without that square metal building in that strategic location with shitty parking on the wrong side of the floodwall. I can see why they pay him to a monthly fee, especially when you consider the outside entrance is adjancent to the classy neon sign of The Silver Saddle. As a further aside, do you think Dr. Kelley, psychiatrist, moved his office down there as sort of test to see how fucking crazy you are? Meaning if you made an appointment and actually showed up down there you are nuts and you need his help? I would have to think that's what he's getting at because, from what I understand, trolls, for the most part, don't have a lot of psychiatric problems or insurance.

To get back on point, the City pays his cheap ass like $20K a month. He probably steams the stamp off the envelope the check comes in, washes off the postmark and reuses it. They have no control over what he does with the money. They can't make him spend it on improvements or marketing the convention center. Not that there are going to be a lot of conventions that are going to want to come to a joint that is decorated like a 70's porno set. I mean maybe you could book like 70's porno star reunions there or something but I doubt that is going to be a very big market. Well, I guess the "size" of the market is going to depend on who shows up. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

What this fewl did is swoop in and buy the biggest cheap hotel in America for the simple fact of running it into the dirt because he knew Turkey Neck, a/k/a Mayor Gobbler, and The Shitty Commission would bow up and eventually step in, fall for his lack of improvements and buy the joint from him at a profit.

I'm not saying that someone doesn't need to wrangle the Sleazy E away from Sanjay Snuggle (because his towel looks so soft) but I just don't think our peeps in charge need to be the ones in charge of doing it because they've shown a great ineptitude at figgerin' out how to figger out this problem. In the werds of my wife, are you with me? I'm not sayin' we need to call in the Lone Ranger, George Washington or General Custer - well maybe that last one wasn't such a good example - but we need someone other than the peoples we've got or we'll end up getting curry in our cornhole again!

...I'm just sayin.....

Throw a whole buch of shit out there and hope some of it sticks!

2008-03-06T19:10:00.000-08:00

So, Dr. Merriwether's offer to by the American Eagle School of Law & Tire Center wasn't exercised because, even though he seemed to state he was exercizing it, he didn't exercise it. Then, out of nowhere - much like a Twinkie out of the dark - Dr. Manchicanti (correct spelling optional) swooped win with Tommy O and some as yet unnamed investors and purchased themselves a heavily indebteded school of law.

First thing on the agenda for the new owners? Accrediation? Nah. Get back some of the students you ran off with the mudslinging and the lawsuits? What fer? They bolted for fancy "accredited" lawschools and things called "jobs". Let'm go. Nope. Focus on a name change. According to the Republican Sun Always Rises, one potential name is something like the Alben Barkley School of Law. Not bad. It's an homage to our local big wig and it sounds a helluva a lot cooler than the actual American Justice School of Law. I've always thought that sounds like a show on A & E. Either Bill Curtis - host of the actual A & E show American Justice - should be the dean or the library should be named after him. Maybe he could be the voice on automated line you call and can never get a real person if you call out there to find out they still haven't been accredited. If you're going to be told you've wasted money on an education that will not let you take the bar exam in any state, at least it could come from an award winning journalist and television reporter.

Eitherwho, I think they should embrace the humor of the whole situation that has occurred until they are accredited. The Sally Struthers School of Law has a nice ring to it. Since Dr. Manchicanti is involved, the jingle is already in your head for "The Pain Management Law School of Paducah & Marion". If the ABA doesn't have a since of humor than who cares about that weenie accredidation? O.K., you do, but it would be fun to have some laughs in the process.

Werd on the street is them fewls can't even get student loan companies to lend ducketts to the peeps out there anymore. Have you ever heard of a student loan company not loaning a student money? Those fuckers will loan anyone money for anything because bankrupting that debt is harder than a teenage weenie at 6 a.m. Student Loan Xpress or Sally Mae will lend you dough to complete your master thesis at Barber's College entitled "Mullets: Were they all busines up front?" but they won't give you any money to further your education Tommy O style. Mmmmm. That should tell you all you need to know about the future of that joint. That would be like there not being a Waffle House at every exit in Tennessee. You get my point? They're everywhere for a fucking purpose people! Where was I? They is supposedly dropping tuition and loaning students money themselves via promissory notes until their alleged accredidation. I would make sure that my promise only applied if they got accredidited before I graduated.

What in the hell is a super delegate? Did this delegate get exposed to gamma rays and have the ability to bend shit with their mind? I get this idea of a polling station where you see all these normal people standing in line waiting to vote and then you see this one person mixed in wearing tights, a cape, boots and carrying like a paper, briefcase and a drinking coffee like it is no big deal. Nobody is freaking out though because its an election year and he's a super delegate and he's expected to be there.

The guy that created Dungeons and Dragons died the other day. I never played that game but I watched my galacticly intelligent cousin play it with his friends when I was a children. To know one's surprise this occurred in a basement. I always remember hearing the stories about how parents should keep their kids from playing the game because it was evil and it promoted devil worship or whatever but I simply thought it was "gay" - as was the saying of the times - or simply not cool. And by that I mean it required imigination and didn't have video graphics, chicks didn't dig it and, at the time I was exposed to it, I didn't dig chicks because, at 8, I merely believed in Transformers (The toys, not gender confused people), baseball and Nintendo. Thinking that a game involving cards, a board and dice made your kid evil takes more imagination than your evil kid ever had. That's a parent burying their inattentive head up their ass until their kid does something bad and then, when their cleaning up their room, blaiming it on the first weird thing they find. Dungeons and Dragons was craps for white nerds. That guy was a genius. He should be applauded and missed. He was a true innovator.

Toucan's has purty tasty fair. Eye dun tasted me the burger at lunch at the Yardbird Georgia for dinner. Boned up with onion rings with both. Service was the same cat on both angles. Nice guy. Oddly, lunch ambiance was lower than night time. At night, you almost need sunblock with a moderately high SPF due to the brightness of the lights. Price was fair. To be clear, service and food was good. It is strange to be in the Old Fungal Flower where I swilled so many a swill to now be sitting underneath plastic tropical vinery. You kind of feel like you're in Jimmy Buffett's outhouse. I do dig the joint though. I had deuce margaritas at dinner. Very tasty.

Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I'm startin' to get scaret from all the snow that alleged to start fallin' hear shortly. I'll get back at ye. Palabra.

....I'm just sayin'......

IT'S OSCAR SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

2008-02-24T05:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not even really juiced over the Oscars, I just wanted to type out a "monster truck promotion event" themed line in my title. You don't often get to say the day of the week three times in one sentence and I highly recommend ingressing on that egress if you ever step in that stink. Even I don't know what that mint. Why do those motorcross and monster truck type people always scream the day of the week three times when they're telling you when and where they're going to hick it up at? I mean, I sometimes transpose a digit or two when writing down a phone number (or playing with dyslexic fingercuffs) but are people that are interested in that type of stuff so lacking in calendar skills that they have to have the day on which it occurs verbally seared into their brain like some kind of cattle brand? I mean for the love Jell-O, last I chequed (English spelling) there's only one Sunday on the calendar to choose from and it only happens once a week and, oddly enough, the day it happens on? You guessed it. It's called Sunday. I guess the trick isn't remembering where your hardhat with beerholders is, where your "America loves guns, trucks, beer and babes" t-shirt is, or where you saved up all your "xtree" nacho money, it's on what day do you need to get all this shit together.

Eitherway, back to the Oscars. I dew dig me some Jon Stewart. Saw him for free once when I was in college. The local cable access company in Lex Vegas had cancelled comedy central. Oh yeah, I went to college back in the Dark Ages of comedy before South Park, The Daily Show, and the show that funny black guy had and got all angried up over and quit. It was called the mid-1990's people. Freaky. Eitherwho, somehow, Mr. Stewart got brought to UK's campus and, if you signed a petition saying that you wanted comedy central back on local cable, you got to see his concert for free. Jeff Garland also performed. He's that big fat dude on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don't watch that show, but I think Jeff Garland is funny and his stand up was tasty. Jon Stewart was on the cusp of his bigness at the time. He had just released a stand up special on HBO that was funny and he basically rehashed that act, but he was good. Garland did more local humor making fun of things he saw in Lex Vegas. They were both good and, apparently, enough signatures were finagled, because we got out comedy central back.

I could careless what in the hell anyone wears to the Oscars. If I were to go to the Oscars, I would wear a nice suit, but I think I'd have to show up have liquored up. How do you go to something like that without having some cocktails? All those big wigs, all those peoples who normally chase Brittney taking the day off to take pictures of you? That's a lot of pressure.

I always find the shows that dissect what the people where amazing. I mean, I don't think there is anything covered and analyzed more than Breaking Weather or a major football game. I am surprised the Oscars coverage doesn't employ somekind of Vera Wang Radar where Melissa Rivers breaks onto your screen in front of footage of certain star wearing a dress and then proceed to explain how a "Fashion front has moved in from the south and appears to be headed in a classy and elegant direction and, barring any encounters with a drunken Russell Crowe or pasta, we expect to see this continue throughout the evening." I expect to Ryan Seacrest with a telestrator explaining why Steven Speilberg's three step shimmy past Tom Hanks, who were both wearing fabulous numbers by Armani, will go down in Oscar lore as averting a sprained ankle that could have cost one of them an extra trip to the salad bar.

I have no clue from wherest this came. I just stepped back and let it flow. Werd.

I'm just sayin......

Let's sell some crack, kill some vampires and refuse to pay taxes!

2008-02-02T04:39:00.000-08:00

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS MY ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN STUFF I READ ABOUT TAXES AND THE TAX CODE AND ODDS ARE IT HAS MORE WONGS THAN A CHINESE PHONE BOOK. I HAVE NO UNDERSTANDING OF TAXES, HOW THEY WORK REALLY OR HOW THEY ARE FIGGERED. I MERELY PAY THEM AND TAKE ALL MY STUFF TO MY CPA AT THE END OF THE YEAR. AND NOW ON TO SOMETHING COMPLETELY RELATED......

In New Jack City, Wesley Snipes was a crack dealer of epic proportions who styled his hair like Tetris shapes. In the Blade Trilology he plays a superhero "type" character with teeth issues.(Any Sci-Fi nerds that I've offended with this description - I've never seen an entire Blade movie - need to take off their spock ears, wipe their nose and don't get in such a rush to leave their mom's basement because that is not the point of the wisdom I'm about to fumigate.). The teeth thing leads me to believe his character is either a vampire revolting against his own or, a vampire murderin' fewl who got really screwed on a set of crowns. For purposes of this little jaunt through the Topamax laced synapses of my gourd will call him Blade City.

Either way, Blade City himself, recently went on trial in Federal Court in Florida for conspiracy, tax fraud and failing to file his taxes. He asked for $11million in refunds and paid the IRS with fake checks, according to press reports. Apparently, Blade City paid taxes through the 90's until he met this one cat who founded this group that believes the government doesn't have the right to tax any income unless it is made outside the United States because of some obscure section in the tax code. This argument has been shot down more than Wil. E. Coyote flying an ACME plane over a Nerf no fly zone. Blade City's attorney's argued that he wasn't a crack dealer, vampire killer or tax cheat (ok, I added the first two) but just a poor sole who got bad tax advice. Asking for $11 million in refunds is not as much as bad tax advice as it is an attempt to steal money with a pencil. But, I will come back to that in a moment. In the vein of Barretta, Snoop Dogg, Ojay 1.0 and Micheal Jackson, it worked. Blade City was merely convicted of the misdemeanor counts of not filing his tax returns! For his two co-defendants - the non-tax payin' theorist and discredited CPA - not so much. They got rung up on all charges and one count of not being famous.

If you ask me, Blade City's lawyer's are superheros in real life. If I'd won that trial, I swear to Wal-Mart, I'd wear a freakin' cape. That is some of the nuttiest shit I've ever heard. I mean, you pay taxes during your whole life and then, suddenly, in 2000, you meat some nut who shows you a passage in the tax code that is more obscure than the answer to a Dennis Miller themed word jumble and you honestly, with no criminal intent, think to yourself, "Hey, I've been paying a whole bunch of money my whole life that I didn't have to. Everybody else pays and says I have to, but this guy, who has his own trailer in the desert surrounded by barb wire with guards and no running water and endless supply of potted meat says I don't have to pay taxes on money I made unless I made it outside the country." Yeah, right. And then, as if that isn't enough, you start to let a freakin' CPA who no longer is "C"'d (the guy had lost his license) do your taxes and you don't think, making millions of bucks and also requesting refunds of tons of cashola, that you're doing anything wrong.

