Just when you thought insomnia and a penchant for not being able to let thoughts about your work go would never pay off, your house starts shaking at 4:40 a.m.ish and it all pays off. Of course, that didn't make the previous two hours of me tossing and turning and rolling myself up in the sheets like a joint worth while, but the last twenty minits have been fun.
Here's the thing that been's funnest. For all its Breaking Weather bullshit, it took WPSDTV a little less than 10 minutes to get something on the air declaring a quake o the earth had occurred. Now, tell me if I'm Wong here, but wouldn't an ---- THIS JUST IN... AT 5:00 ON THE DOT THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT. 5.4 ON THE RICHTER SCALE ---- earthquake be breaking news because they are very rare and they literally break shit? They spent every bit of 4 minutes max on the earthquake. Now, if it has been snowing or, there had been a thunderstorm, the majority of the newscast would have been devoted to coverage of such a monumental event. But something as pesky as little 5.4 magnitude earthquake isn't breaking enough. Wait a minute, they did add a rather nifty graphic showing the earthquake on their fancy weather map. But's its gone now. It's been broken over by news of other weather. Apparrently it's going to rain.
The best way to describe the earthquake would be like the shaking of my love handles when I run down a flight of stairs. Or maybe its like how you shake the shit out of your kid when they do something wrong......, er, uh, .... forget that example. Butt seriously, like a Sir Mixalot video, it shook my wife's house like Jello-O. It was really weird because I was sitting hear on the couch trying to be quiet in my non-being able to sleepness. I had the t.v. down very low and was contemplating trying to trick myself into attempting to sleep again and then, out of nowhere, I felt like a pair of double DD's at trampoline camp. My wife immediately came out the room and diagnosed the situation. I thought it was some type of strong wind. Then, realizing that (A) she's smarter than me (B) she's always write and (C) we don't live in a trailer, I concurred with her diagnosis and sent off the appropriate paperwork so we could be reimbursed accordingly.
What do you do after an earthquake? Do you run out into the streets screaming? I thought about it. It sort of seemed appropriate. I thought that I had saw that on a movie somewhere but I decided against it since my wife calmly took a pull from a Diet Sun Drop and went back to bed with our son. Do you start looting and pillaging? I could use a Rolex but the correlation between earthquake and breaking into Michelson's seems tenuous. Maybe there are some books or websites that you can find that tell you what to do after you lived through such a traumatic event as this. I'm sure #1 on the list is look down where your walking and don't step into any cracks. That's the first thing I'm going to look for. Aren't you always suppose to have bottled water and a first aid kit handy to survive an earthquake? How did I make through? Should I go buy that stuff now in case Sheriff Hayden or somebody comes by to check?
Maybe I should write a book about how to survive earthquakes. Step 1. Lay on a couch with a blanket, preferably some type of crocheted action. Step 2. Have a laptop computer and wireless internet. Step 3. Remain Calm. Step 4. Listen to and do what your wife says. Step. 5. Always remember 4. That's a freaking bestseller if I've ever seen it. I should get my own earthquake survival show like that saucy Bear Grylls dude on Discovery Channel who use to be in the English special forces. Have you seen this cat? They drop him off in some god awful joint with the clothes on his limey back and a knife and he lives off the land for a week and shows you how to survive. Basically, he finds an excuse in every espisode to drink his own pee but he's a cool dude. The bastard is fearless and eats things that would make a billygoat reach for the Pepto. Anyway, I could have like a weekly series where I traveled around to known fault regions and tested my survivability by laying on a couch in each region with my computer. I mean, I might have to try different types of blankets and there would be no guarantees that I would have internet access, or that my wife would even let me go. It could be very dangerous. I think I know what the cable viewing public need. My fat ass on a couch with a laptop and blanket in different parts of the world, for thirty minutes, weekly. Oh yeah. I haven't seen this much potential since New Coke or the Le Car.
Well, I'm pretty sure martial law is not going to be called into effect. Birds are singing. The sun is still coming up. According to picture I just saw on Channel Six, Superman still showed up for work today in Metropolis. We're going to be all write. Just look down where you're walking and don't step into any cracks.
I can't stand it. WPSDTV has just named it the "Illinios Earthquake". I'm guessing that's because its epcotcenter was in Illinois. That may be the technical earthquakeologist way to go about naming your children, so to speak, but, since it shook my wife's abode in KY, and I'm claiming this hear quake as my own. Let's be a little more patriotic about our earthquakes around these parts by God! SUPPORT OUR QUAKES! I swear to Jesus I may print up bumper stickers that say such. I have truly just discovered that sometimes being tired is just as crazy as being drunk. Thank you. The 4:30 a.m. show is completely different from the 6:00 a.m. show. Tip your waitress.
....I'm just sayin.....
Friday, April 18, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Chief Bratton is a Jerk, Weather's a breakin' and we all need to get the fu#* over it!
The local talk radio station has been doing an in depth series on the Paducah City Police Chief's alleged ineptitude where they interview present and past officers about his failures as both a leader and an officer. This is interesting on several levels.
First, it's interesting because he's still the acting chief o' police and some of the officers that have casted asparagus in his general direction may face some form of retribution. Second, one part of the story highlights the now famed incident in which the chief attempted to enter an apartment by breaking a window with the grip of his Glock which apparently ulitmately led to it's magazine falling out and maybe a round falling out. To be clear, no rounds were fired. Third, the chief has recently applied for another chief job in a different city and it is interesting that all of this that has been known for longer than Methusala's address has just now come out on the radio.
