BetaHCG? Yeah you know me!

Rumor has it that me wife has done been swelled up for a second, non-consecutive time. That was the only way I could work a little President Cleveland humor into this discussion so excuse me. Depending on where you grewed up, that might be "swelt up", I'm not sure. In laidman's terms, I'm sayin there is proof, via a digital whiz dip stick, that a second yungin' is gonna appear in our happy home about 9 months from now.

The Twilight Zone or mojo moment of this whole gig is that this children was conceived in San Antonio TX. I was conceived in San Antonio TX. Purty tasty. I'll have to grow out one of those porno-stunt-double-mustaches, lose some weight, put on some navy short shorts with white trim and take some beach pictures with this kid to reenact some family photos of me that you can obviously tell have been dicussed with a mental health professional on a previous occassion.

Our first incredibly cute, yet extremely bossy and needy son is 28 months old. He's just gettin' a good grip on the talky-talky - as Billy Madison once referred to it - and now he's already going to have to brace for rudest of awakenings. You see, little man (LM) sleeps inbetwixt me and su madre. That is all on the same bed that the 90lb German Shephard hogs the foot of while snorin' louder than last year's Biggest Loser winner's pre-show submission tape. I mentioned to my wife that we should start to get LM usetuh sleeping in his own rack for the impending arrival of his sibling and she almost started to cry. Well, in all actuality, she did cry, but it doesn't count on the pregnant woman boo-hoo index because it was very minimal and stopped almost as soon as it started. I suggested we just get rid of all of her bedroom furniture and just cover the room in mattresses. That way, we'd have enough room for me, she, LM, the new yute, the dawg and anyone else who needs as Walton-like/Cider House Rules atmosphere to get sleep in. We could also rent it out as a toney private looney bin. It is either that, or get an attorney friend of mine to draw up the papers and serve LM with an eviction notice.

I just hope the flavor of this yute is female. Not that my wife, mother-in-law and mother don't lose their gourd over LM and think he is the greatest show on earth, but I know they all wished he appeared to be more burger than turtle on that faithful ultrasound. That was the only freaking appointment to girly doctor that I missed. I get this call from my wife and she can't even speak. She's crying and trying to talk in between sobbing, inhaling and simultaneously snorting her own tears. I thought our child was missing a leg or had three heads or something. It just turned out that my wife had seen the shadow of a turtle like object in the ultrasound which is indickative of boy. I just made up a werd! A shadow that looks like a hamburger means you better put down Thomas the Train and pick up those Dora The Explorer shoes and matching backpack.

My theory has always been even if it turns out to be an alien, as long as it is a healthy alien - and it doesn't eat me - I couldn't care less. Therefore, I'm going to exert all my inner hoo doo to hoping this one is a girl for the sake of my wife's sanity. She's had the name of her daughter picked out since she was like 11. I don't know if that means she was seriously in love with a relative or knew more about "things" than I did at that age, but she knows what she wants and I hope she gets it.

I've always wanted at least the double tango of childrens because I was an only yute without any in-town cousins or friends that lived close to me. My dad, having grown up in an Irish Catholic Family, had more religously named brothers and one similarly situated sister than my swillhead grandfather could remember. Tom Moore was the only name he could consistently remember and that was the name of his favorite bourbon/best friend. We always joked that his best year's were wasted talking to Tom Moore. Anyway I've always loved to hear stories about all them growing up, dirt poor, usually drunk or fresh off stealing something and how my grandmother tough loved them all the best she could. They weren't so much a family as they were a gang. If engaging in organized crime had been on the books then, they would have all been indicted.

My mother had two sisters. One's evil and the other is great. The other non-evil one was born 5 years apart on the same day as my mother. This always skewed my understanding of twins growing up. I always thought twins were 5 years apart and that never made much since considering all the ones I knew looked just a like and were in the same grade. That, in turn, screwed with my limited understanding of math because I couldn't figure how two people born 5 years apart were actually the same age. I thought there was some kind of day light savings type action applied to their ages. Its all a cyclical circle. Just enjoy the ride. Dramamine is available if necessary.

Hey, by the way, you ever noticed that identical twins usually look exactly a like but for some minor weird thing? Like you can tell Stephanie from Tiffanie because Tiffanie's nose is a little bigger than Stephanie's. Jill looks just like Jane but for that cowlick that she can't ever control. Bill and Bob couldn't be told apart without DNA except for Bob's undescended testicle and known uniball status. You smell what I'm steppin' in?

In other murds, I just hope it all works out. I.E. the yute makes it hear safe and sound. My wife doesn't lose her gourd or have any health issues and we're able to keep things somewhat in order and get through all those late and early evenings with some level of sanity.

