The Pain Management Law School & Tire Center of Paducah and Marion annouced the other day that it is going out of business as of December 31st. Dr. Manchaconti - my fauxnetic spelling - said his reasons for closing down the pillshop, law barn and tire emporium were due to the mismanagement of the previous owners and the negative reputation that the school could not escape from being legally entwined with its former incarnation.
Apparently, Dr. M was surprised by the fact that merely throwing cash at a Sally Struther's University type institution, changing a couple of professors and changing the name of the school would not solve the problem. I mean, who would have thunk that a place that was allegedly run as shittily as that joint couldn't be merely saved by renaming it after a local political hero, hiring a new dean and then letting a physician be the owner of the law school? They didn't even move the joint out of the old building. They weren't even trying to break with the old image. Dr. M and his administration - which mysteriously included Tommy O who was one of the fewls in the administration that ran the first incarnation into the legal dirt in the first place - simply thought they could jump in, throw Dr. M's $$$ at the problem and solve it all. Or, Dr. M needed a tax break and new this whole thing was going to hell in KASPERbasket and just shoved some extra dilaudid dough towards it instead of giving it to Uncle Sam.
You can't tell me that a cat who is as successfull in business as him couldn't see that Law Barn and Streudel Stop wasn't going to make it. They had ten students this past semester. In their press release, Dean Putt said they are going to help all their current students get into other schools. What schools would those be? Barber or clown colleges? All the students that could go anywhere else did. These students aren't bad people. In fact, they are victims. They fell for the original owners bullshit that they could get the joint off the ground and accredited within time for them to graduate with a full fledged law degree. And, in hindsight, those cats may have been able to do it because, while they were doing shady shit - holding loan money and such - they kept that joint open longer than Dr. M and his boys and they had more than 10 students as semester. However, these students should have seen that Dr. M and his bunch were fuller of shit than the colon removed from Pelvis during his autopsy because they weren't doing anything different other than gussing the place up a bit. Mr. Goodwrench may have accredited that joint after seeing all the physical improvements to the building, but the ABA wasn't simply going to think that all the problems were solved simply because the landscaping looked nice and the inside of the building was remodled. After going through that goofy lawsuit, Dr. Merriwhether threatening to get his "doctor on" and buy the joint and all that shit, they should have seen this wasn't going to work. Plus, as I said earlier, all the legit students were bolting for real bonafied schools, where they had like ABA seals of approval on the door. On top of all that, with all the shadiness going on with the Big E and the quilt show, these people should have been able to see that Paducah attracts this type of scandal and bullshit and you should take off running anytime the local or city governments are involved and wanting to give people money and large incentive packages to do something. They were also abused by people wanting there money and not stepping up to the legal plate and telling them they didn't have what it took to become a lawyer. Long story longer, my point is, if these 10 remaining students couldn't figure all this out, I don't know that they've got what it takes to be a lawyer.
And another thing. The Big E has been sold and the paperwork has been signed and all that is left to do is to close the deal. A deal that has taken this long and been more drawn out than pee out of an 80 year old penis, and they haven't closed it in over a week? You think there is something going on here? Mayor Turkey Neck talking about Space Ghost maybe not getting loans AFTER the deal is closed? Had to be sold by October 1st to start renovations to save the Quilt Show. It's October 23rd. The deadline keeps getting ignored just like the actual closing.
Where is Ronnie James hotel? Wasn't he going to start construction on the that sombitch like a month or so ago? Don't you love how our local media don't follow up on anything.
Have you seen Richard Abraham's billboard on Park Ave.? Is it me or does it look like him and all those people behind him are threatening you to vote for him for City Commission?
....I'm just sayin......
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Unlike Paxton Media Group, I will comment on personnel decissions and I haven't been blogging because I fired myself.
Paula Bridges, the good looking classy black chic on the news, recently disappeared for about a week. When the local "not Paxton affiliated media" got a holt of the story, i.e. WKYX, they ran with it and the right wing loonies that chat on their message board went nuts with theories that were more conspiracy based then the origins of the Turducken (I mean think about it people. You telling me the government wasn't involved with the combinining of a fucking chicken, duck and turkey with stuffing? Yeah, like some non-government affiliated fewl is going to have the technology or resources to pull that off without laser beams and gamma rays.). They apparently called the head Paxton to ax where our cities version of Oprah went and all they would merely say was that they don't comment on personnel decisions. While they weren't commenting on personnel decisions they were editing her out of their promotional videos that ran on television. Funny thing also was they ran a story with a picture of her in their own newspaper about how they wouldn't comment on their personnel decision the following day. I mean the Republican Sun Also Rises running a story about nuthing is nuthing new. It happens on a daily basis. Have you read Dusty Luthy's columns? They are so sparse in knowledge calling them colums is offensive. They should be called "storzies" or something else ridiculous. Calling that thing a paper is also giving it more credit than it is due. Pamphlet would be more appropriate. Does that guy Steve Vantreese think he is writing for the animals he is covering? I mean, I know his stuff is in the Outdoor section, but I swear, his stuff is so hilljack I expect every other word to be "snort", "chew", "sniff", or "slurp". They are also notorious for fucking up stories as well. One of my best friends from high school named Robbie Robertson played in a tennis tournament last weekend. I followed his progress during the weekend and I knew he made it to the finals but when they listed him as losing to a Murray State player they named him Ronny Robertson. Couldn't you just type that and tell that was wrong? Unless your writing a review of that DeNiro movie, Ronnin I think it was, how in the hell don't you know that motherfucker's name wasn't Ronny Robertson? I mean, if nothing else, you'd think the guy would have had a copy of Music From Big Pink lying around to clue him in.
Anywho, back to Paxton Media Group. What kind of fewls run a story about refusing to talk about the whereabouts of an employee? It was like their equivalent of putting Ms. Bridges on the back of a milk carton. Maybe they didn't know where she was and they were asking for the public's help in finding her. A subsequent story on WKYX indicated that Paxton Media Group wouldn't talk about the firing of news director Griff Potter. Griff, however, let it all hang out and denied being fired and stated that he still thought he had a job with the Paxtons. Then, about a week later, Ms. Bridges shows back up to work and apparently Griff no longer works there. The Paxtons did not comment on Ms. Bridges coming back or the non-return of the Griffster. Weird shit.
All the while Bhupy still has not thrown in his towel and sold the E. He still has the City Commission and the Quilters firmly by the Big E. Allegedly, according to Bhupy himself, a deal was reached about 3 weeks ago and just had to be put in writing and be signed. If you'll remember, Turkey Neck said the only way to save next year's Blue Hair Influx, a/k/a Quilt Show, would be if the E was sold and renovations started by October 1st. Well, by my math it is October 12th. Unless the part of the deal they are still negotiating is what date to set the time machine back to, it ain't looking purty.
Since all this has been going on the Paducah Police have also executed a search warrant at the E seizing (not me, I'm fine thanks) computers because they are looking into whether or not Bhupy finagled room deposits for the BHI (see above) and did not send back dough to those that he may have overbooked their rooms. They also allege they he may have not put this dough into a separate bank account. In other words, the Paducah Police allege Bhupy is doing the same thing the airline industry does on a daily basis but for some reason when he does it its criminal. I think they have also missed the part that it is impossible for him to steal until the people who's money he allegedly took for rooms show up at the appointed date and time and ask for the rooms and don't get a room. Funny thing is, and what our local dunder heads are not reporting, Turkey Neck's main honkey Bill Parson's was running the E when all this allegedly went down so he could very well be responsible for the TWA'ing, if you will, of the rooms.
The Cops are also looking into some former E-ployees who say they sent checks in to continue their health insurance after they ended their E-ployment but their insurance was cancelled because their payments never got their. Once again, Billy P was running the E at this time but it seems everyone is quick to blame the seemingly evil Indian guy with the turbin who looks like a Looney Tunes character. Admittedly, I can see where they can come up with that, but it seems as though there are some other obvious persons of interest in this situation.