So what is going on? We've got ourselves a good ole fashion contradiciton peoples. It's like high school. When I was a senior, I was popular. I had a hot girlfriend but I wanted to hook up with other chicks. I tried to do the honorable thing by breaking up with her and being single so I could date other chicks but then I thought about her dating other guys getting their hands on her boobies and I couldn't stand it. I didn't break up with her and decided to cheat on her. I want to play with her boobies and all the others on the side too. That is what is going on hear. The Paducah City Police Officers don't like Chief Bratton. They hate his goofy ass. They think he has been too harsh on them. However, the minute he applies for another job, its like they don't want him to leave and they start trash talking him so he can't. You think those cats where ever he's applying are going to hire him if they see that this local radio station is running a series on how much his men hate him? Is that a normal occurrence for police chiefs? I mean, if you really wanted him gone, you'd write him letters of recommendation. You'd say he was freaking Walker Texas Ranger. By the way, if you get on www. wkyxwngo's website and look at Bratton's picture, does it look like you should see a link to some kind of registry where it tells you either what he did and how far he has to live from schools or, at the very least, when he got his comestology license? Seriously. That smile is so cheezy and strained it looks like he brushed his teeth with gouda.
Look, I don't pretend to know nuthin bout the beef in that department because I ain't never strapped on no piece and ever risked my tired ass life for money day in day out. But the cats I know and respect that do don't like him. I'm taking their side. That's good enuff for me. I still think they should lie and kiss his ass to get rid of him though. Promotion is the best policy to get rid of dumbasses. See a lot of our local politicians. If you look at their years of expeirence prior to their first elected position you'll see more free air space than then no fly zone over Iraq. Fill in the blank with some of the last local pols you voted for or your superiors. Keeping the same job you got with no experience only means you have expeirence at that job by the way. It doesn't mean you have experience doing anything else.
Does it take a freakin' 5 part series to know he's a jerk and the cops don't like him? I mean damn? Is that a series worthy subject? They should have called it "Chief Bratton:Dickilicious". Who doesn't know this stuff? I could should have been four parts: two balls, one shaft and one head. I don't think Bratton tries to be nature's answer to pickled bologna on purpose, I just think he's got his style and he's in charge and that's the way he is going to run the show. For whatever that is worth, you have to respect that as long as he's in charge.
I was watching the 6 O'Clock news and the cat next to chick with the skunk stripe said tonight was a good night to practice your "breaking weather drills". Breaking weather drills? WTF is that? Turning on the t.v., looking out the window, making sure a tornado is not coming directly at your house and turning it off? The local media in this town is obessed with the weather to the point that it is amazing. I can't imagine trying to convince someone in my immediate family or household that we had to do "drills" based off the weather. Like snowflake jumping jacks or some shit. Stop, drop and rolling to the fridge to get another beer might work but that is as far as I'm going to take it.
....I'm just sayin......
First, it's interesting because he's still the acting chief o' police and some of the officers that have casted asparagus in his general direction may face some form of retribution. Second, one part of the story highlights the now famed incident in which the chief attempted to enter an apartment by breaking a window with the grip of his Glock which apparently ulitmately led to it's magazine falling out and maybe a round falling out. To be clear, no rounds were fired. Third, the chief has recently applied for another chief job in a different city and it is interesting that all of this that has been known for longer than Methusala's address has just now come out on the radio.
So what is going on? We've got ourselves a good ole fashion contradiciton peoples. It's like high school. When I was a senior, I was popular. I had a hot girlfriend but I wanted to hook up with other chicks. I tried to do the honorable thing by breaking up with her and being single so I could date other chicks but then I thought about her dating other guys getting their hands on her boobies and I couldn't stand it. I didn't break up with her and decided to cheat on her. I want to play with her boobies and all the others on the side too. That is what is going on hear. The Paducah City Police Officers don't like Chief Bratton. They hate his goofy ass. They think he has been too harsh on them. However, the minute he applies for another job, its like they don't want him to leave and they start trash talking him so he can't. You think those cats where ever he's applying are going to hire him if they see that this local radio station is running a series on how much his men hate him? Is that a normal occurrence for police chiefs? I mean, if you really wanted him gone, you'd write him letters of recommendation. You'd say he was freaking Walker Texas Ranger. By the way, if you get on www. wkyxwngo's website and look at Bratton's picture, does it look like you should see a link to some kind of registry where it tells you either what he did and how far he has to live from schools or, at the very least, when he got his comestology license? Seriously. That smile is so cheezy and strained it looks like he brushed his teeth with gouda.
Look, I don't pretend to know nuthin bout the beef in that department because I ain't never strapped on no piece and ever risked my tired ass life for money day in day out. But the cats I know and respect that do don't like him. I'm taking their side. That's good enuff for me. I still think they should lie and kiss his ass to get rid of him though. Promotion is the best policy to get rid of dumbasses. See a lot of our local politicians. If you look at their years of expeirence prior to their first elected position you'll see more free air space than then no fly zone over Iraq. Fill in the blank with some of the last local pols you voted for or your superiors. Keeping the same job you got with no experience only means you have expeirence at that job by the way. It doesn't mean you have experience doing anything else.
Does it take a freakin' 5 part series to know he's a jerk and the cops don't like him? I mean damn? Is that a series worthy subject? They should have called it "Chief Bratton:Dickilicious". Who doesn't know this stuff? I could should have been four parts: two balls, one shaft and one head. I don't think Bratton tries to be nature's answer to pickled bologna on purpose, I just think he's got his style and he's in charge and that's the way he is going to run the show. For whatever that is worth, you have to respect that as long as he's in charge.
I was watching the 6 O'Clock news and the cat next to chick with the skunk stripe said tonight was a good night to practice your "breaking weather drills". Breaking weather drills? WTF is that? Turning on the t.v., looking out the window, making sure a tornado is not coming directly at your house and turning it off? The local media in this town is obessed with the weather to the point that it is amazing. I can't imagine trying to convince someone in my immediate family or household that we had to do "drills" based off the weather. Like snowflake jumping jacks or some shit. Stop, drop and rolling to the fridge to get another beer might work but that is as far as I'm going to take it.
....I'm just sayin......
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The McCracken Physical Court should open up a soccer bank and just get it over with!
On Wednesday, there was a followup in the Republican Sun Always rises about an ongoing story where the McCracken County Physical Court has hemhawed around the idea of giving a company that makes fuel out dirt or something else biodegradeable - cue Dr. Evil clip -$1 million dollars. Apparrently, County Judge Executive VanLooneyberry (CJEVLB) has previously indicated he's all about shelling out the county's duckett's to a private company a la private bank style as long as the county gets some decent juice. Some of the other County Commissioners must have expressed some trepidation at getting into the loan sharking buitness because they asked the county attorney's office to issue an opinion on whether or not a county can shark loans.