Anytime I hear these stories of famous people being taken adavantage of it makes me sick. I don't make a ton of dough, but, I've got an accountant and, if he started telling me that I only had to pay taxes on money that I made while holding my left nut on the third Tuesday of the week, and I hadn't previously read about the "Left nut holding third Tuesday exemption" in the paper or seen it on the news, I would pick up my WD40 and run. Or, W-2. Whatever it is.

[I lose it for a while about two of Blade City's movies but, if you bear with me, I get back on track for a somewhat strong finish.]

The government should have also indicted Blade City for making White Men Can't Jump and Money Train. I would lessen the White Men Can't Jump charge to a misdemeanor because Rosie Perez showed her boobies, but what a stoopid freaking flick that was, eh? First of all, we all know the majority of honkeys can't jump. I am one. I live it on a daily basis. I remember the dreams of being able to dunk because I could touch the backboard in 6th grade. I remember thinking I was getting closer when I reached 6'2 in high school and could touch the support of the rim. Then it all simply stops. You can't jump any higher no matter how hard you try. You're either born with "airability" or ye ain't. It's that simple. I still remember the day I finally admitted to myself that I could not jump. And, like having your pubes tweezed, it still hurts. The honkey's inablity to verticulate, so to speak, is why the step ladders business is so profitable. Step ladders give you just enough reach without having to break out the full sized ladder while looking like a total wus and calling complete attention to the fact that anyone who could jump high enough to hurdle a pancake could get whatever it is you wanted without the need of such a crutch.

Where was I? White Men Can't Jump the Movie. Blade City should have to pay back the ticket or rental taxes to everyone who watched that turd. Boobies aside, Rosie Perez's character was annoying and her infatuation with Jeopardy was less cute than Rainman's. Her incoherent, high pitched hysterical Spanglish babbling in that movie was only good for warding off deer and peeling paint off walls. Woody's jumpshot looked as if he were a constipated octagenarian throwing a ball while being flung from his rocker. I just can't imagine how someone sold that flick to a studio on the premise of two dudes hustling people for money playing basketball at the beach while one of them's incoherent Spanish girlfriend practices for Jeopardy and they have a falling out at the end but the Spanish chick gets on Jeopardy. I guess rich Hollywood executive types do start drinking before lunch!

Cash ChooChoo a/k/a Moneytrain. Blade City and Woody apparently got past their screwing one another over in their basketball hustlin' days to become cops. Unbeknownkst to the rest of us, they're foster brothers. Woody has a gambling problem and owes a heavy -industry term- a lot of duckets. J-Lo is a new cop on the block (I couldn't decided whether to insert a joke that her ass was her beat - meaning that is the area she had to cover as a cop in the movie - or that her ass was her partner) that has the hots for Blade City even though Woody has one for her. Blade City and Woody know this train with all this $$$ comes through NYC at certain times. Woody finds out that Blade City knows his way around Jinny's block, if you know what I'm steppin' in, gets pissed, and decides to rob the train to pay off his debts. It all goes south, Blade City shows up to stop it with J-Lo and Woody essentially gets away without stealing the $$$ or being caught. I think Blade City even paid Woody's debt off for him. Probably with some of that $11 mil he got back in taxes.

What the hell is that all about? You make millions of dollars for a movie like that and then have the audacity to say you shouldn't have to pay taxes on it? We should have been paid to watch it! Does anyone else find it strange that a guy who made a movie called Moneytrain ended up crossways with the IRS?

An $11 Million dollar refund? Could you get one of those anticipation loans from H & R Block on that? I think if I made that much money I'd go to one of those Cashland Express places to have my taxes done. It would be worth it to walk in and sit down just to see the look on their faces. Maybe you could also ask for a title loan on your Lamborgini or Ferrari while you were there. Those joints ain't nuthin but legalized loan sharking. Eitherway, that would be some funny stuff. If you're getting an $11 million dollar refund, doesn't it almost seem like you shouldn't even be paying any taxes to begin with? I mean, if the government is giving you back $11 million couldn't you just save them the money by not paying anything? That would be a whole lot less paperwork to fill out.

Passenger 57? Isn't that a steak sauce? If I'm making a movie about a passenger on a plane, its going to be about a passenger in first class. Not because they're cooler or more interesting but because of the free alcohol and snacks.

On a local level, is Super Tax on Jackson Street also selling lemonade? Do they also file urine samples with your tax returns? Why in the hell would you paint your Super Tax business a psychedelic urine color? I understand the theory of trying to get everyone's attention that your business is there, but I'd bet nipples to nodules that 30% of people who come in are merely there to use the bathroom. It's like this big reminder on Jackson Street: "Super Tax: Do you have to pee?" My wife and I have been using it to potty train our son. We ask him if he has to pee and we show him a picture of the building and he tears out. Boys got better aim than me now. Thanks Super Tax!

I'm just sayin.....

WPSD TV's tryin' to scare the sleet outta me!

2008-01-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

If McCain wins, will Matlock be appointed Attorney General?

Would WPSD fear mongerin' winter weather reports get even higher ratings if Jennifer Rukavina simplified things by simply going by J-Ru?

Speaking of WPSD's fear mongerin' winter weather reportin', has snow ever killed anyone in this viewing area? Why do they constantly beat us over the head with the brand name of their radar? As if I know weather or not there is a brand out there better than Doppler. Do you gauge weather or not you believe the veracity of their report based on the brand name of the radar they used to figger it out? "Well, I was gonna cancel that trip to Louisville cause I heard we was sposetuh get 8 inches of snow, but then I saw where that damned old meateeorolgoist that done figgered that up used a Cuisinart, and I said, pack yer bags ma, we's a goin'."

Is there any other profession than meterologist where you can be wrong so often and it not matter? I mean, do you ever hear of these guys losing their jobs? Who gives a damn if you call for snow and you only get freezing rain? Are you a hack if you bet the farm on hail and it turned out to be sleet? I mean, the roads are still slick either way, so how they got that way really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of thangs. All that matters is, immediately after having the absolute buh-Jesus scared out of you by J-Ru and her visions of a frosty ice and snow covered death, you run to your local super market and buy all the goddamn bread and milk that you can get your hands on.

I'm just sayin.......

Geezers Unite: Vote McCain!

2008-01-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

Like a blue-hair still standing in line at 5:00 p.m., old, pissed-off and crotchety is apparently the way the political wind is a blowin' if yesterdee's pole results were any indication. John McCain's angry ass won the Florida primary and is now the front runner to get the Republican nomination. I guess Methusuala was too conservative to run? Strom Thurmond still too dead to run one more time?

Rudy Guliani - who may or may not be Mr. Bowler Hat from Meet The Robinsons - finally turned in his last can of Daper Dan hair cream and lisped himself a speech that couldn't have been more concession in nature if he'd been simultaneously floggin' hotdogs and nachos. He officially threw in his American Flag designed towel today.

John Edwards decided he was going to take his good looks and sex it up elsewhere. Quite frankly, the level of ass on this campaign was well below his standards and he'd had enough. Losing to other politicians is one thing, but losing to other uglier politicians is another unbearable thing all together. I mean, Obama ain't ugly but he couldn't charm the panties off a nun like my boy J.E. Admittedly, Hillary does give in to that guy fantasy thing of letting her man be with other women, but, short of that, a fifth of grain alcohol and your favorite mantab (Viagra, Cialis, Levitra) ain't much happenin' in the Marvin' Gaye department if you know what I'm layin'.

NBC announced this week that Law & Order would be back next season but the Fred Thompson campaign was being cancelled for low ratings. Apparently, voters found the plot line of a real-life attorney who became a real-life actor who played the president in movies who ran for president in real life unbelieveable.

If Ron Paul were any more write I think he'd get .5% of the vote which is 50% more then he's getting now and I'm a freaking liberal democrat! Oh yeah, I said it! And while I'm at it, vote Eric Youngblood for Paducah City Commission in '08!

Mitt Romney. That's like the name of a Disney movie about a poor kid's baseball glove that save's the big game in the World Series isn't it? No, wait a minit, it's the name of the mainstream religious guy who's worked his ass off for everything he's ever gotten and is just like the rest of us working slobs and knows where we are coming from, right? Wrong guy? What? Are you sure? He's that galactic millionaire Mormom guy straight from the Tabernacle who was governor of Massachusetts and has changed his positions on the issues so much that some people call him the Porn Star of Politics? I could care less about the Mormon thing. If he wants to drink salt water, sing with a choir, wear a suit and ride a bike I could care less. That does not bother me. I just can't dig the whole complete flip flopping on the issues. For abortion one year, against it the next. It's not a tax exemption you get biannually in a divorce settlement. You either believe in it or you don't. It's your opinion. Changing it because you're going to run for President is weak.

Obama. It's almost like you were surprised as you were about to say the name of a certain Southern state. Seems like an allright guy to me. The general knock on him seems to be he doesn't have enough experience. All those movies Reagan was in were the right amount of experience for voters in the 80's, but that didn't work for Fred Thompson in 08'. Weird. Point is, experience doesn't matter. Do the people smell what you're steppin in? If the answer is yes, then you two can be El Presidente. Obviously, the 800 pound bean pie in the room is the fact that Obama is black. That is the true question. Can a majority of American's vote for a black man for president? We will never have a better Ebony v. Ivory election than if it is Obama v. McCain.

Then you've got you're Hillary. You either love her or hate her. With Wild Bill, you either loved him or hated him as president, but it seems as though everyone loved him as a person because he is charismatic beyond belief and fun loving by all accounts. With Hillary, its a love or hate type feeling with her personally. Of the people I encounter its 50/50. Interestingly enough, much like my fear of mayonnaise, guacamole, sour cream and cream cheese, most people cannot articulate a rationale basis for their hatred of Hillary. If you ever ask someone why they hate her, notice how they'll say, "Oh, I hate her because she, we'll Hillary, well, she..., Bill was sleeping with all those women and that just was not right and .......", they trail off. Or they'll come up with health care. OK people. She had a dumb idea. So what. I rolled my jeans up for years. Should people not hire me? They either want to throw that one big debacle at her or attribute Bill's wandering penis to her. My theory is this: If she and Bill have some agreement that he can dork every other chic they meat, that's they're gig. I don't care. My recollection of the Clinton years was that they were purty sweet. The economy was good. People were happier. The stock market was up. We weren't on the verge of a recession. Ass was less than a buck a barrel. It was fabulous!

I'm just sayin'.......

I hope he ain't lyin' bout the dyin'!

2008-01-26T06:29:00.000-08:00

Recently, a shriveled-up and be-speckled old coot in Illinois has started to share his memories of the late 70's and 80's with the police. While you can normally get away from a geezer druing story time by offering up a refill of prune juice, asking "Is it time to take your pills?," or accusing them of farting, the police are'nt employing any of these tried and true methods. They are intersted in this dude because he was apparently rather adept a killing folks and getting away with it. So much so in fact, he even qualifies as one of them thar cereal killers. I don't know if he passed a test, has some kind of membership card with "frequency" points or what, but the local rag has labled him as such so I'm going to make an ass out of ewe and me by figgerin' they knowed the legality on the use of such a term.

In either event, The Frosted Flaker has recently admitted to killing someone in our fair city during the Disco Era. There was no cause for pause originally because (a) 1979 happened; (b) a person was murdered hear that year and (c) the murderer got away. CASE SOLVED! There now is pausing for the causing because Honey Blood & Guts (as opposed to Honey Bunches of Oats or whatever it is) owned up to a killin' in the first year of I Love the 80's that has turned out to be more fake than Pamela Anderson's last (a) set of boobs or (b) marriage (That's something new I decided to try. A little interactive reader humor. You choose the punchline that you find funniest. It's a little way that I can give back to you. Tear.).