So, as the E Turns, it sits down there with parts of it falling off. The foundation is cracking. The days keeping going by like diaphrams not preventing pregnancies after a night out at the Silver Saddle. Yet, these self imposed deadlines keep getting pushed back and everything is still allegedly going to be fine for BHI '09. I mean, if you buy into all that bullshit, just drive down to the E and look at it and ask yourself, what major hotel chain is going to want to have their name slapped onto this piece of shit? Admittedly, it is only going to be after it is remodled but when I went down there to check it out last week, I saw a joint that was so seedy and delapidated there were rats packing up their shit and moving. If they don't start remodeling it soon, it may fall down. Without water and electricity, I bet there is enough mold in that joint to make as much penicillin and blue cheese as a fat salad-eatin son of a bitch with an infection could stand. And another thing, if Bhupy was worried about getting a mortgage on the property, what does that tell you? It tells you that Parsons and Green don't have the 9 million in cash to buy the hell hole from Bhupy. If they don't have all the dinars to buy it from Bhupy, where are they going to get the ducketts to do the rest of this shit? Mark my words, I think Spaceghost Management or whatever the hell it is is shadier than Bhupy himself. The Bhupster is a cheap bastard just out to make a buck. Well, about 4 million bucks. As I've said on numerous occasions, he bought the worlds shittiest hotel and has proceeded to run it into the dirt and has used it as leverage against the Shity Commission against the BHI to up its value. Evil but good business. I think Bill Parsons and his Space Ghost Management firm had something to do with all this shit going south to put pressure on Bhupy to sell the E and/or to get a more favorable price. Parsons was using his position inside the E to tighten Buphy's towel, so to speak. I mean, splain to me how in the fuck Space Ghost Hospitality don't have a written contract to manage that joint when Parsons owns or operates other hotels? Yeah, write.
Well, I've gots to get some shut eye. It is good to be back. I only rehired myself because I couldn't afford to hire someone to do this for me any cheaper than what I paid myself to do it. That is my comment on my extended absence. Maybe I'll take an ad out on someone else's blog.
.....I'm just sayin'......
Anywho, back to Paxton Media Group. What kind of fewls run a story about refusing to talk about the whereabouts of an employee? It was like their equivalent of putting Ms. Bridges on the back of a milk carton. Maybe they didn't know where she was and they were asking for the public's help in finding her. A subsequent story on WKYX indicated that Paxton Media Group wouldn't talk about the firing of news director Griff Potter. Griff, however, let it all hang out and denied being fired and stated that he still thought he had a job with the Paxtons. Then, about a week later, Ms. Bridges shows back up to work and apparently Griff no longer works there. The Paxtons did not comment on Ms. Bridges coming back or the non-return of the Griffster. Weird shit.
All the while Bhupy still has not thrown in his towel and sold the E. He still has the City Commission and the Quilters firmly by the Big E. Allegedly, according to Bhupy himself, a deal was reached about 3 weeks ago and just had to be put in writing and be signed. If you'll remember, Turkey Neck said the only way to save next year's Blue Hair Influx, a/k/a Quilt Show, would be if the E was sold and renovations started by October 1st. Well, by my math it is October 12th. Unless the part of the deal they are still negotiating is what date to set the time machine back to, it ain't looking purty.
Since all this has been going on the Paducah Police have also executed a search warrant at the E seizing (not me, I'm fine thanks) computers because they are looking into whether or not Bhupy finagled room deposits for the BHI (see above) and did not send back dough to those that he may have overbooked their rooms. They also allege they he may have not put this dough into a separate bank account. In other words, the Paducah Police allege Bhupy is doing the same thing the airline industry does on a daily basis but for some reason when he does it its criminal. I think they have also missed the part that it is impossible for him to steal until the people who's money he allegedly took for rooms show up at the appointed date and time and ask for the rooms and don't get a room. Funny thing is, and what our local dunder heads are not reporting, Turkey Neck's main honkey Bill Parson's was running the E when all this allegedly went down so he could very well be responsible for the TWA'ing, if you will, of the rooms.
The Cops are also looking into some former E-ployees who say they sent checks in to continue their health insurance after they ended their E-ployment but their insurance was cancelled because their payments never got their. Once again, Billy P was running the E at this time but it seems everyone is quick to blame the seemingly evil Indian guy with the turbin who looks like a Looney Tunes character. Admittedly, I can see where they can come up with that, but it seems as though there are some other obvious persons of interest in this situation.
So, as the E Turns, it sits down there with parts of it falling off. The foundation is cracking. The days keeping going by like diaphrams not preventing pregnancies after a night out at the Silver Saddle. Yet, these self imposed deadlines keep getting pushed back and everything is still allegedly going to be fine for BHI '09. I mean, if you buy into all that bullshit, just drive down to the E and look at it and ask yourself, what major hotel chain is going to want to have their name slapped onto this piece of shit? Admittedly, it is only going to be after it is remodled but when I went down there to check it out last week, I saw a joint that was so seedy and delapidated there were rats packing up their shit and moving. If they don't start remodeling it soon, it may fall down. Without water and electricity, I bet there is enough mold in that joint to make as much penicillin and blue cheese as a fat salad-eatin son of a bitch with an infection could stand. And another thing, if Bhupy was worried about getting a mortgage on the property, what does that tell you? It tells you that Parsons and Green don't have the 9 million in cash to buy the hell hole from Bhupy. If they don't have all the dinars to buy it from Bhupy, where are they going to get the ducketts to do the rest of this shit? Mark my words, I think Spaceghost Management or whatever the hell it is is shadier than Bhupy himself. The Bhupster is a cheap bastard just out to make a buck. Well, about 4 million bucks. As I've said on numerous occasions, he bought the worlds shittiest hotel and has proceeded to run it into the dirt and has used it as leverage against the Shity Commission against the BHI to up its value. Evil but good business. I think Bill Parsons and his Space Ghost Management firm had something to do with all this shit going south to put pressure on Bhupy to sell the E and/or to get a more favorable price. Parsons was using his position inside the E to tighten Buphy's towel, so to speak. I mean, splain to me how in the fuck Space Ghost Hospitality don't have a written contract to manage that joint when Parsons owns or operates other hotels? Yeah, write.
Well, I've gots to get some shut eye. It is good to be back. I only rehired myself because I couldn't afford to hire someone to do this for me any cheaper than what I paid myself to do it. That is my comment on my extended absence. Maybe I'll take an ad out on someone else's blog.
.....I'm just sayin'......
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sarah Palin didn't want no part of that bridge to nowhere but can you chip in on a bridge loan so we can keep the quilters around for another year?
John McCain picked the hot school marm chinook (I don't even know what that word means but I think it is a nickname for Alaskans. But, if it isn't, I mint it to be.) Governor of Alaska as his running mate for vice president. She's been Governor since 2006. She's known John McCain since about last week. He clearly only picked her to try to sway the evangelical vote and all Hillary supporters that have stated that would not support Obama prior to his winning the nomination and after his not selecting her as his running mate. I'm not saying the woman is not a viable candidate, I mean she's the governor of a state for christ's sake. But, let's be honest hear. If John McCain wanted to really pick a woman candidate there were others out there that he wasn't going to have to "vet" and that he already knew. For instance, there is that highly intelligent black chic with a name that sounds like a cheap and quick meal idea in the oval office. What's her name? Condolezza Rice I believe?
Now, Palin has been the VP candidate for like a weak and a half and the media has already begun to torture her over the fact that her one apparently large breasted teenage daugter is pregnant. I don't think that is fair because, as the previous sentence points out, there are two very obvious reasons as to how that situation came about. How her daughter doing the nasty and getting knocked up effects her ability to essentially be a political figure head I have no fucking idea. I mean, what the hell? I far more worried that we may elect a crazy fucking 71 one year old nut who said we're going to be in Iraq for 100 years than some woman who may have to wipe baby spit off her sholder before she takes the reins if the 71 year old guy keels over.
As for Joe Biden, all I know about him is that I have no fucking clue about him. He is apparently boring because no one covered his speeches as much as they did hers or I have remembered some shit about him. He's got some bad hair. He's allegedly big on foreign policy and that is why he was picked. His son is attorney general of somewhere and is going to Iraq. Other than that, I couldn't tell ye.
Now back to the more controversial, because she's a hot, allegedly inexperienced "chic"......
All this shit about her not being able to be V.P. and a mom because she's got all the chitlins is bullshit to. I mean her daughter would have been gettin' it just the same if she had been a stay at home mom. That had nothing to do with it. If she had been V.P. it just would have mint a secret service guy would have had to listen to it. She can be an excellent and V.P. No one ever raises questions as to whether guys can be good dads and good presidents or V.P.'s so they shouldn't do it to her.