Then, being ever trustful of the man who said to give Steve Doolittle his money and then sued Steve Doolittle for taking it, when Boaz's office said they thought the County could shark loans, another commissioner asked them to consult the hottest inexperienced elected official Kentucky has ever seen Attorney General Jack Conway. All of this caused enough concern that the Republican Sun Also Rises wrote an editorial stating the obvious that the Physical Court needed to stay out of the loan sharking buitness. The even funnier part about all of this is, allegedly, one of the men that would be getting and/or having control over this dough to be degrable to fuels has a felony drug record longer than the director's cut of Gahndi. Apparrently, the Physical Court's loan application ain't to in depth.
In today's edition of the local rag, CJEVLB is hemhawing around with the Physical Court on where to put a soccer complex. It's either going to put next to private sports plex or near I-24. The decision where to put this soccer complex has been being "decided on" since Bo and Hope were wearing diapers and being plotted against by a collicky Steffano in a maternity ward in Salem. It seems like the Physical Court or the Shitty Commission can't do anything without studying something, appointing a freaking task force or hiring a consultant to tell them what anyone with the proverbial lick of commonsense or gonards to make a tough call could do. In the time that it has taken them to decide where to put this soccer complex I'm sure that there are some kids that have forgotten that they even wanted to play soccer. It's a good thing we apparrently don't have that many hardcore soccer fans in Paducah because, if we did, a drunken gang of soccer houligans would have already bumrushed the doors of one of these goofy wee-girl meetin's and solved this problem.
To compromise, I think the Physical Court should just open a Soccer Bank Complex. It would be the best of both worlds and you could probably even find one consultant to head one task force to tell you how to do it.
....I'm just sayin.....
Then, being ever trustful of the man who said to give Steve Doolittle his money and then sued Steve Doolittle for taking it, when Boaz's office said they thought the County could shark loans, another commissioner asked them to consult the hottest inexperienced elected official Kentucky has ever seen Attorney General Jack Conway. All of this caused enough concern that the Republican Sun Also Rises wrote an editorial stating the obvious that the Physical Court needed to stay out of the loan sharking buitness. The even funnier part about all of this is, allegedly, one of the men that would be getting and/or having control over this dough to be degrable to fuels has a felony drug record longer than the director's cut of Gahndi. Apparrently, the Physical Court's loan application ain't to in depth.
In today's edition of the local rag, CJEVLB is hemhawing around with the Physical Court on where to put a soccer complex. It's either going to put next to private sports plex or near I-24. The decision where to put this soccer complex has been being "decided on" since Bo and Hope were wearing diapers and being plotted against by a collicky Steffano in a maternity ward in Salem. It seems like the Physical Court or the Shitty Commission can't do anything without studying something, appointing a freaking task force or hiring a consultant to tell them what anyone with the proverbial lick of commonsense or gonards to make a tough call could do. In the time that it has taken them to decide where to put this soccer complex I'm sure that there are some kids that have forgotten that they even wanted to play soccer. It's a good thing we apparrently don't have that many hardcore soccer fans in Paducah because, if we did, a drunken gang of soccer houligans would have already bumrushed the doors of one of these goofy wee-girl meetin's and solved this problem.
To compromise, I think the Physical Court should just open a Soccer Bank Complex. It would be the best of both worlds and you could probably even find one consultant to head one task force to tell you how to do it.
....I'm just sayin.....
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Paducah: A local scandal every 30 minutes or your next pizza is free!
If you weren't from hear you probably haven't heard about the goofy local bullshit that you hear about when you live hear. Oh yeah, I not only thought that, but I typed it.
What I mint to say was, thank you to Tommy O. Just when you thought the saga that is the - cue the hopefully non-copyrighted music in your head - Pain Management Law School fiasco jamboree had come to some kind of non-denominational wholesale foreclosure type settlement (all those words just sounded fun thrown together), the freaking interim dean, some sort of fractional dean and an indentured servant or something all resign in protest over Tommy O's running of the joint and his pacific lack of infusion of cash. Interestingly enough, since Dr. Manchikanti purchased the majority of the stock, no one has complained of a lack of Lortabs or chronic back pain. According to the letters of resignation however, creditors have been complaining of a lack of cash being flogged there way. Allegedly, the water to the library was even cutoff.
Tommy O's prescription for this recent round of turmoil was a news conference in which he announced that a cat named Putt from TX would be coming up in June to possibly take over if the students wanted him to. This guy was going to continue to putz around in TX until June because he's dean or owner or both of a law school down there and has obligations until then. Also, the name of the school was changed to the Alben W. Barkley School of Law on the theory that the law school hasn't brought enough embarrassment to the City of Paducah so far and it might was well try to take down it's most famous and successful politician by naming it after him. I mean I don't think the City Commission would have fell for Tommy O naming it the Land Grab and Local Government Incentive Based School of Law. I fucking swear, those guys that Tommy O sued in federal court for this school have gotten shirts that said, "The City of Paducah gave me a bunch of land for nothing, I started a law school, got sued in federal court and all I got was this shirt" as a part of the settlement.
Let's recap. You're school is in complete disarray and the people you brought in to class up the joint when you took over quit a mere month or so into your tenure. They say bad things about you in their letters of resignation and email them to all the students that have hung around. You then ride in on your white horse to introduce the savior that will, bear with you, show up in 3 months. You tell them that you'll be getting the money necessary to run the school very soon and its all just paperwork issues with the loan provider out of New York. You then change the name of the school.
I didn't see the footage of the press conference or any pictures but did Tommy O have an IV or any noticeable tubes coming from him while he talked? Was Dr. Stuffed Pasta standing near him or did he ever appear to have recently injected or gassed him before he said any of this shit? I'm asking because these are the types of statements that are similar to those that I have made under the influence of prescription medications and/or after being brained.