Now, I'm not tryin to pee in anyone's Wheaties. I don't know if The Sugar Smacks Slasher really killed that poor Paducah woman or not. The officer involved is, in my humble Smore's cereal prefering opinion, a good cop. I just find it interesting when any law dawgs jump up to defend the credibility of a cereal killer immediately upon it being called into question. Clearly, you have to believe the one guy that GAVE you ALL the EVIDENCE that you have. I mean, if the guy that GAVE you all the EVIDENCE is LYING, then what kind of evidence do you have? It's almost as if they're saying, "How can you not believe this guy, he's a serial killer?"

None of this will amount to a hill of Cheerios because the Special K Killer will jump at the chance to plead guilty and get some more publicity out of all this. I just hope he really did it and he didn't have some other way to come up with enough details to fake his frosted confession. Like say, I don't know, by watching an espisode of Maury Povich or something. Because the family of the poor woman who was killed deserves to know who killed her. I hope this asshole did it for their sake and, if that is the case, that he gets an extra turn on the hell rotissierrie spit for it.

I'm just sayin.......

Do you appeal your dismissal of your suit suing yourself?

2008-01-15T18:18:00.000-08:00

So a cat runs on the platform of firing a guy he says is not necessary. Before the cat can take office, the local commissioners-that-be say hey, we want to continue the long standing tradition of giving good ole boys money for nuthin and they vote the soon-to-be-fired guy a severance package. All this goes down under the watch of county's attorney who voices no concerns over this or the quality of coffee at the meetings. When cat takes office, he's got a whole mess of political mojo going his way and he raises the stink about the guy he didn't get to fire getting a severance package despite the fact that his package was severed years earlier when the county bid him adios. County Attorney decides to shine the jubliees of cat and sues his client (the county) for giving the guy a severance package that he sat by and let go down without even the slightest "my neck hurts" wimper. Guy hires attorneys to fend off lawsuit. Attorneys and County Attorney suing himself reach a settlement whereby guy will do some work for the county to repay all the ducketts he got for no reason. County Commissioners vote to a draw on whether to accept settlement. County Attorney then says he doesn't have time to fewl with trying to recover a paltry $38K and, since the Commissioners won't accept the settlement, he'll just dismiss the lawsuit.

What in the hell? It's worth enough to you to sue your one and only client but, when they don't take your advice and settle when you tell them to, it's worthless and should be dismissed? You think you've got enough legal standing to sue your own client and a former employee for doing something and accepting money under your apparrently glassy and blood shot eyes but you it ain't worth anymore of your time when you just can't settle the suit without having to do any work?

I love this freaking town. Where else can a guy get indignant about a bunch of people he sued for doing something he advised them to do not accepting a settlement he negotiated? If he were playing on both sides of the fence any more he'd have road rash on his balls from the constant jumping from side to side. I can't imagine why a bunch of fewls you sued for doing something you advised them to do would be weary about taking your advice regarding the same lawsuit?

You truly can't make this stuff up.

I'm just sayin....

Local legal eagle turns a blind eye towards the law!

2007-12-22T16:51:00.000-08:00

A local esteemed legal eagle was recently quoted in the Paxton Daily as saying, essentially, that a recent reduction of a drunk driver's wanton murder sentence from 20 years to 8 by an outgoing gubner was wrong and it was an example of getting as much justice as you could afford - due to the fact that the defendant's attorney was a retired appeallate court judge and his daddy is a state law maker who got influential KY'ians to write letters on his behalf. So, why should you bristle like an SOS pad with psuedofiliculitis at such a statement? Well, I'll tell ye. That same legal eagle wrote a freaking letter on behalf of the defendant that the gubner cited as a reason why he reduced the sentence!

Whereas Paducah had been setting the record for most number of lawsuits filed in which an attorney sued himself for the 2007 calendear year - please see the county attorney suing the county he represents for doing something his office advised it to do and a shareholder of the local law school and tire center suing the law school and tire center for things he would be liable for as an owner - it has now taken the cake for most looney comment on a legal proceeding made while not under the influence of narcotics. This is a little known award that the American Bar Association keeps hush-hush and only gives out at the X-Mas drunkfest.

So, let's see, you write a letter asking for a reduction in a wanton murderer's sentence and then complain that the system under which you did it in is fucked and should be changed? If you feel strongly enough to vouch for a wanton murderer, why do you care how it has to be done? The interesting part - aside from the above-mentioned absurdity - is that this local legal eagle said he felt "pressured" to write the letter. Pressured? How do you pressure someone into writing a letter? You pressure people into blind dates, shots of Jagermeister and keeping that stray you don't want. You pressure people into buying shit for your kid's school (I know I'm always on the look out for as many magazine subscriptions, spirit cards and forms of chocolate that I can get my hands on!), taking that extra Barry Manilow ticket and taking credit for an errant fart that could cost you some ass. You can't pressure someone to "write" a letter on behalf of a wanton murderer. I mean, what, did the dad say, "If you don't write this letter, I'm going to tell people you wouldn't help out my son who got drunk and killed a woman and lied about it!" Pick up your fucking toys, wipe a booger on his shirt and run home.

It gets funnier. Same legal eagle was questioned on an apparently clear KY ethics opinion that says a judge can't use his position to comment or take a position on a pardon or petition for clemency unless the gubner requests it. Legal eagle says that he's only a senior status judge and doesn't have to comply with all the ethical standards a full time judge does. A senior status judge is a retired judge who still works for the state in different counties and capacities to help out when other judges are sick or have conflicts of interests. In exchange for this, the judge gets to up his retirement and make more ducketts.

Is there something called a senior status moment in KY legal ethics law? We let geezer judges be less ethical than normal judges because of their geezer status? Do geezer judges where bracelets on their wrists that remind them when to take their medications and what laws they still have to abide by?

Basically, the carpet burns the bag at this juncture: Legal Eagle helped out a cat he nude by writing a letter on behalf of his son asking the gubner to reduce the guy's sentence because he truly believed it was excessive. Gubner then actually reduced the sentence, all hell broke loose and Legal Eagle felt the need to defend his actions. When questioned on its legality, he chose to ignore that angle completely and attempt to create a new area of KY ethics law. If this stuff was any crazier, they'd have to put lithium in the water at the courthouse and pass out straightjackets to all those summonsed for jury duty. Pad up the court room walls and strap on the depends because - just like pissing yourself during shock therapy - this is nowhere near over.

Finally, this kid's dad is a fucking prick. He sees his son's prosecution as being more about him than his son's getting drunk, acting irresponsibly and killing someone. This jerk still says his son was railroaded because he was a lawmakers son, that the police screwed up and the judge ignored facts and the law. I mean, a week or so prior to his son's sentence being reduced, I told someone that I thought his dad would probably introduce legislation that allowed any full time student at his son's former college to get drunk and kill one egyptian graduate student during their 4 year career. The amazing thing is, the kid sent one letter to the gubner in which he ran with the "I was screwed" theory where he blamed everyone other than himself. Then, after his attorney realized how stupid the letter was, he wrote another one taking responsibility for the crime. Why in the hell the first letter didn't seal his fate I have no idea. As to the issue of being framed, why would the Murray police decide to frame the son of a state representative from some other part of the state that no one had even heard of? I mean, if a fewl around hear was going to be framed, they would be framed for injecting barbecue with steroids or HGH, spray painting the skatepark or smoking in public building, or something else more serious.

....I'm just sayin....

Let's work our ass off so it ain't no fun no more!

2007-12-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

What is the gig with wimins and how they can take a run-o-the-mill swillfest and turn it into an excuse to clean and decorate the whole abode thereby infusing what should be a relaxing affair with enough stress to cause a fewl to think about snorting a valium? Anybody smellin' what I'm steppin' in? Allow me to fumigate my wisdom.

I was born about 32 years ago next week. In honor of that action, my wife and I decided to have some homies from around the way - as LL use to say back in the day - at the homestead for a little heavy whores do vers and cocktails. Simple enough premise eh? Butt, much like Socrates discussing bellybutton lint with Plato, it got all out of hand.

This seemingly simple theory of people coming over turned into cleaning the house, decorating the hoose and yard with X-Mas paraphernalia, buying candles and rearranging the previously displayed signs of X-Mas cheer into a more "crowd friendly" configuration. As I'm typing this I'm being subjected to some X-Mas music that sounds like an Ethel Murman wannabe with too much testiculation - if you know what I'm sayin' - belted it out. Apparently, there were several Noels but the first one was the one you wanted to hook up with. Or at least that's what I get from this old school jam.

Back to the matter at hand. Why must you take a simple thing and complicate it so much? My friends don't give a damn how high the wreath on the front window is! I've yet to have a friend come over and complain there wasn't enough X-Mas flair around the house. I've never heard a soul utter that they've ever seen a more substantial nut cracker collection.

Look, I'm all about the X-Mas factor because of my son. Childrens are the point of all this gear. Ain't none of us A-dults still thinkin' Jolly Ole St. Nick is greasin up and slidin' down the the chimney. That being said, don't force the Holiday Spirit down the throat of friends who just want to come over to drink enough to forget how they got there. That's all we're axin'. Don't turn McDonald's into Puck's. Don't make a 6 Dollar Burger an actual 6 dollar burger.

For the record, my mom does the same thing. She'll make you werk so freakin' hard to get things "ready" for a party that, by the time the party gets there, you're ready to go to bed. If you ever mention this fact to her, she acts like you're crazy. That is if she can stop werkin' long enough to hear you bitch.

Werd to Big Burd.

P.S. I love my wife. Could you tell she was approaching when I wrote those last lines? There's kind of a "I'd like to say more but I can't" vibe to that hole paragraph huh? Image.

I'm just sayin.......

BetaHCG? Yeah you know me!

2007-11-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

Rumor has it that me wife has done been swelled up for a second, non-consecutive time. That was the only way I could work a little President Cleveland humor into this discussion so excuse me. Depending on where you grewed up, that might be "swelt up", I'm not sure. In laidman's terms, I'm sayin there is proof, via a digital whiz dip stick, that a second yungin' is gonna appear in our happy home about 9 months from now.

The Twilight Zone or mojo moment of this whole gig is that this children was conceived in San Antonio TX. I was conceived in San Antonio TX. Purty tasty. I'll have to grow out one of those porno-stunt-double-mustaches, lose some weight, put on some navy short shorts with white trim and take some beach pictures with this kid to reenact some family photos of me that you can obviously tell have been dicussed with a mental health professional on a previous occassion.

Our first incredibly cute, yet extremely bossy and needy son is 28 months old. He's just gettin' a good grip on the talky-talky - as Billy Madison once referred to it - and now he's already going to have to brace for rudest of awakenings. You see, little man (LM) sleeps inbetwixt me and su madre. That is all on the same bed that the 90lb German Shephard hogs the foot of while snorin' louder than last year's Biggest Loser winner's pre-show submission tape. I mentioned to my wife that we should start to get LM usetuh sleeping in his own rack for the impending arrival of his sibling and she almost started to cry. Well, in all actuality, she did cry, but it doesn't count on the pregnant woman boo-hoo index because it was very minimal and stopped almost as soon as it started. I suggested we just get rid of all of her bedroom furniture and just cover the room in mattresses. That way, we'd have enough room for me, she, LM, the new yute, the dawg and anyone else who needs as Walton-like/Cider House Rules atmosphere to get sleep in. We could also rent it out as a toney private looney bin. It is either that, or get an attorney friend of mine to draw up the papers and serve LM with an eviction notice.

I just hope the flavor of this yute is female. Not that my wife, mother-in-law and mother don't lose their gourd over LM and think he is the greatest show on earth, but I know they all wished he appeared to be more burger than turtle on that faithful ultrasound. That was the only freaking appointment to girly doctor that I missed. I get this call from my wife and she can't even speak. She's crying and trying to talk in between sobbing, inhaling and simultaneously snorting her own tears. I thought our child was missing a leg or had three heads or something. It just turned out that my wife had seen the shadow of a turtle like object in the ultrasound which is indickative of boy. I just made up a werd! A shadow that looks like a hamburger means you better put down Thomas the Train and pick up those Dora The Explorer shoes and matching backpack.