Now, the interesting thing with her is the son with down syndrome. She's made a big deal out how she'll be a champion for children with disabilities. According to something I saw, while in office, she's actually cut funding for special education while in office as governor of Alaska. Now obviously, that may have occurred before her son was born. However, I think some fewls in the media need to be jumping her arse for those comments and question the shit out of her for making them and ask her to justify them if the numbers CNN threw out there was the true.
Once again, Joe Biden, boring. Bad hair but Donald Trump's is worse and he's not running for president and won't be debating against him.
In one of his post "look at the hot chic I picked" speeches McCain told the anecdote about Palin selling the Alaskan Governor's jet on ebay for a profit. Bullshit. She did sell it. But not on ebay. She sold it to a private investor. At a loss. I mean this guy will fucking do anything to get elected. I have no idea why politicians tell lies that are so goddamn easy to prove are false. I mean CNN ferreted that one out quicker than an actual one out of Richard Gere's rectum. Palin is also bragging about how she told Congress to gargle her ovaries on the famed "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska. This was the bridge that was going to replace the ferry that goes between Ketchikan Island and Gravina Islands in Alaska and it was going to cost a mere $400 million bucks. There is an internation airport on Ketchikan Island for those of you keeping score at home. In reality, Mrs. Palin was all about the money for Nowhere to go to somwehere in her state until the uproar about it in the rest of the country and then she became governor and then she became anti- Bridge to Nowehere.
Speaking of bridges, have you been keeping up with the lastest on the saga of the Sleazy E? Apparently Tom Green and Space Ghost don't have any type of legal agreement with Buphy to really run the Sleazy E and now they have thrown down the turbin and told him either he sells or they are out? Mayor Turkey Neck is trying to meat with an investor who he will not name - which is surprising because up until today's Republican Sun Always Rises he's spilled the last minute beans- to get a bridge loan to finance a feasibility study to get a brand name thrown on the hotel?
Wasn't all of this shit sposetuh have been taken care of back in fucking April when the quilt show was allegedly saved from the grasps of that other interloper then with whatever agreement these motherfuckers apparently didn't have? The Republican Sun Also Rises reported the other day that the cats from Space Ghost operations or whatever it is called didn't have a written agreement with Buphy. Are they exchanging swatch guards up in this trailer as proof they agree on shit? No matter how shitty the Sleazy E is, I can't believe you would have anything to do with a guy so cheap that his turbin is made from a towel he stole from his own hotel without getting it in writing but no, our fucking Mayor Turkey Neck somehow found these cats. The story said they had an agreement to buy the joint but when it was put in writing Bupy wouldn't sign it. I guess we'll see where that will go.
And, of all things, hurricane season is effecting this shit now. Mayor Turkey Neck was going to meat with this private Bridge to a Quilt Show investor but, allegedly, Hurricane Ike and Tina stopped him from showing up. I mean, its one thing if our homegrown idiocy causes us to lose the quilt show, but now mother nature is conspiring against us as well. Mother nature could help us out and have Hurricane Ike and Tina leave a good job in city and destroy the Sleazy E. That would save us all the worry about all these goddamn bridge loans and all this shit.
....I'm just sayin'......
Now, Palin has been the VP candidate for like a weak and a half and the media has already begun to torture her over the fact that her one apparently large breasted teenage daugter is pregnant. I don't think that is fair because, as the previous sentence points out, there are two very obvious reasons as to how that situation came about. How her daughter doing the nasty and getting knocked up effects her ability to essentially be a political figure head I have no fucking idea. I mean, what the hell? I far more worried that we may elect a crazy fucking 71 one year old nut who said we're going to be in Iraq for 100 years than some woman who may have to wipe baby spit off her sholder before she takes the reins if the 71 year old guy keels over.
As for Joe Biden, all I know about him is that I have no fucking clue about him. He is apparently boring because no one covered his speeches as much as they did hers or I have remembered some shit about him. He's got some bad hair. He's allegedly big on foreign policy and that is why he was picked. His son is attorney general of somewhere and is going to Iraq. Other than that, I couldn't tell ye.
Now back to the more controversial, because she's a hot, allegedly inexperienced "chic"......
All this shit about her not being able to be V.P. and a mom because she's got all the chitlins is bullshit to. I mean her daughter would have been gettin' it just the same if she had been a stay at home mom. That had nothing to do with it. If she had been V.P. it just would have mint a secret service guy would have had to listen to it. She can be an excellent and V.P. No one ever raises questions as to whether guys can be good dads and good presidents or V.P.'s so they shouldn't do it to her.
Now, the interesting thing with her is the son with down syndrome. She's made a big deal out how she'll be a champion for children with disabilities. According to something I saw, while in office, she's actually cut funding for special education while in office as governor of Alaska. Now obviously, that may have occurred before her son was born. However, I think some fewls in the media need to be jumping her arse for those comments and question the shit out of her for making them and ask her to justify them if the numbers CNN threw out there was the true.
Once again, Joe Biden, boring. Bad hair but Donald Trump's is worse and he's not running for president and won't be debating against him.
In one of his post "look at the hot chic I picked" speeches McCain told the anecdote about Palin selling the Alaskan Governor's jet on ebay for a profit. Bullshit. She did sell it. But not on ebay. She sold it to a private investor. At a loss. I mean this guy will fucking do anything to get elected. I have no idea why politicians tell lies that are so goddamn easy to prove are false. I mean CNN ferreted that one out quicker than an actual one out of Richard Gere's rectum. Palin is also bragging about how she told Congress to gargle her ovaries on the famed "Bridge to Nowhere" in Alaska. This was the bridge that was going to replace the ferry that goes between Ketchikan Island and Gravina Islands in Alaska and it was going to cost a mere $400 million bucks. There is an internation airport on Ketchikan Island for those of you keeping score at home. In reality, Mrs. Palin was all about the money for Nowhere to go to somwehere in her state until the uproar about it in the rest of the country and then she became governor and then she became anti- Bridge to Nowehere.
Speaking of bridges, have you been keeping up with the lastest on the saga of the Sleazy E? Apparently Tom Green and Space Ghost don't have any type of legal agreement with Buphy to really run the Sleazy E and now they have thrown down the turbin and told him either he sells or they are out? Mayor Turkey Neck is trying to meat with an investor who he will not name - which is surprising because up until today's Republican Sun Always Rises he's spilled the last minute beans- to get a bridge loan to finance a feasibility study to get a brand name thrown on the hotel?
Wasn't all of this shit sposetuh have been taken care of back in fucking April when the quilt show was allegedly saved from the grasps of that other interloper then with whatever agreement these motherfuckers apparently didn't have? The Republican Sun Also Rises reported the other day that the cats from Space Ghost operations or whatever it is called didn't have a written agreement with Buphy. Are they exchanging swatch guards up in this trailer as proof they agree on shit? No matter how shitty the Sleazy E is, I can't believe you would have anything to do with a guy so cheap that his turbin is made from a towel he stole from his own hotel without getting it in writing but no, our fucking Mayor Turkey Neck somehow found these cats. The story said they had an agreement to buy the joint but when it was put in writing Bupy wouldn't sign it. I guess we'll see where that will go.
And, of all things, hurricane season is effecting this shit now. Mayor Turkey Neck was going to meat with this private Bridge to a Quilt Show investor but, allegedly, Hurricane Ike and Tina stopped him from showing up. I mean, its one thing if our homegrown idiocy causes us to lose the quilt show, but now mother nature is conspiring against us as well. Mother nature could help us out and have Hurricane Ike and Tina leave a good job in city and destroy the Sleazy E. That would save us all the worry about all these goddamn bridge loans and all this shit.
....I'm just sayin'......
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Advertisement ain't nuthin' but 100% lie and, if you don't belive it, F Youk!
F YOUK! Is what a shirt that I bought outside Yankee Stadium says. If you don't know what that means you probably have never been cussed or have never cussed anyone. And, on a secondary level, you apparently don't understand the Boston Red Sox v. Yankees rivalry. Kevin Youklis is the catcher for the Red Sox. Fuck is a cuss word. Y O U is yourself. Put it together. Get it? The shirt is a ringer T, so to speak, white with a red collar and red cuffs. Pretty tasty. It's written in gothic kind of writing to class up the innuendo of the whole scenario as if the F-Bomb could be classed up. I guess that's why they went with a ringer T as opposed to just a normal T cause that wouldn't have done it justice.