I'm just sayin.....

Super Happy Fun Time Giving Thanks Hour!

Well, I hope everyone had a super happy fun time Giving Thanks hour! today. Mine was funky fresh. It was dressed. Pressed. Ready to party. I don't even remember what old school 80's rap song I stole that from, but I still dig workin' it into my reptile whenever I get the opportunity.

Waffle House doesn't close to Give Thanks. No matter what time of day it is - either before the last float has blown off t.v. or just after you've come out of a triptiphan induced coma - you can go to The House and hear that British-teethed maiden scream your order out at the cook. I've always felt some kind of weird embarassment when my order is shouted out loud in front of all the other wafflees but, like takin' a leak in bar bathrooms, you get over it. I mean, I'm not sayin' there is some kind of waffle-wafflee privilege, or you should be sworn to syrup secrecy, but there should be a better way. My point is, you can scatter, smother, cover Giving Thanks if you wanna.

K-Mart actually has more than 3 people working. You can honestly go in, buy something and get out within an hour. It truly is something to be thankful for.

Wheel of Fortune is lame. I watched an episode with my family today while waiting to gobble ourselves silly and I decided that Pat Sayjack has the sense of humor of a Dostoevsky (spelling optional) novel. Vanna doesn't even have to turn the letters anymore. Their apparently iletters because all she has to do is touch them and show the letter. I guess she almost lost a finger or something when she had to actually turn them and the show - fearing that no one else could replace her - got Apple to come up with some touch screen technology to save the day. There was a chic on the show today named Archana (Arch-na). As in, if you're scared of spiders, you suffer from archanaphobia. As in, have you ever been up in the St. Louis Archana?

WPSD has a segment where they interview local doctors and ask them "what's goin' around?". The doctors basically say what types of illnesses they are seeing in their patients. I found this funny. I asked a lady doctor I know. I said, "What's goin' around?" She said, "a whole bunch of uninsured gall bladders." I thought it'd be funny to have that segment for other professions. Hey, Kountry Kastle waitress, what's goin' around the Kastle? "Cold Busch Lite, lyin' and divorce." Hey, criminal defense lawyer, what's goin' around the courthouse? "I'm seein' a lot of burglaries with an intermittent robbery. It looks like controlled substance possession is going to rise in the next couple of days and there's a chance that, with all the holiday travelers, they're be in increase in speeding tickets and expired registrations." Hey, postal worker, what's goin' around the post office? "A lot of bitchin' about the price of stamps and requests for Elvis stamps that we sold out of eight years ago." Hey mall worker, what's going around the mall on Black Friday? "A lot of idiots and pushing and shoving and one or two births in the check out lines."

I saw people lining up this afternoon with tents and shit to camp outside of Best Buy. I thought freaking Phish was playing there or something by the look of the crowd. I almost cruised through the parking lot to see if I could get my dog a hemp collar, get some homemade root beer and "herbal" cookies. They should call it Black Fridaystock. Best Buyaroo would be kewl.

Awlright. That's all I've got at this juncture. I hope everybody had a great Happy Super Fun Time Excellent Giving Thanks Hour!

I'm just sayin......

Stealin' never smelled so good!

This is an actual quote from the 11/20/07 edition of the Paducah Sun. The article from which this nugget of the true came from was about a recent case of insurance fraud in the general tri-global (Illinois-Tennessee-Kentucky) area. I swear this is the actual quote:

"Turnbow said several people admitted failing fraudulent theft claims after the dog he handles sniffed and determined nothing was stolen." back pg. of the 11/20/07 Paducah Sun.

Turnbow is McCracken County Chief Deputy Sheriff Mike Turnbow. The dog is, well, just amazing.

I can get past the typo because I flail to see how that is important. However, the substance of the quote should have led to this headline:

"CHIEF DEPUTY SAYS DOG CAN SMELL BULLSHIT" or "THE PHERMONES OF FRAUD" or "FRAUD SMELLS LIKE A DOG'S ASS" or "HUMP MY LEG AND SHOW ME A RECIEPT OR YOU'RE GOING TO JAIL!"

Does it scare anyone else that there is allegedly a dog in this county that can smell theft? I mean, if this dog can smell theft, why hasn't it been sitting outside the Four River's Extortion Center howling at the moon? Why has its owner not been cited on numerous occasions for its repeated biting of the City Manager or The Mayor?