I have no idea who the Putt guy or what his qualifications are. All I know is that (A) he is in TX; (B) he can't come til June; (C) this ain't TX; and (D) March is two months prior to June. So is it going to just continue to be pure uncut legal hell out there until June? I mean is this guy like the Wyatt Earp of law schools or something? I get the impression that it is like that movie Lean On Me out there except for law schools.
How in hell do you sue someone in federal court, successfully win that lawsuit and then take over a fucking law school without already having the necessary funds in place to run it? That's like begging a woman for sex and then, when she says yes, deciding to masturbate. You can't buy a car without either having all the cash up front or having financing pre-approved. I just can't believe that if children really are our future there are no forms for pre-approving financing when purchasing or taking over a school. Is Whiteny Houston a liar? Crazy crack addict sure, but liar? You can buy a car for as little as a dollar a day on the Southside but Tommy O can't come up with the forms or the $$$ to run the law school he successfully sued for ownership over in federal court? Something just don't jive with the whole "we're getting the money it's just been a paperwork issue" story.
Next plan to save the day, change the name! Maybe no one will remember that the school has had all these problems and that my interim staff just resigned and the school will suddenly become an esteemed center of higher education if I name it after a local political big wig! Can't you just see Jon Lovitz' character that told all the lies on SNL and always said "Yeah, that's the ticket" coming up with this one. I'm not even going to sit hear and say that I don't think the American Justice School of Law wasn't cheesier than hell, but I think I'd be focusing on a little more important things like paying the goddamn bills, making sure I had students to attend my school and getting accredited before I got all hung up in trying to latch onto to some fake sense of credibility by humping the leg of the ghost of a local legend.
And now for something seemingly completely different yet somewhat related.....the Big E still ain't fer sale because Mr. Singh ain't losin' enough money to make him sell! What? Mr. Singh and another Mr. Singh - who may or may know each other - gave an interview to a reporter for the Republican Sun Always Rises this week in which they essentially stated that were happy with owning the Big E. They knew the property was worth a lot of cash and that they had no interest in selling UNLESS the price was right. Well come on down City Commission.....
Singh has probably put some cash into restoring the vintage 70's porno deco style theme of the hotel but you can find most of that stuff for cheap on pornbay. And, as I've stated on numerous occassions before, who cares if he does or does not fix up that lego lookin' monstrosity? Sure it would be better for the City and everyone if he did, but, you know what, he owns it and can do whatever the hell he wants with it. I don't see anyone bitching at whoever owns that building downtown that looks like a three year old plastered it with tiles from a gay man's Scrabble game. The tile looking things are pastel colors and there is no business open in the building. There are all kinds of other buildings that look like hell downtown that have problems but the Shitty Commission isn't on the backs of those owners.
So who is the Big E valuable to? No one except the City of Paducah, quilters and the yearly influx of psychic fair attendees. Of course, they knew that before I even wrote it. Or did they know I wrote this before I ever knew that? Anyway...the hotel itself is not what is valuable, it's the land. Singh has them by the moutain oysters. I bet he got the idea to buy the joint by hearing about how riled up the Commission got when one of its own task forces recommended tearing the thing down. You remember that years ago? Turkey Neck and the Then Shitty Commission paid dough to some guy to study what to do with downtown and he suggested tearing down the joint to build a new hotel. When he suggested that at a meeting, Turkey Neck got all offended. Now, however many years later, that is what the City wants to do. I'll bet dinars to doughnuts that Singh saw that somehow and that's how he got involved. How else would he end up in Paducah?
In either event, the City will try to condemn the property, litigation will insue or they will pay him major duckets for it. In any event, Mr. Singh is going to get his $$$ for the biggest shitty hotel in America. Smart guy. Seems like he and Tommy O share the same theories on running a joint don't they? Maybe they could move the law school to the Big E. Each student could have their own personal classroom. It'd be the only law school in the country with a bar and all you could eat weekend Prime Rib Buffet. I like it.
....I'm just sayin.....
What I mint to say was, thank you to Tommy O. Just when you thought the saga that is the - cue the hopefully non-copyrighted music in your head - Pain Management Law School fiasco jamboree had come to some kind of non-denominational wholesale foreclosure type settlement (all those words just sounded fun thrown together), the freaking interim dean, some sort of fractional dean and an indentured servant or something all resign in protest over Tommy O's running of the joint and his pacific lack of infusion of cash. Interestingly enough, since Dr. Manchikanti purchased the majority of the stock, no one has complained of a lack of Lortabs or chronic back pain. According to the letters of resignation however, creditors have been complaining of a lack of cash being flogged there way. Allegedly, the water to the library was even cutoff.
Tommy O's prescription for this recent round of turmoil was a news conference in which he announced that a cat named Putt from TX would be coming up in June to possibly take over if the students wanted him to. This guy was going to continue to putz around in TX until June because he's dean or owner or both of a law school down there and has obligations until then. Also, the name of the school was changed to the Alben W. Barkley School of Law on the theory that the law school hasn't brought enough embarrassment to the City of Paducah so far and it might was well try to take down it's most famous and successful politician by naming it after him. I mean I don't think the City Commission would have fell for Tommy O naming it the Land Grab and Local Government Incentive Based School of Law. I fucking swear, those guys that Tommy O sued in federal court for this school have gotten shirts that said, "The City of Paducah gave me a bunch of land for nothing, I started a law school, got sued in federal court and all I got was this shirt" as a part of the settlement.
Let's recap. You're school is in complete disarray and the people you brought in to class up the joint when you took over quit a mere month or so into your tenure. They say bad things about you in their letters of resignation and email them to all the students that have hung around. You then ride in on your white horse to introduce the savior that will, bear with you, show up in 3 months. You tell them that you'll be getting the money necessary to run the school very soon and its all just paperwork issues with the loan provider out of New York. You then change the name of the school.