My theory has always been even if it turns out to be an alien, as long as it is a healthy alien - and it doesn't eat me - I couldn't care less. Therefore, I'm going to exert all my inner hoo doo to hoping this one is a girl for the sake of my wife's sanity. She's had the name of her daughter picked out since she was like 11. I don't know if that means she was seriously in love with a relative or knew more about "things" than I did at that age, but she knows what she wants and I hope she gets it.

I've always wanted at least the double tango of childrens because I was an only yute without any in-town cousins or friends that lived close to me. My dad, having grown up in an Irish Catholic Family, had more religously named brothers and one similarly situated sister than my swillhead grandfather could remember. Tom Moore was the only name he could consistently remember and that was the name of his favorite bourbon/best friend. We always joked that his best year's were wasted talking to Tom Moore. Anyway I've always loved to hear stories about all them growing up, dirt poor, usually drunk or fresh off stealing something and how my grandmother tough loved them all the best she could. They weren't so much a family as they were a gang. If engaging in organized crime had been on the books then, they would have all been indicted.

My mother had two sisters. One's evil and the other is great. The other non-evil one was born 5 years apart on the same day as my mother. This always skewed my understanding of twins growing up. I always thought twins were 5 years apart and that never made much since considering all the ones I knew looked just a like and were in the same grade. That, in turn, screwed with my limited understanding of math because I couldn't figure how two people born 5 years apart were actually the same age. I thought there was some kind of day light savings type action applied to their ages. Its all a cyclical circle. Just enjoy the ride. Dramamine is available if necessary.

Hey, by the way, you ever noticed that identical twins usually look exactly a like but for some minor weird thing? Like you can tell Stephanie from Tiffanie because Tiffanie's nose is a little bigger than Stephanie's. Jill looks just like Jane but for that cowlick that she can't ever control. Bill and Bob couldn't be told apart without DNA except for Bob's undescended testicle and known uniball status. You smell what I'm steppin' in?

In other murds, I just hope it all works out. I.E. the yute makes it hear safe and sound. My wife doesn't lose her gourd or have any health issues and we're able to keep things somewhat in order and get through all those late and early evenings with some level of sanity.

I'm just sayin.....

Super Happy Fun Time Giving Thanks Hour!

2007-11-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

Well, I hope everyone had a super happy fun time Giving Thanks hour! today. Mine was funky fresh. It was dressed. Pressed. Ready to party. I don't even remember what old school 80's rap song I stole that from, but I still dig workin' it into my reptile whenever I get the opportunity.

Waffle House doesn't close to Give Thanks. No matter what time of day it is - either before the last float has blown off t.v. or just after you've come out of a triptiphan induced coma - you can go to The House and hear that British-teethed maiden scream your order out at the cook. I've always felt some kind of weird embarassment when my order is shouted out loud in front of all the other wafflees but, like takin' a leak in bar bathrooms, you get over it. I mean, I'm not sayin' there is some kind of waffle-wafflee privilege, or you should be sworn to syrup secrecy, but there should be a better way. My point is, you can scatter, smother, cover Giving Thanks if you wanna.

K-Mart actually has more than 3 people working. You can honestly go in, buy something and get out within an hour. It truly is something to be thankful for.

Wheel of Fortune is lame. I watched an episode with my family today while waiting to gobble ourselves silly and I decided that Pat Sayjack has the sense of humor of a Dostoevsky (spelling optional) novel. Vanna doesn't even have to turn the letters anymore. Their apparently iletters because all she has to do is touch them and show the letter. I guess she almost lost a finger or something when she had to actually turn them and the show - fearing that no one else could replace her - got Apple to come up with some touch screen technology to save the day. There was a chic on the show today named Archana (Arch-na). As in, if you're scared of spiders, you suffer from archanaphobia. As in, have you ever been up in the St. Louis Archana?

WPSD has a segment where they interview local doctors and ask them "what's goin' around?". The doctors basically say what types of illnesses they are seeing in their patients. I found this funny. I asked a lady doctor I know. I said, "What's goin' around?" She said, "a whole bunch of uninsured gall bladders." I thought it'd be funny to have that segment for other professions. Hey, Kountry Kastle waitress, what's goin' around the Kastle? "Cold Busch Lite, lyin' and divorce." Hey, criminal defense lawyer, what's goin' around the courthouse? "I'm seein' a lot of burglaries with an intermittent robbery. It looks like controlled substance possession is going to rise in the next couple of days and there's a chance that, with all the holiday travelers, they're be in increase in speeding tickets and expired registrations." Hey, postal worker, what's goin' around the post office? "A lot of bitchin' about the price of stamps and requests for Elvis stamps that we sold out of eight years ago." Hey mall worker, what's going around the mall on Black Friday? "A lot of idiots and pushing and shoving and one or two births in the check out lines."

I saw people lining up this afternoon with tents and shit to camp outside of Best Buy. I thought freaking Phish was playing there or something by the look of the crowd. I almost cruised through the parking lot to see if I could get my dog a hemp collar, get some homemade root beer and "herbal" cookies. They should call it Black Fridaystock. Best Buyaroo would be kewl.

Awlright. That's all I've got at this juncture. I hope everybody had a great Happy Super Fun Time Excellent Giving Thanks Hour!

I'm just sayin......

Stealin' never smelled so good!

2007-11-20T18:48:00.001-08:00

This is an actual quote from the 11/20/07 edition of the Paducah Sun. The article from which this nugget of the true came from was about a recent case of insurance fraud in the general tri-global (Illinois-Tennessee-Kentucky) area. I swear this is the actual quote:

"Turnbow said several people admitted failing fraudulent theft claims after the dog he handles sniffed and determined nothing was stolen." back pg. of the 11/20/07 Paducah Sun.

Turnbow is McCracken County Chief Deputy Sheriff Mike Turnbow. The dog is, well, just amazing.

I can get past the typo because I flail to see how that is important. However, the substance of the quote should have led to this headline:

"CHIEF DEPUTY SAYS DOG CAN SMELL BULLSHIT" or "THE PHERMONES OF FRAUD" or "FRAUD SMELLS LIKE A DOG'S ASS" or "HUMP MY LEG AND SHOW ME A RECIEPT OR YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL!"

Does it scare anyone else that there is allegedly a dog in this county that can smell theft? I mean, if this dog can smell theft, why hasn't it been sitting outside the Four River's Extortion Center howling at the moon? Why has its owner not been cited on numerous occasions for its repeated biting of the City Manager or The Mayor?

If the dog can smell insurance fraud, can it smell a good deal when it sniffs it? For instance, if you take it Wally World and let it sniff that rotissierie/pannini grill combo with the added fat draining ditch tube, will it pee on Tickle Me Elmo telling you that it is over-priced? If it smells a purchase and licks it balls, does that mean you got a good deal? If it sniffs your purchase and runs circles around the couch does that mean you should return it before the store closes? The possibilities are endless. Take that hound on the Price is Right and you and Drew Carey will become best friends. That little yoddling dude that always falls off the mountain would be able to cancel his health insurance if the Bluelight Special Hound was a regular contestant.

I mean fucking Lassie didn't even portend to be a canine version of Consumer Reports. This is absolutely the nuttiest shit I have ever heard of. A dog that can "smell" crime.

If you stole a purse and rolled it in catnip, would the dog think you stole satchel of kat refer and report you to the police? I have no idea what that mint.

Eitherwho, I'm sure I won't be able to stay away after the paper - I mean City Commission - rules on what to do to our Chief O' Poleese.

I'm just sayin........

Is that a gun in my window or are you just the Chief of Police?

2007-11-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

The weirdest thang about Paducah's latest trip to Scandalville is the fact that it all centers on the Chief of Police (COP) using his gun to try and break in a window. Who in the hell uses a loaded gun to try to break in a window? Either shoot or get off the pot.

Kung Fu Junction (KFJ) - the newly-elected press-hungry City Commission that fancies himself a sensay in his spare time - came straight out the box claiming COP should be fired for the gun incident and "sabotaging" a potential "To Humiliate a Pedophile" episode that was offered to be filmed in Paducah. How COP is alleged to have sabotaged the humiliating of the would-be pedophiles I haven't a clue. Apparently, not agreeing to something equals sabotage (I'm pronouncing the word "sabo - tahj). KFJ also called him out for the low morale of the officers and not holding himself to the same high Meatgate standards that he holds his other officers. All this I can see. The sabotaging I see less than if I were on a blind date with Helen Keller.

The local rag weighed in with an editorial saying improperly using your gun ain't no thang to worry about, as long as no rich Republicans are harmed, and COP was write for turning away the pedophile catchers because they're more into entertainment and ratings than actual law enforcment. As much as I hate myself for saying it, I disagree as to the former and agree with the latter. I find it screwed up that some adult computer nerds with funky nicknames and a penchant for claiming to be sex talking juveniles can lure people into a home, deliberately coax them into humiliating situations and then tape it all for broadcast. If you've ever watched one of those Pin the Arrest on the Pedophile episodes you'll see that, not only are no real kids ever in any danger, but these people coax these dumbasses into walking into the house nude or carrying embarrasingly wuss brands of liquor. Pedophiles should be in jail, no doubt butt this show is ridiculous. It's more about the host surprising the poor soon-to-have-life-ruined-felon and asking some dumb questions.

The City Manager (CM) - who incidentily runs the city but is not the Mayor, who's job description is to run the city - held onto the info about COP's McGyver like use of his Glock for more than a month before takin' the bag off the cat. KFJ said he was coverin' it up. CM jumped in and said, "Nah. I was just waitin' fer the right time to spring it on ye, and, oh, by the way, he didn't do anything wrong. No reprimand is necessary. I'm out!" That was a paraphrase by the way.

Ain't Paducah great? This is one of the few times a scandal has broken and resolved itself within' like three days. CM covered the whole thing up longer than it took him to decide COP's fate once it became public. You ever noticed that the way COP looks in his unyform makes him look like an extra from Police Academy 5? Everytime I see him on t.v. I keep waiting for Jonesy to come in, make some incredibly real sounding noises and then beat-box until the story about whether or not dogs and cats get into heaven comes on.

Speaking of that, dogs and cats going to heaven? I mean, have we got our freaking post-life dance cards filled up to the point where we've got to start worrying about whether or not Fido has been saved? Should you tell your neighbor's dog its going to hell next time it humps your leg? Are we going to start seeing crazily-dressed, big-haired televangelists preaching the virtues of licking yourself only for cleanliness versus for pleasure? Due to the number of offspring they produce, would it be fair to say that rabbits and cats are Catholic? Was it really that slow of a news day for these local idiots to come up with this?

The American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center is still open. It's not to late to register for next semester and get a free set of snow tires. You better hurry because the school and supply of tires is limited.

Barry Bonds was charged by the Feds today with being a liar. No shit. Under some circumstances, it's a crime. A little tip to help you realize when it is against the law to lie is this:
If you've been put under oath, are sitting in a little room with 12 grand people who are called jurors with an attorney asking you questions while everything is being recorded, you should tell the true. Another tip is, if your head is the size of a weather balloon, you've grown 2 inches and your foot size has increased since you began to hit a lot of homeruns in your late 30's and your testicles are the size of bb's, you should think real hard before answering questions about taking steroids. If you Hulk-out when asked about your back acne and whether or not you're unibrow is intentional, you should not answer questions about roids.

The amazing thang about this whole scenaroid is that Barroid was given immunity from prosecution for anything that he said other than lying. This fewl could have admitted to killing someone for roids and he would have had immunity. The only thing he could be rung up for was lying. He went in there and claimed all he did was use some "lotion" that his trainer gave him along with flaxseed oil. If that was what really caused Barroid to muscle up and start hitting all those home runs, every freaking major leaguer's locker would look like they were chronic masturbators with hard stool for all the empty lotion bottles and flaxseed oil containers that would be around.

I'm just sayin......

American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center may be having a close out sale!