If the dog can smell insurance fraud, can it smell a good deal when it sniffs it? For instance, if you take it Wally World and let it sniff that rotissierie/pannini grill combo with the added fat draining ditch tube, will it pee on Tickle Me Elmo telling you that it is over-priced? If it smells a purchase and licks it balls, does that mean you got a good deal? If it sniffs your purchase and runs circles around the couch does that mean you should return it before the store closes? The possibilities are endless. Take that hound on the Price is Right and you and Drew Carey will become best friends. That little yoddling dude that always falls off the mountain would be able to cancel his health insurance if the Bluelight Special Hound was a regular contestant.

I mean fucking Lassie didn't even portend to be a canine version of Consumer Reports. This is absolutely the nuttiest shit I have ever heard of. A dog that can "smell" crime.

If you stole a purse and rolled it in catnip, would the dog think you stole satchel of kat refer and report you to the police? I have no idea what that mint.

Eitherwho, I'm sure I won't be able to stay away after the paper - I mean City Commission - rules on what to do to our Chief O' Poleese.

I'm just sayin........

Is that a gun in my window or are you just the Chief of Police?

The weirdest thang about Paducah's latest trip to Scandalville is the fact that it all centers on the Chief of Police (COP) using his gun to try and break in a window. Who in the hell uses a loaded gun to try to break in a window? Either shoot or get off the pot.

Kung Fu Junction (KFJ) - the newly-elected press-hungry City Commission that fancies himself a sensay in his spare time - came straight out the box claiming COP should be fired for the gun incident and "sabotaging" a potential "To Humiliate a Pedophile" episode that was offered to be filmed in Paducah. How COP is alleged to have sabotaged the humiliating of the would-be pedophiles I haven't a clue. Apparently, not agreeing to something equals sabotage (I'm pronouncing the word "sabo - tahj). KFJ also called him out for the low morale of the officers and not holding himself to the same high Meatgate standards that he holds his other officers. All this I can see. The sabotaging I see less than if I were on a blind date with Helen Keller.

The local rag weighed in with an editorial saying improperly using your gun ain't no thang to worry about, as long as no rich Republicans are harmed, and COP was write for turning away the pedophile catchers because they're more into entertainment and ratings than actual law enforcment. As much as I hate myself for saying it, I disagree as to the former and agree with the latter. I find it screwed up that some adult computer nerds with funky nicknames and a penchant for claiming to be sex talking juveniles can lure people into a home, deliberately coax them into humiliating situations and then tape it all for broadcast. If you've ever watched one of those Pin the Arrest on the Pedophile episodes you'll see that, not only are no real kids ever in any danger, but these people coax these dumbasses into walking into the house nude or carrying embarrasingly wuss brands of liquor. Pedophiles should be in jail, no doubt butt this show is ridiculous. It's more about the host surprising the poor soon-to-have-life-ruined-felon and asking some dumb questions.

The City Manager (CM) - who incidentily runs the city but is not the Mayor, who's job description is to run the city - held onto the info about COP's McGyver like use of his Glock for more than a month before takin' the bag off the cat. KFJ said he was coverin' it up. CM jumped in and said, "Nah. I was just waitin' fer the right time to spring it on ye, and, oh, by the way, he didn't do anything wrong. No reprimand is necessary. I'm out!" That was a paraphrase by the way.

Ain't Paducah great? This is one of the few times a scandal has broken and resolved itself within' like three days. CM covered the whole thing up longer than it took him to decide COP's fate once it became public. You ever noticed that the way COP looks in his unyform makes him look like an extra from Police Academy 5? Everytime I see him on t.v. I keep waiting for Jonesy to come in, make some incredibly real sounding noises and then beat-box until the story about whether or not dogs and cats get into heaven comes on.

Speaking of that, dogs and cats going to heaven? I mean, have we got our freaking post-life dance cards filled up to the point where we've got to start worrying about whether or not Fido has been saved? Should you tell your neighbor's dog its going to hell next time it humps your leg? Are we going to start seeing crazily-dressed, big-haired televangelists preaching the virtues of licking yourself only for cleanliness versus for pleasure? Due to the number of offspring they produce, would it be fair to say that rabbits and cats are Catholic? Was it really that slow of a news day for these local idiots to come up with this?

The American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center is still open. It's not to late to register for next semester and get a free set of snow tires. You better hurry because the school and supply of tires is limited.

Barry Bonds was charged by the Feds today with being a liar. No shit. Under some circumstances, it's a crime. A little tip to help you realize when it is against the law to lie is this:
If you've been put under oath, are sitting in a little room with 12 grand people who are called jurors with an attorney asking you questions while everything is being recorded, you should tell the true. Another tip is, if your head is the size of a weather balloon, you've grown 2 inches and your foot size has increased since you began to hit a lot of homeruns in your late 30's and your testicles are the size of bb's, you should think real hard before answering questions about taking steroids. If you Hulk-out when asked about your back acne and whether or not you're unibrow is intentional, you should not answer questions about roids.