The Bronx is a fucking hell whole. Rougher than your butt whole after eating brillo covered corn. There are bags of trash piled up on the side of the street. There was a brand new tire on the sidewalk near our hotel. Sure, it was like a new spare tire for LeCar, but it was a new tire nonetheless. They had a store in one of the neighborhood's we walked through going to the Stadium called "Kennedy's Fried Chicken and Pizza". Who do you think that was a rip off of? I was surprised the goateed's one's peep's hadn't been down to this joint and sprayed a fucking restraining order on the front of his metal protector things. It was even a pink color and was similar to the Colonel in style. If the motherfucker had boneless slice of pizza I would have felt a need to turn the son of a bitch in myself as a Kentuckian but, alas, it was 9:30 a.m. and there was a 1:00 p.m start and I needed a beer and I had a couple of more blocks to walk.
We're staying a place a mile from Yankee Stadium and the cab ride back the first night was $30 bucks. No shit. How ridiculous. The guy running our hotel told us it was safe to walk during the day but not at night. We walked the first day. Cabbed the night back. The Yankees lost that night. Second night the Yankees lost. Got their ass kicked. As we were leaving, the first cabbie we approached offered us a ride for $50. We politely told him to kiss our ass. The second cabbie acted like he had never heard of the Howard Johnson Inn @ Yankee Stadium, which would be akin to saying you had never heard of the that big shitty hotel they will never start renovating for the quilt fest in Paducah. While he stuttered around and acted like he had never heard of the joint to come up with an astronomical price to quote us, we walked off and decided - in our anger over seeing our team get their ass kicked again for the second consecutive night - to brave the gauntlet and to walk back to our prison like hotel . My dad and I quickly came up with a system. If anyone approached us, we would ask no questions, we would simply kick their fucking ass. It was his 60th birthday and we were going to put everything the Nuns taught him during his Catholic School beatings to use.
We walked past the new Yankee Stadium and down the incredibly broken up sidewalk and past the projects. Projects doesn't really seem like the right word because it seems like a word describing where families alllegedly live should give some kind of hope and, if you could see these places, you would say the only things they projected was fear and poverty. I swear they should have had an endless track of Pelvis' song In The Ghetto playing in the Bronx. At the very leasty they should have had Cartman from Southpark singing it. Whoever wrote that song must have been talking about that fucking joint. I mean, that place was so poor, I could see people playing poker with Spam up in that motherfucker. Anyway, we passed a closed Chinese restaraunt that I do have a picture of called Dong King. No shit. The first day I saw it, I thought it was something owned by the big, finger-in-the-socket-do-having-boxing promoter guy. But no. It's a closed down Chinese food joint that seemingly would have attracted a lot of size queens. Werd.
Back to us walking through the Valley of Darkness. There were several encounters with people that looked at us funny but they pretty much just let us pass. Some of them said "Fuck the Yankees". We never had to bow up. We stopped in a convenient store. It was actually a Quick Market but it was convenient to us. We bought some 24 ounce swills in bottles to drink when we got back to our prison and for protection. As my dad said, "If you ginged someone in the coconut with a 24, you get the double pleasure of seeing them hit the ground and still getting to drink the beer. Always carry an opener." Adrenaline and a taste for the drink are quite a powerful thing when combined in more than moderation. When you run through the jungle, run with more than two 24's as we always say.
As dangerous as it is here, there is a fucking police station right next to our hotel! No shit! The BXTF is right next door! When I saw BXTF I expected fucking Aquaman to show up or someone on a fancy bike to jump a ramp and do a flip or something and give me a ticket for not putting my hair gel in a goddman ziplock bag. BXTF sounds impressive. Cops are everywhere near Yankee Stadium. Sure, the hog presence is kewl but you still definitely feel that just outside in this general vinicinity lurks some unruliness that could be untamed into your ass being finagled at any minute if you were put in the wong sityashun if you weren't careful, i.e. drank to many swills at the game and did not keep your shit together.
Mixed drinks cost $10.50 at Yankee Stadium. Is there some kind of liquor tax in NY that I'm unaware of? Did some Indians throw whiskey into the fucking Hudson river that the federal government is still trying to tax us back for? How in the hell does a drink go from $2.75 to $10.50 from KY to NY? I mean I realize there is a lot of real estate between there and hear (remember I'm writing hear, not there [there meaning KY] ) but how in the wholly hell can there be that big of a fucking difference in the price of a goddamn gurgle burger between the lines? You know the government is so worried about the price of health care, minimum wage laws, social security and the war in Iraq when they should be looking at the price of swill in New York. Fuck the price of gas. Look at how much a drinks costs up in this trailer! I want a Senate Commission with Ted Kenneday appointed. I bet that fewl will be all about investigating some of this shit. He'll be hands on as a motherfucker. There will be a bunch of "fact finding" "on sight" inspections into many of the city's watering holes to see why such inflated prices are being inflicted on "interstate commerce participants". You could almost afford to drive from NYC to Paducah for the difference in the price of gas. Fat Moe's should maybe start to advertise in the the New York Times. Just an idea.
Barak is giving a purty good speech write now. You know what is funny about him? One of the criticisms about him is that he is too eloquent. How in the wholly fuck can you be too eloquent? Can you explain something too well? Can you understand something too well? For instance, can you write too much of a right answer on an essay exam? I mean that is one of that dumbest fucking things - much less a criticism of someone I've ever fucking heard. That's like saying he's too smart or his dick is too big. Yeah, those are both problems any man wouldn't want to have. The Republican Party is fucking stretching to come up with some way to come up with something to say about Obama other than calling him the N word. That's the fucking truth. They can't do it. That son of a bitch is smart. He's intelligent. He has good idea's. He's the political Pepsi to their Coke and he has them freaked out and George W's eight years of mis Q's have set him up for a victory.
HOWEVER, Angry Johnny McCain and galactically rich beer distributing wife is making up ground. He is in a dead heat with BO. It's BO v. JM. We've got to stop the rich honkey without the clue as to how many houses he owns (see recent response to question from the media) from continuing this hell we've endured since the end of the tenure of the end of the fat blow job getting cat from Arkansas from winning the election.
Let's get something else out in the open. Who gives a fuck that John McCain is a war hero! I mean, I do in terms of what he did for the country because he deserves praise for that and we, as a country should always be grateful, but that does not mean he should be president. He won medals for that shit. He gets a fucking pension. He was paid and continues to get paid for that. He is an American hero. No doubt about that. Custer was a great American. That didn't mean he should have been President. It is this simple. If you want another 4 years of GWB vote for John McCain. If you want our equivalent of Custer to be President, vote forMcCain.
......I'm just sayin'........
The Bronx is a fucking hell whole. Rougher than your butt whole after eating brillo covered corn. There are bags of trash piled up on the side of the street. There was a brand new tire on the sidewalk near our hotel. Sure, it was like a new spare tire for LeCar, but it was a new tire nonetheless. They had a store in one of the neighborhood's we walked through going to the Stadium called "Kennedy's Fried Chicken and Pizza". Who do you think that was a rip off of? I was surprised the goateed's one's peep's hadn't been down to this joint and sprayed a fucking restraining order on the front of his metal protector things. It was even a pink color and was similar to the Colonel in style. If the motherfucker had boneless slice of pizza I would have felt a need to turn the son of a bitch in myself as a Kentuckian but, alas, it was 9:30 a.m. and there was a 1:00 p.m start and I needed a beer and I had a couple of more blocks to walk.
We're staying a place a mile from Yankee Stadium and the cab ride back the first night was $30 bucks. No shit. How ridiculous. The guy running our hotel told us it was safe to walk during the day but not at night. We walked the first day. Cabbed the night back. The Yankees lost that night. Second night the Yankees lost. Got their ass kicked. As we were leaving, the first cabbie we approached offered us a ride for $50. We politely told him to kiss our ass. The second cabbie acted like he had never heard of the Howard Johnson Inn @ Yankee Stadium, which would be akin to saying you had never heard of the that big shitty hotel they will never start renovating for the quilt fest in Paducah. While he stuttered around and acted like he had never heard of the joint to come up with an astronomical price to quote us, we walked off and decided - in our anger over seeing our team get their ass kicked again for the second consecutive night - to brave the gauntlet and to walk back to our prison like hotel . My dad and I quickly came up with a system. If anyone approached us, we would ask no questions, we would simply kick their fucking ass. It was his 60th birthday and we were going to put everything the Nuns taught him during his Catholic School beatings to use.