2007-11-11T19:51:00.000-08:00

THIS IS ALL BASED ON HYPOTHETICAL INFORMATION THAT WAS ALLEGED TO ME BY PERSONS WHO ALLEGEDLY ARE NOT REAL AND/OR DO NOT EXIST. ALLEGEDLY.

So, I go out of town for a few days and Tommy O decides to get all up in the grill of the Board of Directors of the American Eagle School of Law & Tire Center. Wow. Unlike a geezer round the table at the Giving of Thanks dinner, I've been hearin' bad thangs about the AESLTC for quite some time. Let's just say that, if my sources were any more inside, they'd be Tommy O (Which they aren't allegedly by the way.) If my sources were anymore inside, they'd be the gossip equivalent of innards. If my sources were anymore inside......you get the point.

Allegedly AESLTC does some shady shit like keep students student loan money for a while after it receives it. Allegedly this would either be evidence of them paying the bills with the students dough, paying investors with the students dough or making money off interest bearing accounts with the students dough. Eitherway, you allegedly should not be holdin' on to loan dough from students for any longer than it takes the check to clear or the transfer of funds to be o.k.'d because - as I recall from my days of living loan to loan - they need those ducketts to survive.

Allegedly the AESLTC has had a history of not paying its professors. I am allegedly aware of possibly two instances where it is alleged that grades were withheld from the institution by the non-paid prof until some consideration for there alreadly performed obligation came there way.

Allegedly a professor at the AESLTC has an alleged spouse with alleged legal problems. As in she is allegedly going to jail for a period of time that you nor I would want to do, allegedly. Well, in all the wondermint that is this alleged professor, he and his wife allegedly can't afford an attorney to defend her and she be sucklin' from the state's public defender teet. What would you think was worse, a professor who has a wife that is breaking the law while he attempts to teach it or having a professor at your private law school who couldn't afford to hire a private attorney to represent his wife?

You attempt to bring an alleged law school into a town and you begin by placing it out in the middle of no where. You place it in a park built in the information age that is so hip to the information of the age that it doesn't even get cellphone reception. It should be called the Analog Age Park. Or the Dial Up Information Only Park. You could tie two soup cans together with a string and getter better reception than you currently do while basking in the age of information in that park.

Second, after you realize you don't have enough space for a library because you had to wire the whole building with yarn and put can holders up everywhere, you attempt to solve your dilemma by buying Wagner Candy Company's old building that is several miles away. WTF? I don't think it says a lot for an institution of higher learning that didn't forsee it would need adequate space for a library before choosing its location - especially considering that law schools libraries have to meat certain standards and it is going to be reviewed by anyone inspecting the joint for potential accrediation. Can you imagine, "Now ABA types, that concludes your tour of the law school. If you all follow me, will go to gas station and fill up our cars because we've got a long drive ahead of us to get to the library and we won't be able to talk on our cell phones. When you see the building that makes you want a Tootsie Roll, pull in. That's the library."

San Antonio is purty kewl. That's where I just returned from. Those fewls down there are all about swillin' it out. You can imbibe your Stetson off while walking down the famed River Walk. There's a joint floggin' swill ever few river steps. The San Antonio River is also only about 4 foot deep so there's no fear of drowning no matter how drunk you are when you fall in.

The Alamo is sort of neat. It's like a brick wall with a big ass adobe building behind it. A lot of KY'ians and TN'ians fought and/or croaked at the Alamo. Saw a replica of KY'ian Jim Bowie's knife. That freaking thing made Crocodile Dundee's knife look like it needed a Cialis. It was closer to a sword on a knife handle than an actual knife. He could have deflected bullets with that thing. It was amazing. I wanted to see a full body picture of him because I couldn't fathom where or how he carried that blade on Levitra but I had no luck. I bet whichever arm he used to wield that thing was like 3 times the size of his other arm. And no, I didn't Ozzy Osborne out - I used the facilities designated for urination while at the Alamo.

Saw a Heat-Spurs game. Shaq is bigger that I wooda thunk. You get that "little Japanese citizen looking at Godzillra" vibe when you see him in person. Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker are very impressive in person. Faster than Cheetah's on amphetamines and they can make more plays than Neil Simon. What a weird sentence.

Started listening to Eric Clapton's autobiography. Guy is about as honest as a kick to the gonards. Admits all of his screws up. Very endearing. Had an aunt with Tourette's Syndrome. She put the words "fuck" and "Eddie" in all her sentences. The example given was, "Is your mum around, fuck Eddie?" He thought she was great. Things I nude about him prior to starting the book: His grandparents raised him and he was told his mother was his sister. He started and left a band about every two weeks. He and Jimi Hendrix were friends. He had the hots for George Harrison's wife, wrote songs about her and he and George remained friends even after Clapton began an affair with her and eventually married Clapton. They called each other "husband-in-laws". Things I now knowed about him: His mum came back with a half bro and half sister of his, stayed for like 6 months and bolted. His grandmaw Rose thought he was great and loved him. He broke up every freaking band he ever started. He knew The Stones before they became famous. Jimi Hendrix and Clapton use to go into bars in NYC and just get up on stage and play. Cream let Hendrix up on stage with them the first night they met him without ever seeing him play and were floored by him. Clapton was waiting to give Hendrix a white left-handed guitar (Hendrix played a right handed guitar upside down) but didn't get the chance because he didn't show at another group's concert and died that night. There's a lot more but I'm going to sleep.

I'm just sayin.....

Elecktshun reesults and other theories

2007-11-06T19:47:00.000-08:00

PLEAE READ NO FURTHER UNLESS YOU'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED ATTORNEY GENERAL ELECT JACK CONWAY IN THE FLESH OR YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF HIM HUNG UP IN A SPECIAL PLACE.

JACK CONWAY IS ATTORNEY GENERAL. Touch yourself Kentucky. We've got the hottest attorney general in the union. And we thought making all that bourbon and racin' them horses made us famous. Nah, we gottest the hottest, square jawed, closet-thing-we'll-have-to-a-Kennedy-attorney general we can get. Sure, he don't got no sperience prosecutin' people for crimes and all, butt who gives a damn? He's democrat, hot and what else dew you kneed in '07?

I have no clue about Jack Conway. I don't know him, nor have I ever met him. A friend of mine's sister called me axin' that I support him months ago, but that is about all I knowed about him that I have not written above. I do know that a local attorney that seems to enjoy suing himself thinks that Mr. Conway is the greatest thing since a vested pension. I'm not saying that in an effort to cast asparagus in anyone's direction. I'm merely saying it because it is the true. I seriously doubt he gets any mojo or hand-me-downs from Frankfort for his unabashed support. And in terms of experience, it ain't like a general attorney is going to court or anything. He'll get some fewl that actually knows something about the gig to be his right hand man and I'm sure everything will run smoothly.

Stever Beshear is governor. I volunteered for his ill-fated campaign against homo-sexual turtle look-a-like Mitch McConnel in '06. Working on that campaign was like being a security guard on the Titanic. Everyone knew it was going down, you just had to hang around to make sure as many peeps as possible got to the exits. From what I hear from my honkeys in the know, Steve is right on with a good attitude. All accounts are - from those that actually know him, worked for him and went to school with him - he's tastier than a chocolate covered boobie on the Biggest Loser. Right on. Werd.

Apparently, the majority of people in KY don't give a damn about casinos. Or, the marjority of poeple are tired of a governor who gives off recurring-character-that-was-friends-with-Eddie-Haskel-on-Leave-it-to-Beaver-vibes. I don't know. I found it interesting that Fletcher gambled on people in KY not wanting to allow gambling when it is more than obvious that your average KY'ian would bet you dollars to doughnuts that a constitutional amendment allowing gambling would pass. I mean, was Fletcher so out of touch that he didn't see all of the signs for Caesar's in Indiana while in Louisville or Harrah's in Metropolis while in Paducah? How could you miss that?

Richie Farmer gettin' re-elected was as difficult to predict as the sun coming up. I don't know nuthin about what he's done as Commissioner of Agriculture, but, I'm glad to see that someone has learned to parlay the "everyone loves me" sentiment they experienced while a basketball player at UK into something more than a free car or an avoidance of criminal behavior and promiscuity. From what some geezer said on KET, he actually knows what he's doing. That's good, bein that he won re-election and all and everything.

Some guy named King breasted some guy named Teeters for Bardwell mayor. Did you follow that? Has an intentionally misplaced "r" ever been more funny?

I'm about to actually go on vacation for three days. Nutty. Not having a beeper or constantly being queried about questions you've already answered is a weird feeling. Like misidentifying a Chinese guy in a lineup, don't get me Wong, I love my job. It's just that it is stressful like any other one in it's own peculiar way.

I will report from the road if time dictates. Otherwise, I will get back at ye when I return.

I'm just say'n..........

I ain't sleepin' but I've got visions of scandals running all through my gourd

2007-10-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

At what juncture in your vida loco - or loca as the case may be - does it become unnecessary to nap in the afternoon? I am contemplatin' such theories as my son sleeps off a case of "bastards". In other words, Crazy Head had awoke early this morning, played liked the son of a rock star with a drunk aupair and skipped right on past Sleepyville into early afternoon without rechargin' his battrees (pronounce as spelled). This caused him to bastard out at his best mates house by refusing to share toys and obsessing over the non-functionality of side doors on a little tyke bus like he was freakin' Rain Man counting cards at the Mirage ("20 minutes to Bob the Builder. 20 Minutes to Bob the Builder."). Incidentally, they should make a special brand of toys for kids with control issues. They could be called Little Control Freaks.

I mean I quit partaking in the afternoon siesta after I matriculated. Once you've got a job, it seems as though you can't nap in the middle of the day because, even though you ain't shuckin' steel like a slave at that moment, you've got a whole bunch of other shit you gots to tend to because you can't normally tend to it because you're normally shuckin' steel like a Jamaican slave (Blogger's note: "Shuckin' steel like a slave" is a line I hornswaggled from the legendary, formally jerri-curled Blues Great Buddy Guy. So, tell the NAACP to back off. I'm fresh off attending the American Eagle School of Law & Tire Center's Black Law Student Association shindig as well. Much like Half Dollar, I don't dance I take two steps and twist.)

I'm tired enough to sleep write now, but I couldn't saw some sheep for nothin'. Maybe that should have been saw some z's? Or, is it catch some sheep? Eitherway, I'm tired as hell and I'm not going to splain it anymore. The reponsibilities of life do not allow me to nap in the middle of the day is what I'm sayin. That and my lunatic neighbor mowing his goddman yard in October.

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING COMMENT MAY BE OFFENSIVE. DEAL WITH IT.

So, if October is breast cancer awareness month, shouldn't there be a healthy breast awareness month? If we're going to call out all the sick boobs, we should also celebrate all the healthy ones. Instead of those sissyfied pink rubber bands or those ribbons that look like you had a midget fstylist who tuckered out before she finished the job, women that wanted to show their support for all the sick boobs could wear like shirts with the boob area cut out to show what healthy boobs look like. You know, sort of like those pictures at the dentist's office that show the really good peoples teeth versus your sugar-eatin-plaque-covered-have-to-use-a-pressure-washer-to-clean-them teeth.

KNOWN OFFENSIVE THEORY IS OVER. ANYTHING ELSE BEYOND THIS POINT THAT IS OFFENSIVE IS JUST YOU LOOKING FOR A REASON TO GET CHAPPED.

O.K., the local puddle jumper depot gets funding from our local County Physical Court. The aeropuerto finds out a while back that the Feds are theorizin' on payin the entire cost for the lookout tower. The Physical Court turns over a wad of De Niro. A lot of De Niro. Like Ragin' Bull De Niro. Not Sorry Ass Mob Boss with a Psychiatrist De Niro. Then, after getting the De Niro, the aeropuerto says, oh yeah, by the way, the federales paid for the look out tower and we're still going to keep them ducketts you flogged us. Is this the way you figgered it? I swear, it is almost like people in positions of authority - see the wheelbarrowed donkey - in Paducah go out of their way to scandalize shit or make it appear as though something shady is taking place.