I didn't see the footage of the press conference or any pictures but did Tommy O have an IV or any noticeable tubes coming from him while he talked? Was Dr. Stuffed Pasta standing near him or did he ever appear to have recently injected or gassed him before he said any of this shit? I'm asking because these are the types of statements that are similar to those that I have made under the influence of prescription medications and/or after being brained.
I have no idea who the Putt guy or what his qualifications are. All I know is that (A) he is in TX; (B) he can't come til June; (C) this ain't TX; and (D) March is two months prior to June. So is it going to just continue to be pure uncut legal hell out there until June? I mean is this guy like the Wyatt Earp of law schools or something? I get the impression that it is like that movie Lean On Me out there except for law schools.
How in hell do you sue someone in federal court, successfully win that lawsuit and then take over a fucking law school without already having the necessary funds in place to run it? That's like begging a woman for sex and then, when she says yes, deciding to masturbate. You can't buy a car without either having all the cash up front or having financing pre-approved. I just can't believe that if children really are our future there are no forms for pre-approving financing when purchasing or taking over a school. Is Whiteny Houston a liar? Crazy crack addict sure, but liar? You can buy a car for as little as a dollar a day on the Southside but Tommy O can't come up with the forms or the $$$ to run the law school he successfully sued for ownership over in federal court? Something just don't jive with the whole "we're getting the money it's just been a paperwork issue" story.
Next plan to save the day, change the name! Maybe no one will remember that the school has had all these problems and that my interim staff just resigned and the school will suddenly become an esteemed center of higher education if I name it after a local political big wig! Can't you just see Jon Lovitz' character that told all the lies on SNL and always said "Yeah, that's the ticket" coming up with this one. I'm not even going to sit hear and say that I don't think the American Justice School of Law wasn't cheesier than hell, but I think I'd be focusing on a little more important things like paying the goddamn bills, making sure I had students to attend my school and getting accredited before I got all hung up in trying to latch onto to some fake sense of credibility by humping the leg of the ghost of a local legend.
And now for something seemingly completely different yet somewhat related.....the Big E still ain't fer sale because Mr. Singh ain't losin' enough money to make him sell! What? Mr. Singh and another Mr. Singh - who may or may know each other - gave an interview to a reporter for the Republican Sun Always Rises this week in which they essentially stated that were happy with owning the Big E. They knew the property was worth a lot of cash and that they had no interest in selling UNLESS the price was right. Well come on down City Commission.....
Singh has probably put some cash into restoring the vintage 70's porno deco style theme of the hotel but you can find most of that stuff for cheap on pornbay. And, as I've stated on numerous occassions before, who cares if he does or does not fix up that lego lookin' monstrosity? Sure it would be better for the City and everyone if he did, but, you know what, he owns it and can do whatever the hell he wants with it. I don't see anyone bitching at whoever owns that building downtown that looks like a three year old plastered it with tiles from a gay man's Scrabble game. The tile looking things are pastel colors and there is no business open in the building. There are all kinds of other buildings that look like hell downtown that have problems but the Shitty Commission isn't on the backs of those owners.
So who is the Big E valuable to? No one except the City of Paducah, quilters and the yearly influx of psychic fair attendees. Of course, they knew that before I even wrote it. Or did they know I wrote this before I ever knew that? Anyway...the hotel itself is not what is valuable, it's the land. Singh has them by the moutain oysters. I bet he got the idea to buy the joint by hearing about how riled up the Commission got when one of its own task forces recommended tearing the thing down. You remember that years ago? Turkey Neck and the Then Shitty Commission paid dough to some guy to study what to do with downtown and he suggested tearing down the joint to build a new hotel. When he suggested that at a meeting, Turkey Neck got all offended. Now, however many years later, that is what the City wants to do. I'll bet dinars to doughnuts that Singh saw that somehow and that's how he got involved. How else would he end up in Paducah?
In either event, the City will try to condemn the property, litigation will insue or they will pay him major duckets for it. In any event, Mr. Singh is going to get his $$$ for the biggest shitty hotel in America. Smart guy. Seems like he and Tommy O share the same theories on running a joint don't they? Maybe they could move the law school to the Big E. Each student could have their own personal classroom. It'd be the only law school in the country with a bar and all you could eat weekend Prime Rib Buffet. I like it.
....I'm just sayin.....
Monday, March 10, 2008
It Ain't So Easy Bein' The Big E and Sleazy
The City of Paducah is "oncet" - Paducah werd - again considering buying the Big Sleazy E because Budipher Singh, the new owner, refuses to cooperate with City, put any cash into the hotel, perform any renovations as promised, promote the convention center or provide the City with financial information.
Everybody's favorite stereotypical Indian gent has certainly made bigger fewls outta our local city government than the former owners of what I use to refer to as the American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center but have now more pleasantly began jingling to as the Pain Management Law School of Paducah and Marion. By the way, could the Indian guy look more like something out of a Looney Toones episode or what? I mean does the towel on his head actually have a ruby in it or am I making that part up because I'm damn sure there are belly dancers and magic carpets in the back ground of every picture if you look closely? The curly cues on the ends of the handlebars of his mustache couldn't be more choice if they were the toes of jester shoes.
Eitherway, as I was saying, those cats that ran the Law Barn and Tractor Depot managed to somehow shuck and jive their way into all that land, buildings and $150,000.00 in salaries per year without actually putting up their own money. If you thought that was more magical than that pill that will make both your weenie stiff AND give you the ability to throw a football through a tire, wait till you hear what Mr. Singh did. He bought a hotel that was sleazy, run down, allowed it to remain sleazy and get even more run down AND he makes our tired ass little city pay him a little stipend every month because his sleazy joint is connected to our city's convention center. I mean god fucking knows our City couldn't do without that square metal building in that strategic location with shitty parking on the wrong side of the floodwall. I can see why they pay him to a monthly fee, especially when you consider the outside entrance is adjancent to the classy neon sign of The Silver Saddle. As a further aside, do you think Dr. Kelley, psychiatrist, moved his office down there as sort of test to see how fucking crazy you are? Meaning if you made an appointment and actually showed up down there you are nuts and you need his help? I would have to think that's what he's getting at because, from what I understand, trolls, for the most part, don't have a lot of psychiatric problems or insurance.