We walked past the new Yankee Stadium and down the incredibly broken up sidewalk and past the projects. Projects doesn't really seem like the right word because it seems like a word describing where families alllegedly live should give some kind of hope and, if you could see these places, you would say the only things they projected was fear and poverty. I swear they should have had an endless track of Pelvis' song In The Ghetto playing in the Bronx. At the very leasty they should have had Cartman from Southpark singing it. Whoever wrote that song must have been talking about that fucking joint. I mean, that place was so poor, I could see people playing poker with Spam up in that motherfucker. Anyway, we passed a closed Chinese restaraunt that I do have a picture of called Dong King. No shit. The first day I saw it, I thought it was something owned by the big, finger-in-the-socket-do-having-boxing promoter guy. But no. It's a closed down Chinese food joint that seemingly would have attracted a lot of size queens. Werd.
Back to us walking through the Valley of Darkness. There were several encounters with people that looked at us funny but they pretty much just let us pass. Some of them said "Fuck the Yankees". We never had to bow up. We stopped in a convenient store. It was actually a Quick Market but it was convenient to us. We bought some 24 ounce swills in bottles to drink when we got back to our prison and for protection. As my dad said, "If you ginged someone in the coconut with a 24, you get the double pleasure of seeing them hit the ground and still getting to drink the beer. Always carry an opener." Adrenaline and a taste for the drink are quite a powerful thing when combined in more than moderation. When you run through the jungle, run with more than two 24's as we always say.
As dangerous as it is here, there is a fucking police station right next to our hotel! No shit! The BXTF is right next door! When I saw BXTF I expected fucking Aquaman to show up or someone on a fancy bike to jump a ramp and do a flip or something and give me a ticket for not putting my hair gel in a goddman ziplock bag. BXTF sounds impressive. Cops are everywhere near Yankee Stadium. Sure, the hog presence is kewl but you still definitely feel that just outside in this general vinicinity lurks some unruliness that could be untamed into your ass being finagled at any minute if you were put in the wong sityashun if you weren't careful, i.e. drank to many swills at the game and did not keep your shit together.
Mixed drinks cost $10.50 at Yankee Stadium. Is there some kind of liquor tax in NY that I'm unaware of? Did some Indians throw whiskey into the fucking Hudson river that the federal government is still trying to tax us back for? How in the hell does a drink go from $2.75 to $10.50 from KY to NY? I mean I realize there is a lot of real estate between there and hear (remember I'm writing hear, not there [there meaning KY] ) but how in the wholly hell can there be that big of a fucking difference in the price of a goddamn gurgle burger between the lines? You know the government is so worried about the price of health care, minimum wage laws, social security and the war in Iraq when they should be looking at the price of swill in New York. Fuck the price of gas. Look at how much a drinks costs up in this trailer! I want a Senate Commission with Ted Kenneday appointed. I bet that fewl will be all about investigating some of this shit. He'll be hands on as a motherfucker. There will be a bunch of "fact finding" "on sight" inspections into many of the city's watering holes to see why such inflated prices are being inflicted on "interstate commerce participants". You could almost afford to drive from NYC to Paducah for the difference in the price of gas. Fat Moe's should maybe start to advertise in the the New York Times. Just an idea.
Barak is giving a purty good speech write now. You know what is funny about him? One of the criticisms about him is that he is too eloquent. How in the wholly fuck can you be too eloquent? Can you explain something too well? Can you understand something too well? For instance, can you write too much of a right answer on an essay exam? I mean that is one of that dumbest fucking things - much less a criticism of someone I've ever fucking heard. That's like saying he's too smart or his dick is too big. Yeah, those are both problems any man wouldn't want to have. The Republican Party is fucking stretching to come up with some way to come up with something to say about Obama other than calling him the N word. That's the fucking truth. They can't do it. That son of a bitch is smart. He's intelligent. He has good idea's. He's the political Pepsi to their Coke and he has them freaked out and George W's eight years of mis Q's have set him up for a victory.
HOWEVER, Angry Johnny McCain and galactically rich beer distributing wife is making up ground. He is in a dead heat with BO. It's BO v. JM. We've got to stop the rich honkey without the clue as to how many houses he owns (see recent response to question from the media) from continuing this hell we've endured since the end of the tenure of the end of the fat blow job getting cat from Arkansas from winning the election.
Let's get something else out in the open. Who gives a fuck that John McCain is a war hero! I mean, I do in terms of what he did for the country because he deserves praise for that and we, as a country should always be grateful, but that does not mean he should be president. He won medals for that shit. He gets a fucking pension. He was paid and continues to get paid for that. He is an American hero. No doubt about that. Custer was a great American. That didn't mean he should have been President. It is this simple. If you want another 4 years of GWB vote for John McCain. If you want our equivalent of Custer to be President, vote forMcCain.
......I'm just sayin'........
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Things we've learnt in the Big City
The Hojo Inn @ Yankee Stadium just looks likes a maximum security prison on the outside but on the inside it is quite minimum security friendly.
A Maker's Mark and diet coke and a Yeungling costs $16.00 bucks at a swill shop across the street from the Stadium.
A one mile cab ride from the Stadium after the Yankees get their ass kicked by the Red Sox back to your medium security prison costs $30.00 bucks.
A Yankees Cheese Hero sandwhich with Beef at the Yankee Tavern is a big ass sandwhich that is essentially a side of beef, with onions and velveeta and it is bigger than your ass. The fries are not good and should be avoided. The ambiance is all looney Yankees fans so that is tasty but the food is more subpar than Joe Pepitone's batting average.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bronx is not all bunkers, barb wire and people shooting at each other. Mind you, we have seen our fair share of projects, empty swill bottles, trash, hoochies, hoodlums, alleged miscreants and whatnots and whathaveyes, but all the fans at the Stadium have been very nice. They all been exteremly nice to us when they discovered our hick origins. Funny thing was, when the warden - excuse me - proprietor of hotel saw us walking to the Stadium, he said, "Walk straight that way. Take a cab back." We followed his advice of course. But, in the stadium though, it wasn't a ton of cussing and screaming or really even a bunch of fools harassing the Red Sox fans. It was really a kinder gentler breed of Yankee Fan. Sure, there were people selling and wearing shirts that said "Bawston Sawks Cawk" and the back stated that someone swallowed but, other than that - and a shirt with a Red Sox with a penis for a nose - I saw no real aggession.
Well, that is the first update from the Woad. It's beer thirty and me pop's 60th birthday. We're doing Monument Park and buying souveniers and all that jazz today. Werd up.
....I'm just sayin....
A Maker's Mark and diet coke and a Yeungling costs $16.00 bucks at a swill shop across the street from the Stadium.
A one mile cab ride from the Stadium after the Yankees get their ass kicked by the Red Sox back to your medium security prison costs $30.00 bucks.
A Yankees Cheese Hero sandwhich with Beef at the Yankee Tavern is a big ass sandwhich that is essentially a side of beef, with onions and velveeta and it is bigger than your ass. The fries are not good and should be avoided. The ambiance is all looney Yankees fans so that is tasty but the food is more subpar than Joe Pepitone's batting average.
Contrary to popular belief, the Bronx is not all bunkers, barb wire and people shooting at each other. Mind you, we have seen our fair share of projects, empty swill bottles, trash, hoochies, hoodlums, alleged miscreants and whatnots and whathaveyes, but all the fans at the Stadium have been very nice. They all been exteremly nice to us when they discovered our hick origins. Funny thing was, when the warden - excuse me - proprietor of hotel saw us walking to the Stadium, he said, "Walk straight that way. Take a cab back." We followed his advice of course. But, in the stadium though, it wasn't a ton of cussing and screaming or really even a bunch of fools harassing the Red Sox fans. It was really a kinder gentler breed of Yankee Fan. Sure, there were people selling and wearing shirts that said "Bawston Sawks Cawk" and the back stated that someone swallowed but, other than that - and a shirt with a Red Sox with a penis for a nose - I saw no real aggession.
Well, that is the first update from the Woad. It's beer thirty and me pop's 60th birthday. We're doing Monument Park and buying souveniers and all that jazz today. Werd up.
....I'm just sayin....
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Stand, sit, kneel and I need more cow bell!