Please allow me to fumigate my wisdom. A county attorney sues his county for following his advice and giving cash to a soon-to-be-former employee. A cat runs for a county job on the platfrom of cutting waste by getting rid of the "right hand man" position only to cut it and reinstate it with a different right hand man. A City Commission gives incentives to any new company that will parlay its way downtown but don't won't to share the love with any local business that's already floggin' its wares downtown. City Commission passes a temporary payroll tax to "increase" business, then make its temporary forever because taking more dough out of the checks of people who work in the city will "increase" buitness. A City Commission threatens to by a hotel that looks like an old burned out set for 70's porno movies because they don't like the cat that is ponying up millions to purchase it and they want to tell him what to do with property and how to run it. The Mayor wont let a big wig developer who's been in town forever codroast some trees at his newest development because some residents of Snoot Ave don't want codroastin in close proximity to their snootiness. The City has somehow determined that you can enclose an art festival and let people swill it out within said confines during those festivities, but you can only consume gurgle burgers in a beerpen/beer jail area the size of Clark Griswold's Metallic Pea Family Truckster when celebratin' swine fest on the river. You can swill it out in a bar on the Sabbath but you sure as hell can't by no liquid love in a store and take it home and consume it. A police chief goes public with his reprimand of his officers for accepting free meat at overturned semi accident site in Meatgate '06. A cat running for judge tell us all he's doing us a favor by taking the mere pittance of $100K that he'll make after he quits being a cash laden defense attorney and graces us with his appearance on the bench. The Artist Witness Protection Plan is implemented where all these would-be Picassos move to Paducah, get a free loan, fix up an old house, then put it back on the market, selling it for a huge profit before Vangoughing somewheres else less fartsy and more artsy. And this is just all the craziness that has transpired recently. I didn't get into "O.T." and the nose whiskey flow that was covered by the Paducah Sun in the 80's.

I freakin' love Paducah. It's like a mix of Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Mayberry and Smallville. It's got it old school history and charm, with a very nice group of people with a whole of lot of unbelievability.

Well, with that said, I'm getting ready to go on a whirlwind party tour. A yute birffday shinding, a law enforcement Halloween Party and drunken-postal Halloween party. I guess the question is, of these three soires, which will have the most guns, screaming and crying and non-sharing?

I'm just sayin.....

Dew I knowed ewe?

2007-10-23T17:44:00.000-07:00

It is a galatically weird experience to run into a good friend of your's at lunch, during the week, when you are at lunch with another work-related good friend and your good friend is out eating with their work-realted good friends. It ain't as if you've done the nasty and are trying to avoid that awkward post-pork eye contact at werk. It's more like a "I can't believe you're with him/her" type sentiment. Not that either of ewe contemplated caloric intake at the same eatery, or even owe one another the gratitude of clearing such plans. You don't even have a clue or any issues with who your friend be gettin' their eat on with. It's just that, when you're good friends with someone, you almost feel as though you're a spurned high school friend when you see them out with other people and can't talk to them because (a) you're in public and (b) both of you have other peeps you need to tend to.

It's all guilt related. You think the other person is kewl and dig hanging out with them. They seem to be of the same opinion. You're with a good friend who also ingresses and egresses in the same vernacular as yourself, i.e. has the same job. You're friend is parlayin' the same way and running things with their main werk honkeys. Then, like a booger you forgot was on yo finger, you're both there, out in the open, in front of everyone. Your friend knows that he/she is your friend. Their friend(s) know that you're their friend's friend. Suddenly, not only do you feel as though you should apologize and order flowers, their friends are feeling weird about not telling your friend(s) that yall were going out to eat lunch. It's a viscious cycle that makes less since than a banker with gout. Even I have no idear what that means.

Hear be the solution. Get over it. Conversate as much as yall decide. Don't worry about it. Sure, you may be better friends out of the professional scenarioid, but yall didn't ride there together and your friends don't want to hear your friend bitch about their job any more than your friend's friends want to hear you bitch about your job. If there is any bitchin' at lunch, it needs to be in a lingo that all those listening can comprehend, i.e. if you've got to have a decoder ring to figger out what your rants mean, you need to move to a different table.

Lunch is too freakin' short to add drama into the mix. You've got an hour, hour and a half at most. You shouldn't waste any of the potentially only free time you've got all day over any bullshit. Whether you're eating or not, you should try to get the most stress free time out of your lunch hour. Start by saying "werd" and "I'll call you later" to any homies from different werk sectors that you encounter and go on with it.

I think Rodney King said it best when he utterred, "Can't we all just eat alone?"

I'm just sayin......

Weight until your turn

2007-10-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

You know how you know you have a problew with chow? And by "chow" I mean grub, not your Asian neighbor or that furry angry mutt from down the street. You've got a problem with eatin' when you celebrate unexpected diet success with eating all the chow the you've forgone to become dietarily successfull. Like a group of homies with waists of 40+ at No. 1 Super Terrific Happy Chinese Buffet, you follow me?

Oh yeah. I pulled off the unthinkable this weekend. I successfully avoided the "special event gorge out" that has plagued my weightloss for about the past year. I hardly ate anything on Friday and then, despite tasty whore's do vers made by the Artisan Kitchen Formerly Known as Mansion II Go, I laid off the funneling of tastiness into my gullett for the duration of my wife's 40th Date O' Birff Spectacular Extravaganza.

Then, much to my surprise, on Sunday morning, I checked in at a waifish 206, down some 3 lbs from Friday. Holy Tequila and Sugar Free Red Bull Elmer Fudd! I cwan't beweeve it!

So, from there it goes straight into the used lap band barrell. Cooked three varities of pork and - in all actuality - didn't do too bad by eating a egg, bacon and cheese biscuit and a couple random pieces of swinely goodness for breakfast on Sunday. Patron Silver got me through the lunch hour, early afternoon and the beginning of early evening.

The Mexican-ness of the day hit hard around dinner. Homemade tacos and that white cheezy stuff for dinner. Good gawd all mighty, you'd think it wasn't safe to drink the water arount this joint the food was so el delicioso. I checked my wife for a green card after eating, or, as the kids like to say, carta verde.

Needless to say, 209ish this morning. Had a mild set back at lunch. The Boy got me a little too much. And then there was pizza for dinner. I ate far less than the usual cholesterol gastric bypass necessitating amount I normally do, but I'm still worried I'm losing the tenuous grip I had on cutting back on the chow.

Stay tuned. Love, peace and chicken grease.

I'm just sayin.......

Don't let the Torre hit ye in the arse on yer way out

2007-10-19T04:32:00.000-07:00

Joe Torre decided that the Yankees offer of $5 million clams a year - with post season success based incentives that could have made the deal worth an additional $3 million oysters - was not up to his "snuff" and walked away from managing the New York Yankees yesterday. Absolutely amazing. Even if he didn't make the post season, the $5 million scallops would have still made him the highest paid fewl in the buitness. Apparently he felt as though this offer was a slight because his base salary would have been reduced compared to the terms of his contract that just expired after getting shelacked by the freakin' Boneyard (Indians) this year. Well, all I can say is Joe, get yo shit and get out.

I want to be like diluted urine in a probationer's drug screen about this, in a purely heterosexual-Yankee fan way, I love Joe Torre. He was our version of Charleton Heston, meaning he lead us out of the desert after years of aimless wandering (See the Yankee teams from 1982 through 1995.) I mean the Yankees had went down hill so much that goddamn Dale Berra made the team. Dale was the most mangled "statement" Yogi ever thrust upon the baseball world. He had a thin black mustache that made him look like a stunt double in a low budget '70's porno. He played baseball like he was Nostradamus and was auditioning years early for a part in League of Their Own. My god he was terrible.

Anywho, when Joe was hired all of us lunatic-unrealistic-expecting-got-to-win-every-game-or-the-world-is-gonna-end Yankee fans scratched our collective heads and thought, didn't the Cardinals get rid of this guy? I don't want Whitey Herzog to manage the freakin' Yankees! Like a dude in China, boy were we Wong.

Joe Torre was nothing short of miraculous during his tenure as Yankees manager. Won 4 of 6 World Series and made it very hard for Yankee haters to hate Yankees because he was genuine, caring and loved his players. He is a good cat that brought a lot to the Yankees clubhouse. He classed it up.

However, Joe must have got sick of all of Steinbrenner's bullshit. Namely telling the press that he was going to be 86'd if he lost to the Indians (god I hope they beat the Red Sox). As much as I love that crazy old bastard for what he's done for the Yankees, he should not have opened his prune hole on that one. Maybe Joe's gotten a little weirded out by Mattingly's apparent jockeying for the job. Who knows.

In either event, Joe decided to end his run as one of the greatest managers in baseball history for the greatest team in baseball history. Good thing is, he ended it on his own terms. He walked away. I'm glad it went down like that. That being the case, the Joe Torre era is over and its time for all of us to get over it and move on.

Joe, don't let the door hit ye in the arse on your way out. We love ye. You're a knucklehead. Now, thank you for managing and leave!

I'm just sayin.............

A daughter and father-in-law bond Ford tough

2007-10-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today was a David Banner moment in the history of me father's relationship with me wife. Oh yeah, nothing says "I finally see what me boy see's in ye" like a daughter-in-law loaning her father-in-law cash to purchase a tractor. Insert Green Acres theme hear.

Not that my dad and wife haven't gotten a long during our marriage. They do get along and I genuinely believe they love each other. I ain't gonna lie and say its more "I really love you" than "I have to love you because you married my son and bored me a grandbaby" love, but there's some actual feelings in there. Their arguments are just galactic in nature, involve harsh statements that neither of them mean and are usually followed by a swift gathering up of one's things, racing to the auto and peeling out to head home.

Butt, back to the ass at hand, it was a kewl moment when my wife - without request - offered to pull the duckets out of her "hoardin' dough for a potential second yute fund" to help my father realize a dream that he's had since his friends told him he needed a tractor ten years ago. I mean, ever since he became aware that he absolutely had to have a piece of machinery that he had no idea how to use, he's wanted it. He's even waxed postalsophically about the day he gets to give Uncle Sam the ole' Smith Syanrara (insert proper spelling and gong sound hear along with picture of a fist with the middle finger extended) because he will get a check for his sick days that would, in his estimate, pay for a tractor. Well, he didn't have quit his job or flip anyone off because me lovely bride ponied up the samoleons to make his dream come true.

And let's not forget the other two major players in the saga. Bruncle Bo and Bruncle Hunk. I call them Bruncles because - like all my dad's friends - I've known them seemingly my whole career and they're like brothers to me, yet - because of the age and life experience difference - they've got an uncle vibe to them. Bruncle Bo looked over the rig last weekend and gave it his initial swill of approval. Bruncle Bo consulted with Bruncle Hunk and determined the price was fair. They both appeared with my father tonight to purchase the rig and Bruncle Hunk drove it down the highway to its new home, the Talibarn. A guy couldn't ask for two better bruncles.

The only question left to answer is, what kind of beer do you put in a tractor?

And I like to wish my wife a very happy birthday. It's a number she don't dig but I ain't keepin' score. I love her no matter what (tear, sniffle, werd).

I'm just sayin.........

I'll retract that last remark

2007-10-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Awlright, so, in my disgust, I got all "WPSD'd out" and got a central fact wrong. A-Rod did not fly out to end the Yankees season. I figgered all this out while I was tossing and turning in bed last night unable to sleep. Potata (poe-tay-tuh) a/k/a Jorge Posada, struck out. He A-Rod'ed it up in this series, i.e. he had a great regular season and then couldn't hit the broadside of a barn with a base fiddle. That either means he couldn't get a hit or play a tune while smashing an instrument into a cow's home. I don't know. I've just heard that my whole career.

Can anyone take Annie Potts seriously? She' on this episode of Law & Order: Sexual Titillation and Innuendo Unit that I happened to have left on by mistake. Every time I see her I can't but help to think of her making out with Rick Moranis in Ghostbusters. She's playing a lawyer who apparently has Jedi mind control powers because the prosecutor bought into her goofyass "sexual addiction" theory and pre-trial diverted rape charges for her client who raped Sabrina the Teenage Witch and looked like a stunt double for one of The Hives. The guy was pastier than a preschooler in art class who skipped breakfast. Weird thang is, I use to go to class in between swilling it out in college with Annie Potts' nephew. He broke out that he was her nephew one time when we were in between classes - so to speak - and I didn't believe him. I mean people will say a lot of nutty stuff when they're drinking Wild Turkey. However, he quickly pulled out some photos and an assortment of Designing Women paraphernalia that made him either her nephew or a dude that needed to burst out of the closet. I wonder what happened to that cat?