To get back on point, the City pays his cheap ass like $20K a month. He probably steams the stamp off the envelope the check comes in, washes off the postmark and reuses it. They have no control over what he does with the money. They can't make him spend it on improvements or marketing the convention center. Not that there are going to be a lot of conventions that are going to want to come to a joint that is decorated like a 70's porno set. I mean maybe you could book like 70's porno star reunions there or something but I doubt that is going to be a very big market. Well, I guess the "size" of the market is going to depend on who shows up. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
What this fewl did is swoop in and buy the biggest cheap hotel in America for the simple fact of running it into the dirt because he knew Turkey Neck, a/k/a Mayor Gobbler, and The Shitty Commission would bow up and eventually step in, fall for his lack of improvements and buy the joint from him at a profit.
I'm not saying that someone doesn't need to wrangle the Sleazy E away from Sanjay Snuggle (because his towel looks so soft) but I just don't think our peeps in charge need to be the ones in charge of doing it because they've shown a great ineptitude at figgerin' out how to figger out this problem. In the werds of my wife, are you with me? I'm not sayin' we need to call in the Lone Ranger, George Washington or General Custer - well maybe that last one wasn't such a good example - but we need someone other than the peoples we've got or we'll end up getting curry in our cornhole again!
...I'm just sayin.....
Everybody's favorite stereotypical Indian gent has certainly made bigger fewls outta our local city government than the former owners of what I use to refer to as the American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center but have now more pleasantly began jingling to as the Pain Management Law School of Paducah and Marion. By the way, could the Indian guy look more like something out of a Looney Toones episode or what? I mean does the towel on his head actually have a ruby in it or am I making that part up because I'm damn sure there are belly dancers and magic carpets in the back ground of every picture if you look closely? The curly cues on the ends of the handlebars of his mustache couldn't be more choice if they were the toes of jester shoes.
Eitherway, as I was saying, those cats that ran the Law Barn and Tractor Depot managed to somehow shuck and jive their way into all that land, buildings and $150,000.00 in salaries per year without actually putting up their own money. If you thought that was more magical than that pill that will make both your weenie stiff AND give you the ability to throw a football through a tire, wait till you hear what Mr. Singh did. He bought a hotel that was sleazy, run down, allowed it to remain sleazy and get even more run down AND he makes our tired ass little city pay him a little stipend every month because his sleazy joint is connected to our city's convention center. I mean god fucking knows our City couldn't do without that square metal building in that strategic location with shitty parking on the wrong side of the floodwall. I can see why they pay him to a monthly fee, especially when you consider the outside entrance is adjancent to the classy neon sign of The Silver Saddle. As a further aside, do you think Dr. Kelley, psychiatrist, moved his office down there as sort of test to see how fucking crazy you are? Meaning if you made an appointment and actually showed up down there you are nuts and you need his help? I would have to think that's what he's getting at because, from what I understand, trolls, for the most part, don't have a lot of psychiatric problems or insurance.
To get back on point, the City pays his cheap ass like $20K a month. He probably steams the stamp off the envelope the check comes in, washes off the postmark and reuses it. They have no control over what he does with the money. They can't make him spend it on improvements or marketing the convention center. Not that there are going to be a lot of conventions that are going to want to come to a joint that is decorated like a 70's porno set. I mean maybe you could book like 70's porno star reunions there or something but I doubt that is going to be a very big market. Well, I guess the "size" of the market is going to depend on who shows up. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
What this fewl did is swoop in and buy the biggest cheap hotel in America for the simple fact of running it into the dirt because he knew Turkey Neck, a/k/a Mayor Gobbler, and The Shitty Commission would bow up and eventually step in, fall for his lack of improvements and buy the joint from him at a profit.
I'm not saying that someone doesn't need to wrangle the Sleazy E away from Sanjay Snuggle (because his towel looks so soft) but I just don't think our peeps in charge need to be the ones in charge of doing it because they've shown a great ineptitude at figgerin' out how to figger out this problem. In the werds of my wife, are you with me? I'm not sayin' we need to call in the Lone Ranger, George Washington or General Custer - well maybe that last one wasn't such a good example - but we need someone other than the peoples we've got or we'll end up getting curry in our cornhole again!
...I'm just sayin.....
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Throw a whole buch of shit out there and hope some of it sticks!
So, Dr. Merriwether's offer to by the American Eagle School of Law & Tire Center wasn't exercised because, even though he seemed to state he was exercizing it, he didn't exercise it. Then, out of nowhere - much like a Twinkie out of the dark - Dr. Manchicanti (correct spelling optional) swooped win with Tommy O and some as yet unnamed investors and purchased themselves a heavily indebteded school of law.
First thing on the agenda for the new owners? Accrediation? Nah. Get back some of the students you ran off with the mudslinging and the lawsuits? What fer? They bolted for fancy "accredited" lawschools and things called "jobs". Let'm go. Nope. Focus on a name change. According to the Republican Sun Always Rises, one potential name is something like the Alben Barkley School of Law. Not bad. It's an homage to our local big wig and it sounds a helluva a lot cooler than the actual American Justice School of Law. I've always thought that sounds like a show on A & E. Either Bill Curtis - host of the actual A & E show American Justice - should be the dean or the library should be named after him. Maybe he could be the voice on automated line you call and can never get a real person if you call out there to find out they still haven't been accredited. If you're going to be told you've wasted money on an education that will not let you take the bar exam in any state, at least it could come from an award winning journalist and television reporter.
Eitherwho, I think they should embrace the humor of the whole situation that has occurred until they are accredited. The Sally Struthers School of Law has a nice ring to it. Since Dr. Manchicanti is involved, the jingle is already in your head for "The Pain Management Law School of Paducah & Marion". If the ABA doesn't have a since of humor than who cares about that weenie accredidation? O.K., you do, but it would be fun to have some laughs in the process.