As you may have figgered if you've ever read anything I've ever written on this hear blog, I didn't growed up round no religion. Or, as my pops likes to say, I'm unchurched.
This fact was never more evident than the other day when I about lost my gourd during the funeral of one of yet another one of my uncle's named Joseph. You see my dad had nine brother's and one sister. 8 of the ten weenie-haver's were named in honor of He Who Got None. The lone "split tail" - as redneck's like to say - in the group was named Mary. My fucking dad's family should have had a show on Fox called When Catholicism Attacks.
I couldn't get up and tear out at any point during the mass at the church because I was in the first stink row and I was a paw bear or however you spell it. I took the honor of throwing my uncle in a hole seriously, but the rest of it I just don't fucking get. First of all, when we walked into the joint, the geezer who looked deader than Scorpion (my uncle's nickname), was walking in front of his box carrying a huge cross. I thought for a minute we were renacting a scene from Raiders of the Lost Arc. One of my cousin's son's was wearing what appeared to be a white potato sack with strategically cut holes for his head and arms in it with a rather stylish lime green rope belt that seems to be all the rage for young 10 year old Catholic boys. He's apparently an alter boy. Now, I could digress into a rant about the ramifications of what that may or may not mean but I saw no evidence that Father Pete O'phelia had been fooling around his rectory, if you know what I'm sayin. As for the guy that was apparently on the Masters Tour for Alter Boys, I have no clue what that was all about. He stood there the whole service and helped my second cousin fetch an astonishing array of religious paraphernalia. Huge ass bronze paddles, a silver plated thing with incence in it, some fancy ass bronze wine glasses, some big bowl things with some rather dainty crackers and stick that had a ball on the end that slung water. With all this shit, you could almost envision a priest standing on a street corner outside of Catholic churches asking people if they needed anything after mass and then opening their coats to give them a fix. That or opening their coats to show them wearing nuthing but a collar and a hard-on. See, I just can't get away from the sex scandal.
Anyway, back to the funeral. There was an actual choir singing in the upper deck behind the pews. That was kind of weird. They were belting out the appropriate tunes in response to what Father Chris preached. I've never been to a funeral with a live band. I mean no one yelled out "Freebird" or anything but it was strange. At the end, out of nowhere, unannounced, some guy belted out "Wind Beneath My Wings". I about cracked up. The guy's voice was cheezy to say the least. I kept thinking Bette Midler in drag had shown up at Cut's (yet another nickname) funeral and had decided to liven things up. I got over it once I realized one of my cousin's who I really admire asked that that song be sung in honor of his dad. Otherwise, the yuck factor was high.
I think Catholics invinted step aerobics. What the fuck is the deal with all the standing, sitting and knealing? I thought that extra little bar thing with the pad in front of the pew was a foot rest. Then everyone kept getting up and kneeling on it. Then sitting down. Then kneeling again. They should hand out programs to the unchurched like me before you go to one of these things. Hell, they should almost make you take a physical. There were some old bastards in the back that I didn't think were going to make it with all the chanting about hailing cabs, excuse me, Mary's and kneeling, and then praising the Eucharist tree or whatever it is. What's with all that chanting? I felt like a Moose at an Elk's Lodge meeting. I mean even my dad remembered some of the chants from the days when he use to get beat for not eating all his lunch and repeated some of them for old punches-to-the-nose-from-a-nun's-sake.
And then you got your priest. Father Chris was his name. He was from New York. Once again, you wonder, how did he end up in this tiny town in KY? He would start sentences like, "Were hear today because we're missing someone, but we'll get to that later." He was all about glossing over stuff. He had a northern accent and his tongue smacked his front teeth when he talked. While the choir was belting out songs, he sat in this big wooden chair and appeared to sleep. After the mass and service, several of my family members remarked how great he was because of how fast it all went. Body Mass came in at just under an hour and by all accounts that is miraculous. Praise jesus!
While the service was going on - I almost forgot - there was one point when Fr. Chris was reading from some black book. I can't remember its name. Uh, um...... oh yeah, I think its called the Bible. Anyway, he was reading from "The Bible" and when he read a certain passage, out of nowhere, unannounced, a fucking bell rang. I immediately looked up and wondered if a train was coming threw or someone had ordered Rice-a-Roni. I saw no train tracks and I did not see any waiter so I just thought my Topamax had misfired and I let it go. Everyone sat back down, kneeled again, stood, sat, knealed, sat, stood, sat, back to standing and we were knealing again. Some more chanting. They really should have beer tenders or soda jockeys at these things too. A fewl could make serious ducketts selling concessions during Catholic services. Call it Masscessions. Anyway, Fr. Chris went back to explaining that we were going to spend different amounts of time in purgatory - which led me to believe I need to open a liquor store there - and that's when I heard that goddamn bell again. But that time I saw my mathematical cousin ring it. He quickly put it up and bowed his head like a good altered little boy after doing so and like nothing had ever happened. I looked around to see if this freaked anyone else out and no one else seemed even startled by this event. I couldn't help but to think that I had been placed in the real life funeral version of the Christopher Walken SNL "I Need More Cowbell" Blue Oyster Cult Skit.
What in the holly hell does a fucking bell have to do with Jesus? I mean, unless he ever stood out in the cold in Jerusalem and collected $$$ for the Salvation Army (If he did, it truly would have been the Salvation Army.) I doubt he ever had anything to do with a bell. I'm not saying the Catholics have any of it wrong I just don't understand all the rituals and all the paraphernalia and gadgets they invovle in their beliefs. Either you believe in God or you don't. Cut out all the bullshit and just believe. I think this is why Catholics drink so much is because they're subjected to these long ass services and all that standing, sitting and knealing. The drinking is the one part of Catholicism I agree with.
On a lighter note, my uncle was a skinny dude and he was not hard to lift. We were joking that we could have cornholed him at the cemetary and, if we did with three tosses we should have gotten the funeral free. He was a good guy who loved his wife and children and he fought off emphesyma for years and was ready to give it up. As he went from the coronary care unit to the room where he died after he told them he just didn't want to feel any pain any more he gave my other uncle's a thumbs up and stuck his tongue out at his kids. He died like a man. That's the way to go out.
I also learned that the real name of my cousin Cut Bait is John Paul. Thank god. I could just see being on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the final question being, "What is the real name of your first cousin Cut Bait" and not knowing it and not having any lifelines left. That would have sucked. For the record, he is the son of my dad's youngest brother - yes, the last Joseph - and he is less than 1/2 my age and his dad and my dad are not that close. I'm not as big of an asshole as I seem for not knowing that answer. I promise to give him some of my winnings because I now feel guilty.
...I'm just sayin.....
This fact was never more evident than the other day when I about lost my gourd during the funeral of one of yet another one of my uncle's named Joseph. You see my dad had nine brother's and one sister. 8 of the ten weenie-haver's were named in honor of He Who Got None. The lone "split tail" - as redneck's like to say - in the group was named Mary. My fucking dad's family should have had a show on Fox called When Catholicism Attacks.
I couldn't get up and tear out at any point during the mass at the church because I was in the first stink row and I was a paw bear or however you spell it. I took the honor of throwing my uncle in a hole seriously, but the rest of it I just don't fucking get. First of all, when we walked into the joint, the geezer who looked deader than Scorpion (my uncle's nickname), was walking in front of his box carrying a huge cross. I thought for a minute we were renacting a scene from Raiders of the Lost Arc. One of my cousin's son's was wearing what appeared to be a white potato sack with strategically cut holes for his head and arms in it with a rather stylish lime green rope belt that seems to be all the rage for young 10 year old Catholic boys. He's apparently an alter boy. Now, I could digress into a rant about the ramifications of what that may or may not mean but I saw no evidence that Father Pete O'phelia had been fooling around his rectory, if you know what I'm sayin. As for the guy that was apparently on the Masters Tour for Alter Boys, I have no clue what that was all about. He stood there the whole service and helped my second cousin fetch an astonishing array of religious paraphernalia. Huge ass bronze paddles, a silver plated thing with incence in it, some fancy ass bronze wine glasses, some big bowl things with some rather dainty crackers and stick that had a ball on the end that slung water. With all this shit, you could almost envision a priest standing on a street corner outside of Catholic churches asking people if they needed anything after mass and then opening their coats to give them a fix. That or opening their coats to show them wearing nuthing but a collar and a hard-on. See, I just can't get away from the sex scandal.