Some political slogans I thunk up:

You'd be looney to vote for Rudy!
My Mama loves Obama!
John McCain: This country needs pissed off and crotchety.
Rudy Guiliani: He'll comb over the deficit and terrorism.
If you don't vote for Hillary, you'll be sillary!
That Rich Mormon Dude: The country can't handle more than one first lady.
Fred Thompson: Been there. Voted for Reagan.
John Edwards: Smart but too purty to be taken seriously.
Vote Nixon in '08: Death is not an excuse.

Could you vote for a guy with buck teeth and a comb-over that has to involve a quart of 40 weight oil and a wind machine? I mean, he is a Yankee fan and all, but I don't think that gives him a pass for being a Nazi.

John Edwards is like the hot chic with big boobs and a Looney Tunes voice that was top of your class but got no respect because of her physciality. Oh yeah, I lusted after her in vain for three years. Anyway, he's a smart dude with some decent theories but all anybody wants to talk about is how tasty he looks and how much cashola he has. He should show up for debates and interviews with no makeup, bedhead and in his p.j.'s and I bet peoples would start takin' his exit.

McCain can't get over being a geezer and mad all the time. He can't go 10 minits without mentioning Nam. I respect the guy immensely for what he did for our country and the sacrifice he made but, much like an N'Sync song in the '90's, I don't want to hear it constantly. I don't think we need a president modeled after Burgess Meredith's character in Rocky.

Fred Thompson is trying to convince everyone of one of two things and he doesn't care which one you pick, as long as you pick one. A. He's Ronald Reagan as evidenced by his acting credentials and geezerish running age. Or, B. He really is the president because you've seen him on t.v. before as the president. If you believe A., you've got some Reagan like innability to "recall" pertinent facts mysteriously when asked. If you buy into B., you probably think he is also a four star general because you saw him issuin' orders to Alec Baldwin on that air craft carrier a decade or two ago. A or B is not the answer.

Mitt Romney sounds like an yoga move with a dash of S & M. I'm sure you'd probably have to cry a mitt romney off in the shower in the dark. He's got more money than The Tabernacle and he's apparently believed in the opposite position of whatever it is he believes in now at some point in the not to distant past.

Everybody likes Obama but they all claim he can't pull it off because he ain't got no experience. How in the hell do you get "experience" being the president when you have to be elected president to get any experience? I think the experience argument is a nice way of avoiding saying that he could win but we don't know if this country is ready for a black president. I have no issues with it but I'm sure there are alot of more experienced minded honkeys out there that do.

Hillary is either hated or loved. No in betwixt. The consensus is that the majority of Americans had it good while Wild Bill was porkin' the help while in The White House. I think Wild Bill as the First Lady would be good stuff. I bet you would find him at the White House on weekends layin' around in his drawers, drinking swill and eatin' fast food. I don't knowed really what to make of Hillary. I don't hate her like most people. She's obviously smart. But I think a lot of people are concerned about a woman president. I could care less. I'm married and, therefore, a woman already runs what little life I have left after working and chasing my boy. And then you got my mother still callin' some shots.

I'm just sayin....

Bring out your dead.

2007-10-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

The Yankees just got their stripes pinned by the Cleveland Indians. The freakin' Cleveland Indians. Oh yeah, the team that hasn't one a World Series since my dad was still sucklin from my grandma's worn-out teets (She had eleven childrens and he was number 8 of the bunch) just beat the Bronx Bombers.

Who made the last out you might ax? I'll give you a hint: he's great during the regular season but he turns stiff as an A rod in the post season. Yes, sir, Alex Emanuel Rodriquez flied out to end the season.

I want to be like wet glaze on sweet grease about this, the Yankees did not lose because A-Rod had a sub-A-Rod series. Jeter wasn't worth three Bobby Meachams.

Well, I'll have to get back to this tomorow. My wife says its time for me to go to bed. Or at least that's what I'm taking from the questions about whether or not the game ended and "if I'm coming to bed." And for those of you with your gourd in the gutter, don't get all hot and bothered. "Come to bed" means "Come in hear and watch Jungle Book in the bed with me, your two year old and a 90lb dog."

I'm just sayin.....

Fear and Loafing on Columbus Day '07

2007-10-08T19:40:00.000-07:00

I've never quite understood the theory behind Christopher Columbus. Is he celebrated because he had big enough Mary Kate and Ashley's to ride his ship out onto the not-so-flat sunset? Or, is he celebrated because he brought the VD to indians (feather not dot) and showed the rest of us where to come steal our country?

I'm not against Columbus. I even lived in a quaint little hamlet named after him in Ohio. O.K., so it was spread out like I can't believe it's not better on low lard toast and is the 16th largest city in the country, but you smell what I'm steppin' in.

I'm certainly not against a holiday. However, because Columbus Day is the bastard cousin of President's Day, i.e. it is not publicized in advance and - unless you still use saftey scissors, are a federal employee or work at a bank - it sneaks up on you like a ninja with a butt pinching fetish. It's over almost before you want to make a deposit, need a stamp or want to cut out the turkey you traced off your hand. Trying to accomplish such simple tasks that - on any other day - would be easier than that person everyone but you had, is a maddening experience. Despite the fact that you never give a damn about not being able to dew any of the above mentioned chores on any other day during the year, it's like it grates on your last psychotic nerve when you can't pull them off one Monday per calendar change.

Well, on this Columbus Day I started off stronger than a pure grain flavored Pop-Tart. I dropped off the boy, my car for fixin', got to werk, typed up an invite to my wife's 40th birthday shindig, did some other assorted asundry werkin' before meatin' mi padre for lunch at Los Amigos near Farlem, on the Southside.

Suprisingly, El Channel Ocho - or whatever it were- was not televising any special Columbus Day related programming. I'm always enthralled by the constant smiling and laughing of the los peeples on the shows on Spanish t.v. And then you got the fact that all the wimins seem to have big burrtos. But that's a different boobie, er, uh, I mean story.

Eitherwho, to celebrate the discoverin' of the land that we stole from the indians, all of us seated in booth cinco decided to partake in some - yep, you guessed it - firewater. My dad had some Mexican beer - is there a Mexican swill out there that isn't tasty? - my friend had a margarita and I had some tequila. Unlike most holiday luncheons, there was actually some food consumed. As usual, it was bueno stuffo.

Even when you don't swill it out, werking after lunch on a holiday is a hard nut to shuck. It's after lunch that you really start to ponder Ole C.C. because you're wonderin' why you hadn't thought about not werkin' in his honor earlier? If the federal "gubermint" says he's worthy of not werkin, then who is little ole me to try to thwart the wishes of The Man?

Not unlike other days when I feel like a gubermint employee, I hung around the oraphus for a while, answered a few calls and surfed the intranet. Except, in honor of Ole C.C., I looked at www.historychannel.com.

Didn't Ole C.C. come over on the Nina, Santa Maria and the Patron? I'll have to look into that.

I'm just sayin...

If I told you, I'd have to tequila you.

2007-10-06T19:46:00.000-07:00

Cuervo Tradicional and Squirt - believe it or not - actually tastes good. Not "White Castles post a good drunk good", but good nonetheless. Cuervo Tradicional and Diet Sun Drop is one of those combinations that should go down in history as muy terrible. Like Stalin and Mussolini, nitro and glycerin, big asses and spandex, these two should never mix. It was like drinking dirt without the worm.

Patron Platinum or Silver, on the otro hando, is smoother than Carlos Santana wearing silk drawers. Good stuff. I recommend it be chilled in the freezer prior to it heading south of your guzzle.

I'm about to share with you a revolucion (Damn I wish I was Bill Gates enough to knowed where to find me the el button that would sling one of those wavey things above some of these letters!) in tequlia swillin that I came up with. When swilling tequila you should use Key Limes for the after shot chaser. Using Key Limes will save you from spending a whole bunch of time trying to cut normal limes into perfectly proportioned wedges and slices. They are the size of a superball and can be cut and de-seeded quickly. Cutting regular limes almost makes you OCD out, I swear. One minit ewe'r just trying to slice a fruit to chase a shot with and then, before you realize it, ewe'r obsessing over the size of each wedge, whether you removed all the seeds and how much juice ewe'r losing in the slicing process. Just go wash your hands six or seven times and rock yourself to sleep in the corner for God's sake.

Leotard = a person with a low IQ that is obessed with Leonardo DiCaprio.

As most of ewe are aware, one of Idaho's Senators has recently come under scrutiny for his alleged participation in a George Michael like trangression in an airport bathroom in Minnessota. The Senator plead guilty to conducting himself disorderly and has now attempted to withdraw the guilty plea after the national media found out about it. While he had to have faith, the judge apparently told him "WHAM! I'm not allowing you to withdraw your guilty plea." I guess the hole "I didn't understand the law or my constitutional rights when I pleaded guilty" didn't really fly considering it was coming from a freaking jerk who writes laws for this country that have to comply with the mandates of that pesky little document known as the Constitution. The other weirdness that the rest of us non-Idahoans have figgered out of all of this is that that spud-loving conservatives have been a speculatin' on this cat's fondness for the hairy sex for 20 some odd years. I don't knowed what in the hell the guy's preferences in the rack have to do with his ability to get his legislate on butt Idahoans seem to be all about it even though they keep electing the guy. The guy actually stated that one reason he admitted to conducting himself disorderly was because he was feeling pressure from a major newspaper printing a story claiming he and Barney Frank played on the same team. If a newspaper is writing stories about how you may or may not be gay, you either need to look that gay man who always appears in your mirror straight in his eyes and admit the true, or figger out why you only hang out with women, watch Lifetime, wear thumb rings and take so long to get ready. When this whole story broke, the Republican Party was hoping that this cat would quit stalling -so to speak - and resign. Well, the damndest thing happened. He held a press conference and gave it up but now, as late as this week, he's saying - once again - he didn't know what he was doing and he's going to hang around and finish his term. Gay or not, the guy's got gonards.

Utah is predominantly Mormon. Back in the day, Mormons use to buy into polygamy - one guy having multiple wives. For the record, they gave that up a long time ago. However, they are conservative and don't buy into same sex marriages. As one of my friends said the other day, their state motto should be '"Utah: You can have as many wives as you want as long as one of them doesn't have a penis.'" I would love to see that on a bumper sticker or a license plate.

Papa John's is flogging what they say are two new pizzas. Being a man with a gut and a taste for pie, I am always attentive to piemercials. The two new flavors are a Six Cheese Pizza and a Sicilian Meats Pizza. No matter how many freaking versions of bovine lactate your throw on a pizza, its still just a cheese pizza. I ain't sayin' it ain't tastier than a chocolate covered boobie on Valentine's Day. I'm just sayin' the general pizza eatin' public is smart enough to know that this is just some kind of fancier version of a regular ole dang ole dang cheese pizza. I think someone else already holds the patent for putting cheeeze on dough with sauce. The other new pie that consits of "Sicilian Meats" is a glorified pepporoni and sausage pizza. Once again, I'm all about some sausage and pepporoni pizza but you don't have to invoke thoughts of "The Old Country" and Vito Coreleno kealing over outside his house to get me to order a pepporoni and sausage pizza.

Eye'm just sayin.....

Wign' out

2007-10-03T19:24:00.000-07:00

As purr ewesual, the belew is nothing more than some goofiness that I currently theorized. Any truth in the below is completely unintended and should be ignored much like the repeated calls you may or may not receive from the ilist cyber stalker of the week.