Werd on the street is them fewls can't even get student loan companies to lend ducketts to the peeps out there anymore. Have you ever heard of a student loan company not loaning a student money? Those fuckers will loan anyone money for anything because bankrupting that debt is harder than a teenage weenie at 6 a.m. Student Loan Xpress or Sally Mae will lend you dough to complete your master thesis at Barber's College entitled "Mullets: Were they all busines up front?" but they won't give you any money to further your education Tommy O style. Mmmmm. That should tell you all you need to know about the future of that joint. That would be like there not being a Waffle House at every exit in Tennessee. You get my point? They're everywhere for a fucking purpose people! Where was I? They is supposedly dropping tuition and loaning students money themselves via promissory notes until their alleged accredidation. I would make sure that my promise only applied if they got accredidited before I graduated.
What in the hell is a super delegate? Did this delegate get exposed to gamma rays and have the ability to bend shit with their mind? I get this idea of a polling station where you see all these normal people standing in line waiting to vote and then you see this one person mixed in wearing tights, a cape, boots and carrying like a paper, briefcase and a drinking coffee like it is no big deal. Nobody is freaking out though because its an election year and he's a super delegate and he's expected to be there.
The guy that created Dungeons and Dragons died the other day. I never played that game but I watched my galacticly intelligent cousin play it with his friends when I was a children. To know one's surprise this occurred in a basement. I always remember hearing the stories about how parents should keep their kids from playing the game because it was evil and it promoted devil worship or whatever but I simply thought it was "gay" - as was the saying of the times - or simply not cool. And by that I mean it required imigination and didn't have video graphics, chicks didn't dig it and, at the time I was exposed to it, I didn't dig chicks because, at 8, I merely believed in Transformers (The toys, not gender confused people), baseball and Nintendo. Thinking that a game involving cards, a board and dice made your kid evil takes more imagination than your evil kid ever had. That's a parent burying their inattentive head up their ass until their kid does something bad and then, when their cleaning up their room, blaiming it on the first weird thing they find. Dungeons and Dragons was craps for white nerds. That guy was a genius. He should be applauded and missed. He was a true innovator.
Toucan's has purty tasty fair. Eye dun tasted me the burger at lunch at the Yardbird Georgia for dinner. Boned up with onion rings with both. Service was the same cat on both angles. Nice guy. Oddly, lunch ambiance was lower than night time. At night, you almost need sunblock with a moderately high SPF due to the brightness of the lights. Price was fair. To be clear, service and food was good. It is strange to be in the Old Fungal Flower where I swilled so many a swill to now be sitting underneath plastic tropical vinery. You kind of feel like you're in Jimmy Buffett's outhouse. I do dig the joint though. I had deuce margaritas at dinner. Very tasty.
Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I'm startin' to get scaret from all the snow that alleged to start fallin' hear shortly. I'll get back at ye. Palabra.
....I'm just sayin'......
First thing on the agenda for the new owners? Accrediation? Nah. Get back some of the students you ran off with the mudslinging and the lawsuits? What fer? They bolted for fancy "accredited" lawschools and things called "jobs". Let'm go. Nope. Focus on a name change. According to the Republican Sun Always Rises, one potential name is something like the Alben Barkley School of Law. Not bad. It's an homage to our local big wig and it sounds a helluva a lot cooler than the actual American Justice School of Law. I've always thought that sounds like a show on A & E. Either Bill Curtis - host of the actual A & E show American Justice - should be the dean or the library should be named after him. Maybe he could be the voice on automated line you call and can never get a real person if you call out there to find out they still haven't been accredited. If you're going to be told you've wasted money on an education that will not let you take the bar exam in any state, at least it could come from an award winning journalist and television reporter.
Eitherwho, I think they should embrace the humor of the whole situation that has occurred until they are accredited. The Sally Struthers School of Law has a nice ring to it. Since Dr. Manchicanti is involved, the jingle is already in your head for "The Pain Management Law School of Paducah & Marion". If the ABA doesn't have a since of humor than who cares about that weenie accredidation? O.K., you do, but it would be fun to have some laughs in the process.
Werd on the street is them fewls can't even get student loan companies to lend ducketts to the peeps out there anymore. Have you ever heard of a student loan company not loaning a student money? Those fuckers will loan anyone money for anything because bankrupting that debt is harder than a teenage weenie at 6 a.m. Student Loan Xpress or Sally Mae will lend you dough to complete your master thesis at Barber's College entitled "Mullets: Were they all busines up front?" but they won't give you any money to further your education Tommy O style. Mmmmm. That should tell you all you need to know about the future of that joint. That would be like there not being a Waffle House at every exit in Tennessee. You get my point? They're everywhere for a fucking purpose people! Where was I? They is supposedly dropping tuition and loaning students money themselves via promissory notes until their alleged accredidation. I would make sure that my promise only applied if they got accredidited before I graduated.
What in the hell is a super delegate? Did this delegate get exposed to gamma rays and have the ability to bend shit with their mind? I get this idea of a polling station where you see all these normal people standing in line waiting to vote and then you see this one person mixed in wearing tights, a cape, boots and carrying like a paper, briefcase and a drinking coffee like it is no big deal. Nobody is freaking out though because its an election year and he's a super delegate and he's expected to be there.
The guy that created Dungeons and Dragons died the other day. I never played that game but I watched my galacticly intelligent cousin play it with his friends when I was a children. To know one's surprise this occurred in a basement. I always remember hearing the stories about how parents should keep their kids from playing the game because it was evil and it promoted devil worship or whatever but I simply thought it was "gay" - as was the saying of the times - or simply not cool. And by that I mean it required imigination and didn't have video graphics, chicks didn't dig it and, at the time I was exposed to it, I didn't dig chicks because, at 8, I merely believed in Transformers (The toys, not gender confused people), baseball and Nintendo. Thinking that a game involving cards, a board and dice made your kid evil takes more imagination than your evil kid ever had. That's a parent burying their inattentive head up their ass until their kid does something bad and then, when their cleaning up their room, blaiming it on the first weird thing they find. Dungeons and Dragons was craps for white nerds. That guy was a genius. He should be applauded and missed. He was a true innovator.