Anyway, back to the funeral. There was an actual choir singing in the upper deck behind the pews. That was kind of weird. They were belting out the appropriate tunes in response to what Father Chris preached. I've never been to a funeral with a live band. I mean no one yelled out "Freebird" or anything but it was strange. At the end, out of nowhere, unannounced, some guy belted out "Wind Beneath My Wings". I about cracked up. The guy's voice was cheezy to say the least. I kept thinking Bette Midler in drag had shown up at Cut's (yet another nickname) funeral and had decided to liven things up. I got over it once I realized one of my cousin's who I really admire asked that that song be sung in honor of his dad. Otherwise, the yuck factor was high.
I think Catholics invinted step aerobics. What the fuck is the deal with all the standing, sitting and knealing? I thought that extra little bar thing with the pad in front of the pew was a foot rest. Then everyone kept getting up and kneeling on it. Then sitting down. Then kneeling again. They should hand out programs to the unchurched like me before you go to one of these things. Hell, they should almost make you take a physical. There were some old bastards in the back that I didn't think were going to make it with all the chanting about hailing cabs, excuse me, Mary's and kneeling, and then praising the Eucharist tree or whatever it is. What's with all that chanting? I felt like a Moose at an Elk's Lodge meeting. I mean even my dad remembered some of the chants from the days when he use to get beat for not eating all his lunch and repeated some of them for old punches-to-the-nose-from-a-nun's-sake.
And then you got your priest. Father Chris was his name. He was from New York. Once again, you wonder, how did he end up in this tiny town in KY? He would start sentences like, "Were hear today because we're missing someone, but we'll get to that later." He was all about glossing over stuff. He had a northern accent and his tongue smacked his front teeth when he talked. While the choir was belting out songs, he sat in this big wooden chair and appeared to sleep. After the mass and service, several of my family members remarked how great he was because of how fast it all went. Body Mass came in at just under an hour and by all accounts that is miraculous. Praise jesus!
While the service was going on - I almost forgot - there was one point when Fr. Chris was reading from some black book. I can't remember its name. Uh, um...... oh yeah, I think its called the Bible. Anyway, he was reading from "The Bible" and when he read a certain passage, out of nowhere, unannounced, a fucking bell rang. I immediately looked up and wondered if a train was coming threw or someone had ordered Rice-a-Roni. I saw no train tracks and I did not see any waiter so I just thought my Topamax had misfired and I let it go. Everyone sat back down, kneeled again, stood, sat, knealed, sat, stood, sat, back to standing and we were knealing again. Some more chanting. They really should have beer tenders or soda jockeys at these things too. A fewl could make serious ducketts selling concessions during Catholic services. Call it Masscessions. Anyway, Fr. Chris went back to explaining that we were going to spend different amounts of time in purgatory - which led me to believe I need to open a liquor store there - and that's when I heard that goddamn bell again. But that time I saw my mathematical cousin ring it. He quickly put it up and bowed his head like a good altered little boy after doing so and like nothing had ever happened. I looked around to see if this freaked anyone else out and no one else seemed even startled by this event. I couldn't help but to think that I had been placed in the real life funeral version of the Christopher Walken SNL "I Need More Cowbell" Blue Oyster Cult Skit.
What in the holly hell does a fucking bell have to do with Jesus? I mean, unless he ever stood out in the cold in Jerusalem and collected $$$ for the Salvation Army (If he did, it truly would have been the Salvation Army.) I doubt he ever had anything to do with a bell. I'm not saying the Catholics have any of it wrong I just don't understand all the rituals and all the paraphernalia and gadgets they invovle in their beliefs. Either you believe in God or you don't. Cut out all the bullshit and just believe. I think this is why Catholics drink so much is because they're subjected to these long ass services and all that standing, sitting and knealing. The drinking is the one part of Catholicism I agree with.
On a lighter note, my uncle was a skinny dude and he was not hard to lift. We were joking that we could have cornholed him at the cemetary and, if we did with three tosses we should have gotten the funeral free. He was a good guy who loved his wife and children and he fought off emphesyma for years and was ready to give it up. As he went from the coronary care unit to the room where he died after he told them he just didn't want to feel any pain any more he gave my other uncle's a thumbs up and stuck his tongue out at his kids. He died like a man. That's the way to go out.
I also learned that the real name of my cousin Cut Bait is John Paul. Thank god. I could just see being on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and the final question being, "What is the real name of your first cousin Cut Bait" and not knowing it and not having any lifelines left. That would have sucked. For the record, he is the son of my dad's youngest brother - yes, the last Joseph - and he is less than 1/2 my age and his dad and my dad are not that close. I'm not as big of an asshole as I seem for not knowing that answer. I promise to give him some of my winnings because I now feel guilty.
...I'm just sayin.....
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I've been gone longer than a 10 inch hard on with Alzheimer's!
I've been busier than a beaver running a brothel lately. I must be horny because that's a helluva of a lot of sex references in the first two lines of my return to blogging. Maybe I should got blog myself before I continue writing to get over it and clear my mind since my wife is running errands. I wonder if I'm the first person ever to substitute the word blog for mastrubation? Can that be trademarked? And now to leave you wondering whether I followed through on that previous threat.......
Well childrens, a lot has happened since I last speculated on any local hypotenuses with you. Sure that stick-skinny mulatto is running for head honcho in charge (I chose those werds carefully) against that shorty stumpy angry former POW - incidentily every time I see that typed when talking about him I think I've been thrown into one of the 60's episodes of Batman. He should run ads "Golly gee willicurs, you've got to vote for McCain America. He's a veteran. POW!". - who wants to keep us in Iraq until the camels come home, but, on a local level all kinds of shiite has transgressed. Paducah Police Chief Randy Bratton quit after all his underlings gave him a vote of no confidence. Interestingly enough, all of them who had previously bitched that he had been too harsh voted they had no confidence in him because they said he had recently become too soft on people. Flacidity is another word I just thought up if it hadn't been already. Everyone straighten out your index finger and slowly bring it down. You get the point. After six or seven years His Hardness apparently went softer than the 80 year old at the pharmacy past closing begging for an advance on his Levitra script. I have no idear whether that is true or not, I just find it nuts that all those cats publicly stated they found him to be too soft. I would have just stuck with the whole he is a dick theory. I guess it doesn't matter in the end because apparently the City Commission was going to actually ball-up and fire His Hardness otherwise he would not have resigned without having antoher job already in place. How do you know he didn't have another job already in place and was going to be fired? Like all other City/County good ole boy shady "resignations" that should really be firings in this town he got a severance package. His Hardness got something like 6 months pay for bolting. I think the terms were something along the lines of 1. Do no work. 2. Leave Paducah. 3. Answer the phone if we call to ask you if you've left Paducah. 4. If someone ask you if you're a "consultant" to the Paducah Police Department or the City Commission, say "yes". Then, even though he was usurped by his own men and the only fewls in the whole mix that liked him were Turkey Neck Paxton and Zumwalt, they gave His Hardness a going away gala at City Hall! My sources have not told me what the attendance was like but I'm sure it was sparse.
As for finding his heir apparent, what did the City Commission do? Yep, you guessed it! They hired someone to help them hire someone! Nothing says competence like admitting you have no idea who is qualified to run your City's Police Department! They immediatly decided that the guys that told them His Hardness was no longer the man and should be told to hit the road were not good enough. Seems strange since those guys apparently had enough sway to push the City Commission to put the screws to His Hardnes. See Above. I have no clue why our City Commission always has this fucking desire to be metrosexual and hire someone to tell them what to do or go outside of our local ranks to find someone to do something when we may have people write here that can do the job. I find it hard to believe that Danny Carroll couldn't run the Paducah Police Dept. but they didn't even give him a chance. They immediately decided to look elsewhere. Then, when looking for an "interim chief" Turkey Neck wanted to hire someone other than who the rest of the Commission wanted to hire - former Asst. Chief Sandy Joselyn - and when she got the job he told her he wanted someone else. What the fuck is that? Why say that shit? She got the job and he's slighting her to her face because his candidate didn't get it. Seems the guys I know at the PD are cool with her as interim chief. Turkey Neck is a nut. That was just straight up classlessness.