The mawl has been open for more years than one pizza joint can handle, but, throughout the years one business has persevered and still remains - not only in the same locale that it has always resided - and its chain link fence apparatus is still open for buisness during regular hours. What is the bastion of economic prosperity that flogs gear that has survived Reagan's Trickle Down Economics, the dot.com blow out and is, apparrently, one of the only joints that can rake in the dough consistenly without being a subsidiary of Halliburton?

Chic Wigs. Oh yeah. I have the stones to mention it.

Come on, admit it. Every time you went hair shoppin you've never seen a fellow wiggee (purchaser) in the store. All you ever see is a bunch of homeless hair and one wigger (seller/employee). There's never any advertising or specials. "Buy one weave and get the second at 1/2 price!" or "Special on Bee-Hives, color laced extensions and all colors of coif in a can - the world's premier aerosal hair product."

Ain't no body ever in that joint, but some how they manage to keep their chain link gate open on a daily basis. Ruby Tuesday coulnd't entice enuff butiness in with a fancy salad bar - i.e. it had separate spoons for each individual vat of dressing - but floggin' hair up near the front is a cash cow. Maybe all those people that use to frequent the ATM that was within wig distance would be counting their cash and think, "hey, I've got an extra twenty, I need some some dreadlocks to where to that business meeting the morning."

Chic Wigs has seen the arcarde bite the dust. It's seen several stores go out as quickly as they move into to the revolving grunge store area where the grunge store formerly known as Gadzooks use grunge it up. How many different people hoarkin' jewelry have come and gone during Chic Wigs reign of financial prosperity? Lewis Michelson could have had a toupee for every day had his store only been as successfull.

Paducah is all about enrichen' uranium, towboats, BBQ, quiltin' and store bought hair. Next time you see a fewl that appears to glow, get off a boat after his 30 on, wrapped in quilt, with a pompador that still has a upc code on it, don't wig out, just remember Chic Wigs will always be there.

I'm just sayin.....

Kiddy Gibberish and Unrelated Action

2007-10-02T18:38:00.000-07:00

Rumor had it, that my son was a cute blonde version of Rain Man. Nah, he didn't have to watch Wapner at specifics time or dance with hot hispanic women in swanky hotel rooms. He just didn't talk much. According to Dr. Sulu's book, he was behind in his linguistical stylings and needed therapy. Not really a lisp nurse, cause it wasn't a spittle retention issue. He had Charley Chaplin Syndrome. The boy just didn't say his peace, so to speak.

Well, we got him hooked up through some "suckling from the state teet" program with a speech pathologist. It was slow at first. He seemed to dig showing her all his toys more than he did actually talking to her. Then, more recently, something changed. The boy, now deuce and quater anos old, started talking.

Now, if you're at our hoose, don't be surprised if you see a spherical object of some nature come flying directly at your crotch after seeing the most beautiful swing a two-year old future New York Yankee could display and hearing what can only be described as a mix between a "Stars Wars-bar-scene" dialect with a touch of a drunk Scottsman's "r" rolling. It truly is a sound to hear.

You hear it and you don't know if the dog just caught some type of varmit or if a cd skipped. There's also the occasional high pitched squeal involved, just in case you missed your weekly test of the emergency services gig that always seems to show up just when whatever you're watching just got good.

Some randomness....

What does it say about your county if they agree to (a) eliminate a guy's position early so as to insure that he doesn't get fired by another incoming cat (b) give him a severance package and then (c) claim it was illegal and (d) sue not only the poor guy they agreed to give the money to but themselves? Has anyone ever seen a situation in which an attorney sues his own client on the grounds that an action they took - which he advised them to take under the law - was illegal? I don't think this type of b.s. would have flown on the Practice. If a writer has proposed this as the plot to an episode of L.A. Law, he would have been told his was L.A. Wrong and had his privileges revoked. This is the type of action that makes Paducah great. Whereas the local government and charity groups claim it only occurs for three day in September, clearly is Swine Fest transpires year round when it comes to local political schinanigans. Without the intent of offending anyone, this whole situation should spawn a new term, Chief Paduke Giving. Who really knows what the gentleman with the poorly worded name for government work actually ever did but, one thing is for certain, he sure as hell didn't force anyone to 86 his job early and then give him a chunk of dough to ride off into the sunset. In the words of Mike Tyson, its ludicrisp.

O.K., the City needs to make their alleged payroll take hike permanent because they need the cash. Why not use all the moolah they apparently had laying around to by the Big E? Attempting to justify a continued tax increase when you attempted to buy a rundown, 70's porn set decorated hotel for millions of dough - or roughly 3 Euro - several months earlier is like trying to convince Steven Segal to lay off the doughnuts, hair product and the use of the phrase "Hard to..." in his movie titles. Much like expecting a pudgy, WD 40'd haired kung fu master who's now merely hard to take - as oppossed to be hard to kill or handle - to lay off his forumla for success, no one wants to be told they need to keep siphoning benjamins from their own checks when the same fewls that voted to keep the funnel going were just recently trying to get into the hotel buitness.

Is Nancy Grace as chapped as she looks acts or does the camera just add 10 pounds of angry?

There's actually a program on Channel Six right now - no, not the Channel 6 that's actually on Channel 5 that breaks wind, weather and news - entitled "The Price of Porn." Bob Barker is no where to be found. This is not pay per view. Her life was apparently ruined because she caught her husband - her second, which was formerly her attorney that handled her first divorce - looking at porn. She was a former Playboy model and porn viewing freaked her out. Look, if porn has any influence on your life, you need to get less of a grip (snicker) and go on about your normal daily life. All nurses do not want to sleep with you. Mailmen aren't there to give you a "special delivery". You don't get involved in threesomes by making the proper eye contact in the produce isle at the grocery store. Porn teaches you several things: you're not that good in the rack, all members of the opposite sex don't always want to do the nasty and, simply because you hear bad instrumental music suddenly playing in the background, it doesn't mean you should start stripping. Because, if you do, next thing you know, you'll be nude at an oldies bar hoping the thermostat is turned up.

I'm just sayin.....

Swine Fest On The River '07

2007-09-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

Well peeples, it's that time of year again. It's Paducah's own little holiday on river. It's a pinch of Fourth of July, mixed with a dash of St. Patrick's Day and whole mess of Giving Thanks. You got your weekend that everyone looks forward too, a nicely squared-off area to drink your swill that you had to use tickets to procure (what's the gig with the tickets and feeling like a rednosed raffle winner everytime you have to go buy more?) and a whole lot of chow to mow down on. Oh yea, it's Swine Fest on The River '07!

If Richard Simmons filmed an exercise video hear this weekend it'd be called "Porkin' to The Oldies". If Ron Popeil were at the riverfront, he'd tell you to throw some swine in the trusty Showtime Rotisserie Grill and "Pork it and forget it." Yogi Berra - if asked about the Swine Fest, would tell you, "When you come to a pork in the road, take it." If the Swine Fest had a debate, Rudy Porkliani would go toe to toe with Porklary Clinton. If ESPN covered the event, highlights would be on the 10 O'Clock Porkcenter. Okay, enuff of the "Wayne's World-esque" action. Werd.

With all the assorted variations on swine, sweets and swill, downtown is like the last challenge prior to the not-so Biggest Loser being sent home to show his/her spouse how hot they now are before reminding them how hot they ain't. As an afront, I wonder how many perfectly happy overweight marriages that show has busted up because it made one spouse hot and gave them self-confidence while leaving the other, at home, to take care of the kids, manage their lives and count the Twinkies until the other came home?

Back to the pork at hand. Essentially, every booth down at the Fest has swine that would make you smack yo grandmomma in the teeth if she had them in. I've never ate anything down there that wasn't tasty. Of course, I'm kinda like that bald guy on that show that comes on that cable network once a week, i.e. I ain't ate too much I didn't dig. You're real quandry is on who's swine do you dine?

That's where you get yourself into a whole mess of decidin'. Dry rub v. sauce. Hot v. mild. Beef v. chicken. The booth barbecuing for Jesus v. the booth barbecuing for some charity you've never heard of. Whichever one you decide to bone up with, you can't go wong.

Another factor that has to be thrown into to your math before you solve the Swine Fest equation is, at what time do you go? Choosing the wrong time to show can cause you either to see a whole helluva of a lot of people you know - which, in turn, means you talk to them as opposed to the person(s) that brung ye, which may or may not be desireable- or you won't see any porkin' people that you know at all. This two, much like a menu that defines "mountain oysters", can be advantageous for reasons that will remain nameless.

And then ewe got ewe're fried items. Twinkies. Oreos. Ice cream. Cheesecake. Allegedly, some charitable bunch of artery-cloggers are fryin' up Snickers this year. There's so much tasty fried goodness down there that the Cardiology Group has a booth. I heard that Western Baptist is going to have a booth equipped with a catheter lab on site.

Swine Fest '07 looks to be better than its porkcessors. Stop by the ATM, grab some cash, brush up on using a defibulator and get your pork on!

I'm just sayin.....

You're initial "Slingo" experience

2007-09-25T18:50:00.000-07:00

WARNING: The gibberish that is about to appear below is solely my opinion and, if it affects your life in any substantial way, you should immediately ask your mother to take to your therapist's office to request a full refund. And no matter what they say, do not take in store credit. You want a full refund damn it! Whereas any grammatical errors may or may not be intentional, most ms. spellings are mint to be their along with the use of the wrong werd. I'm a big phan of goofiness such as that and I've decided to stick with the lingo that brung me. A good friend of mine has coined the term "Slingo" to describe the vernacular that I recalcitrate. So, lace up your vestibules and here we go......

Ewe ever noticed that no matter how terrible the weekend end news wrap up is, the anchor throws in what the number one flic at the box officer fer the weekend? "Iran launched a nuclear attack on Iraq today, the stock market crashed and finally, Dirty Dancing 2: Havanna Nights takes the weekend box office. " I mean no matter how shady thangs have gotten, the major networks apparently feel as though we need to know what movie we should have went and saw just prior to our starting to glow in the dark. I mean if watching a Swayzeless bastardization of one of the best worst movies of all times would have save me some duckets, I would not have given all my excess cash to that nice Nigerian fellow that contacted me via the internet.

Hear is a tip - and I'm not saying it applies to Nigeria because I'm not Jaque Cousteau or his non-union equivalent - if you live in a country that has changed names during your life time, you need to bolt. I mean naming a country is a little more serious than naming a pet or deciding to take on your spouse's last name. Burma is now Myanmar (which is I thought was the place Maverick and Goose went to school in Top Gun until recently). I guess that is better than Burma II, or Big Burm. Apparently Chad, which I remember from my 6th Grade Social Studies report is now something more official sounding. All those Slavias and Slovakias in Europe are now something else. Is Tunisia still running around out there sounding like a fish with a memory disorder or did Kadhfia or somebody hornswaggle on into to the mix and change it all up? These are all just questions. There are no attendance policies or homework assignments.

Whatever happened to Caroline Rhea as the moder-eater on NBC's lard fest that is The Biggest Loser? I found Caroline Rhea to be a more credible host than that waife that either did or did not bump uglies with Lucas during the Days of their Life. I mean, you knowed before you ever nude that Caroline Rhea as having to be caddle prodded away from the chow related challenges. A couple of times when the camera would cut back and catch her unprepared, you could see her wipe sauce off her mug hastily, as if you couldn't see the half-eaten bratwurst laying on the floor next to her. I mean, this new chic looks as if she has purge breaks in betwixt the commercials. We no longer have the fun of looking ferwerd to each week to see if the host had boned up to the all you could eat buffet at the Sizzler just outside the friendly confines of The Ranch. I could identify with because I look like the guy that ate me in high school. Have you noticed that it is called "the campus" this season. That is either a move to disassociate it with a fatty salad dressing or someone realized that calling it that made it sound like our chunky monkeys were gettin' on the good foot to do the fat thang in a cult-like environment.

Finally, is everybody looking forward to porking themselves silly at the Swine Fest on the River? I always dig the coming together of the various types of cultures and peoples that you encounter at said pork-o-thon. Fer instance, there's a church group that always flogs the apparent Baptized version of the Mexican delicacy, fried of ice cream. Who would have thunk that the concept of frying a frozen treat would have brought these divergent peeples together in the name of charity?

I'm just sayin......