Toucan's has purty tasty fair. Eye dun tasted me the burger at lunch at the Yardbird Georgia for dinner. Boned up with onion rings with both. Service was the same cat on both angles. Nice guy. Oddly, lunch ambiance was lower than night time. At night, you almost need sunblock with a moderately high SPF due to the brightness of the lights. Price was fair. To be clear, service and food was good. It is strange to be in the Old Fungal Flower where I swilled so many a swill to now be sitting underneath plastic tropical vinery. You kind of feel like you're in Jimmy Buffett's outhouse. I do dig the joint though. I had deuce margaritas at dinner. Very tasty.
Well, it's almost 10:00 p.m. and I'm startin' to get scaret from all the snow that alleged to start fallin' hear shortly. I'll get back at ye. Palabra.
....I'm just sayin'......
Sunday, February 24, 2008
IT'S OSCAR SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!
I'm not even really juiced over the Oscars, I just wanted to type out a "monster truck promotion event" themed line in my title. You don't often get to say the day of the week three times in one sentence and I highly recommend ingressing on that egress if you ever step in that stink. Even I don't know what that mint. Why do those motorcross and monster truck type people always scream the day of the week three times when they're telling you when and where they're going to hick it up at? I mean, I sometimes transpose a digit or two when writing down a phone number (or playing with dyslexic fingercuffs) but are people that are interested in that type of stuff so lacking in calendar skills that they have to have the day on which it occurs verbally seared into their brain like some kind of cattle brand? I mean for the love Jell-O, last I chequed (English spelling) there's only one Sunday on the calendar to choose from and it only happens once a week and, oddly enough, the day it happens on? You guessed it. It's called Sunday. I guess the trick isn't remembering where your hardhat with beerholders is, where your "America loves guns, trucks, beer and babes" t-shirt is, or where you saved up all your "xtree" nacho money, it's on what day do you need to get all this shit together.
Eitherway, back to the Oscars. I dew dig me some Jon Stewart. Saw him for free once when I was in college. The local cable access company in Lex Vegas had cancelled comedy central. Oh yeah, I went to college back in the Dark Ages of comedy before South Park, The Daily Show, and the show that funny black guy had and got all angried up over and quit. It was called the mid-1990's people. Freaky. Eitherwho, somehow, Mr. Stewart got brought to UK's campus and, if you signed a petition saying that you wanted comedy central back on local cable, you got to see his concert for free. Jeff Garland also performed. He's that big fat dude on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don't watch that show, but I think Jeff Garland is funny and his stand up was tasty. Jon Stewart was on the cusp of his bigness at the time. He had just released a stand up special on HBO that was funny and he basically rehashed that act, but he was good. Garland did more local humor making fun of things he saw in Lex Vegas. They were both good and, apparently, enough signatures were finagled, because we got out comedy central back.
I could careless what in the hell anyone wears to the Oscars. If I were to go to the Oscars, I would wear a nice suit, but I think I'd have to show up have liquored up. How do you go to something like that without having some cocktails? All those big wigs, all those peoples who normally chase Brittney taking the day off to take pictures of you? That's a lot of pressure.
I always find the shows that dissect what the people where amazing. I mean, I don't think there is anything covered and analyzed more than Breaking Weather or a major football game. I am surprised the Oscars coverage doesn't employ somekind of Vera Wang Radar where Melissa Rivers breaks onto your screen in front of footage of certain star wearing a dress and then proceed to explain how a "Fashion front has moved in from the south and appears to be headed in a classy and elegant direction and, barring any encounters with a drunken Russell Crowe or pasta, we expect to see this continue throughout the evening." I expect to Ryan Seacrest with a telestrator explaining why Steven Speilberg's three step shimmy past Tom Hanks, who were both wearing fabulous numbers by Armani, will go down in Oscar lore as averting a sprained ankle that could have cost one of them an extra trip to the salad bar.
I have no clue from wherest this came. I just stepped back and let it flow. Werd.
I'm just sayin......
Eitherway, back to the Oscars. I dew dig me some Jon Stewart. Saw him for free once when I was in college. The local cable access company in Lex Vegas had cancelled comedy central. Oh yeah, I went to college back in the Dark Ages of comedy before South Park, The Daily Show, and the show that funny black guy had and got all angried up over and quit. It was called the mid-1990's people. Freaky. Eitherwho, somehow, Mr. Stewart got brought to UK's campus and, if you signed a petition saying that you wanted comedy central back on local cable, you got to see his concert for free. Jeff Garland also performed. He's that big fat dude on Curb Your Enthusiasm. I don't watch that show, but I think Jeff Garland is funny and his stand up was tasty. Jon Stewart was on the cusp of his bigness at the time. He had just released a stand up special on HBO that was funny and he basically rehashed that act, but he was good. Garland did more local humor making fun of things he saw in Lex Vegas. They were both good and, apparently, enough signatures were finagled, because we got out comedy central back.
I could careless what in the hell anyone wears to the Oscars. If I were to go to the Oscars, I would wear a nice suit, but I think I'd have to show up have liquored up. How do you go to something like that without having some cocktails? All those big wigs, all those peoples who normally chase Brittney taking the day off to take pictures of you? That's a lot of pressure.
I always find the shows that dissect what the people where amazing. I mean, I don't think there is anything covered and analyzed more than Breaking Weather or a major football game. I am surprised the Oscars coverage doesn't employ somekind of Vera Wang Radar where Melissa Rivers breaks onto your screen in front of footage of certain star wearing a dress and then proceed to explain how a "Fashion front has moved in from the south and appears to be headed in a classy and elegant direction and, barring any encounters with a drunken Russell Crowe or pasta, we expect to see this continue throughout the evening." I expect to Ryan Seacrest with a telestrator explaining why Steven Speilberg's three step shimmy past Tom Hanks, who were both wearing fabulous numbers by Armani, will go down in Oscar lore as averting a sprained ankle that could have cost one of them an extra trip to the salad bar.
I have no clue from wherest this came. I just stepped back and let it flow. Werd.
I'm just sayin......
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