Brian Furgeuson was burglarizin more houses than Santa Claus except he was takin shit except leaving presents. He kept getting away and a manhunt was on for like three days. He was breakin news like crazy. The funniest part of the story is, when he was eventually caught, he was in......GRAVES COUNTY! No, weight, that wasn't the punch line. Oh, I forgot. The most amazing part of the story was, when he was caught in Graves County - that much was true - he was caught in the back of local Amish scofflaw Jacob Geingrich's buggy going at a very low rate of speed without a fucking triangle warning symbol! Ole JG apparently was playing an Amish non-showering fruitcake barn-building version of Al Cowlings to Furguson's non-murdering yet still very dangerous honkey fugitive O.J. JG - as I've taken to calling him - is one of the members of that miltant (I just call it that) Amish sect (I added that too) in Graves County that refuse to display the flourescent triangle on their buggies because it is a wordly symbol and it violates their beliefs. In the Republican Sun Also Rises, he said his version of OJ came out of a field and was dirty and asked for a ride. He was riding down the rode, looked down at his copy of the paper, saw his picture and realized he had Ferguson in the back. He then motioned to police he was in the back and Ferguson gave up. What I'm wondering is, why were the police so close to JG? I've got this visual of the police like driving really slow behind JG's buggy following him as if they were just waiting to pull him over for the no triangle display thing and they lucked into this. I guess they were looking for Ferguson in the neighborhood. What I also don't get is how a newspaper couldn't also be considered "too wordly" if a triangle symbol on your buggy would be? I mean hell, the Republican Sun Also Rises exposes you to crazy shit like all those chiropractor adds talking about "spine-med therapy", those infertility ads with the osterich with the head in the sand and their editorial page. That's nuttier than an Amish fruitcake. The stuff in the paper could send an good ole Amish Boy like JG astray. I'm worried about him. Constantly breaking the law. Always in court. Hanging out with riff raff like Brian Ferguson. Someone needs to talk to him. He needs an Amish intervention.
Finally, did you seen Ferguson's picture in the paper this week when they ran a story about the additional charges he's now facing in McCracken County? I mean, he ain't a bad looking guy, but I swear whoever the jailer was who took that picture let him pose. He was turned slightly sideways, his head was cocked to the left, he had gel in his hair, a white shirt on and he had this half smirk on his face. The picture was also taken farther away then a normal mug shot, he was slightly bent over, but you could still see the markers showing how tall he was in the background. It looked like a memeber of a boyband got arrested. It was looked like the cover of an album called "N'SYNC 5 TO 10". If you can get on goole and or the Republican Sun Also Rises and look it up, I highly recommend it. It's a great picture. It is from this past week. Great stuff.
Well, the wife is hear and I've got to unload groceries. I'll get back at ye later hopefully to keep at this. Werd.
...I'm just sayin....
Well childrens, a lot has happened since I last speculated on any local hypotenuses with you. Sure that stick-skinny mulatto is running for head honcho in charge (I chose those werds carefully) against that shorty stumpy angry former POW - incidentily every time I see that typed when talking about him I think I've been thrown into one of the 60's episodes of Batman. He should run ads "Golly gee willicurs, you've got to vote for McCain America. He's a veteran. POW!". - who wants to keep us in Iraq until the camels come home, but, on a local level all kinds of shiite has transgressed. Paducah Police Chief Randy Bratton quit after all his underlings gave him a vote of no confidence. Interestingly enough, all of them who had previously bitched that he had been too harsh voted they had no confidence in him because they said he had recently become too soft on people. Flacidity is another word I just thought up if it hadn't been already. Everyone straighten out your index finger and slowly bring it down. You get the point. After six or seven years His Hardness apparently went softer than the 80 year old at the pharmacy past closing begging for an advance on his Levitra script. I have no idear whether that is true or not, I just find it nuts that all those cats publicly stated they found him to be too soft. I would have just stuck with the whole he is a dick theory. I guess it doesn't matter in the end because apparently the City Commission was going to actually ball-up and fire His Hardness otherwise he would not have resigned without having antoher job already in place. How do you know he didn't have another job already in place and was going to be fired? Like all other City/County good ole boy shady "resignations" that should really be firings in this town he got a severance package. His Hardness got something like 6 months pay for bolting. I think the terms were something along the lines of 1. Do no work. 2. Leave Paducah. 3. Answer the phone if we call to ask you if you've left Paducah. 4. If someone ask you if you're a "consultant" to the Paducah Police Department or the City Commission, say "yes". Then, even though he was usurped by his own men and the only fewls in the whole mix that liked him were Turkey Neck Paxton and Zumwalt, they gave His Hardness a going away gala at City Hall! My sources have not told me what the attendance was like but I'm sure it was sparse.
As for finding his heir apparent, what did the City Commission do? Yep, you guessed it! They hired someone to help them hire someone! Nothing says competence like admitting you have no idea who is qualified to run your City's Police Department! They immediatly decided that the guys that told them His Hardness was no longer the man and should be told to hit the road were not good enough. Seems strange since those guys apparently had enough sway to push the City Commission to put the screws to His Hardnes. See Above. I have no clue why our City Commission always has this fucking desire to be metrosexual and hire someone to tell them what to do or go outside of our local ranks to find someone to do something when we may have people write here that can do the job. I find it hard to believe that Danny Carroll couldn't run the Paducah Police Dept. but they didn't even give him a chance. They immediately decided to look elsewhere. Then, when looking for an "interim chief" Turkey Neck wanted to hire someone other than who the rest of the Commission wanted to hire - former Asst. Chief Sandy Joselyn - and when she got the job he told her he wanted someone else. What the fuck is that? Why say that shit? She got the job and he's slighting her to her face because his candidate didn't get it. Seems the guys I know at the PD are cool with her as interim chief. Turkey Neck is a nut. That was just straight up classlessness.
Brian Furgeuson was burglarizin more houses than Santa Claus except he was takin shit except leaving presents. He kept getting away and a manhunt was on for like three days. He was breakin news like crazy. The funniest part of the story is, when he was eventually caught, he was in......GRAVES COUNTY! No, weight, that wasn't the punch line. Oh, I forgot. The most amazing part of the story was, when he was caught in Graves County - that much was true - he was caught in the back of local Amish scofflaw Jacob Geingrich's buggy going at a very low rate of speed without a fucking triangle warning symbol! Ole JG apparently was playing an Amish non-showering fruitcake barn-building version of Al Cowlings to Furguson's non-murdering yet still very dangerous honkey fugitive O.J. JG - as I've taken to calling him - is one of the members of that miltant (I just call it that) Amish sect (I added that too) in Graves County that refuse to display the flourescent triangle on their buggies because it is a wordly symbol and it violates their beliefs. In the Republican Sun Also Rises, he said his version of OJ came out of a field and was dirty and asked for a ride. He was riding down the rode, looked down at his copy of the paper, saw his picture and realized he had Ferguson in the back. He then motioned to police he was in the back and Ferguson gave up. What I'm wondering is, why were the police so close to JG? I've got this visual of the police like driving really slow behind JG's buggy following him as if they were just waiting to pull him over for the no triangle display thing and they lucked into this. I guess they were looking for Ferguson in the neighborhood. What I also don't get is how a newspaper couldn't also be considered "too wordly" if a triangle symbol on your buggy would be? I mean hell, the Republican Sun Also Rises exposes you to crazy shit like all those chiropractor adds talking about "spine-med therapy", those infertility ads with the osterich with the head in the sand and their editorial page. That's nuttier than an Amish fruitcake. The stuff in the paper could send an good ole Amish Boy like JG astray. I'm worried about him. Constantly breaking the law. Always in court. Hanging out with riff raff like Brian Ferguson. Someone needs to talk to him. He needs an Amish intervention.
Finally, did you seen Ferguson's picture in the paper this week when they ran a story about the additional charges he's now facing in McCracken County? I mean, he ain't a bad looking guy, but I swear whoever the jailer was who took that picture let him pose. He was turned slightly sideways, his head was cocked to the left, he had gel in his hair, a white shirt on and he had this half smirk on his face. The picture was also taken farther away then a normal mug shot, he was slightly bent over, but you could still see the markers showing how tall he was in the background. It looked like a memeber of a boyband got arrested. It was looked like the cover of an album called "N'SYNC 5 TO 10". If you can get on goole and or the Republican Sun Also Rises and look it up, I highly recommend it. It's a great picture. It is from this past week. Great stuff.
Well, the wife is hear and I've got to unload groceries. I'll get back at ye later hopefully to keep at this. Werd.
...I'm just sayin....
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