The amazing thang about this whole scenaroid is that Barroid was given immunity from prosecution for anything that he said other than lying. This fewl could have admitted to killing someone for roids and he would have had immunity. The only thing he could be rung up for was lying. He went in there and claimed all he did was use some "lotion" that his trainer gave him along with flaxseed oil. If that was what really caused Barroid to muscle up and start hitting all those home runs, every freaking major leaguer's locker would look like they were chronic masturbators with hard stool for all the empty lotion bottles and flaxseed oil containers that would be around.

I'm just sayin......

American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center may be having a close out sale!

THIS IS ALL BASED ON HYPOTHETICAL INFORMATION THAT WAS ALLEGED TO ME BY PERSONS WHO ALLEGEDLY ARE NOT REAL AND/OR DO NOT EXIST. ALLEGEDLY.

So, I go out of town for a few days and Tommy O decides to get all up in the grill of the Board of Directors of the American Eagle School of Law & Tire Center. Wow. Unlike a geezer round the table at the Giving of Thanks dinner, I've been hearin' bad thangs about the AESLTC for quite some time. Let's just say that, if my sources were any more inside, they'd be Tommy O (Which they aren't allegedly by the way.) If my sources were anymore inside, they'd be the gossip equivalent of innards. If my sources were anymore inside......you get the point.

Allegedly AESLTC does some shady shit like keep students student loan money for a while after it receives it. Allegedly this would either be evidence of them paying the bills with the students dough, paying investors with the students dough or making money off interest bearing accounts with the students dough. Eitherway, you allegedly should not be holdin' on to loan dough from students for any longer than it takes the check to clear or the transfer of funds to be o.k.'d because - as I recall from my days of living loan to loan - they need those ducketts to survive.

Allegedly the AESLTC has had a history of not paying its professors. I am allegedly aware of possibly two instances where it is alleged that grades were withheld from the institution by the non-paid prof until some consideration for there alreadly performed obligation came there way.

Allegedly a professor at the AESLTC has an alleged spouse with alleged legal problems. As in she is allegedly going to jail for a period of time that you nor I would want to do, allegedly. Well, in all the wondermint that is this alleged professor, he and his wife allegedly can't afford an attorney to defend her and she be sucklin' from the state's public defender teet. What would you think was worse, a professor who has a wife that is breaking the law while he attempts to teach it or having a professor at your private law school who couldn't afford to hire a private attorney to represent his wife?

You attempt to bring an alleged law school into a town and you begin by placing it out in the middle of no where. You place it in a park built in the information age that is so hip to the information of the age that it doesn't even get cellphone reception. It should be called the Analog Age Park. Or the Dial Up Information Only Park. You could tie two soup cans together with a string and getter better reception than you currently do while basking in the age of information in that park.

Second, after you realize you don't have enough space for a library because you had to wire the whole building with yarn and put can holders up everywhere, you attempt to solve your dilemma by buying Wagner Candy Company's old building that is several miles away. WTF? I don't think it says a lot for an institution of higher learning that didn't forsee it would need adequate space for a library before choosing its location - especially considering that law schools libraries have to meat certain standards and it is going to be reviewed by anyone inspecting the joint for potential accrediation. Can you imagine, "Now ABA types, that concludes your tour of the law school. If you all follow me, will go to gas station and fill up our cars because we've got a long drive ahead of us to get to the library and we won't be able to talk on our cell phones. When you see the building that makes you want a Tootsie Roll, pull in. That's the library."

San Antonio is purty kewl. That's where I just returned from. Those fewls down there are all about swillin' it out. You can imbibe your Stetson off while walking down the famed River Walk. There's a joint floggin' swill ever few river steps. The San Antonio River is also only about 4 foot deep so there's no fear of drowning no matter how drunk you are when you fall in.

The Alamo is sort of neat. It's like a brick wall with a big ass adobe building behind it. A lot of KY'ians and TN'ians fought and/or croaked at the Alamo. Saw a replica of KY'ian Jim Bowie's knife. That freaking thing made Crocodile Dundee's knife look like it needed a Cialis. It was closer to a sword on a knife handle than an actual knife. He could have deflected bullets with that thing. It was amazing. I wanted to see a full body picture of him because I couldn't fathom where or how he carried that blade on Levitra but I had no luck. I bet whichever arm he used to wield that thing was like 3 times the size of his other arm. And no, I didn't Ozzy Osborne out - I used the facilities designated for urination while at the Alamo.

Saw a Heat-Spurs game. Shaq is bigger that I wooda thunk. You get that "little Japanese citizen looking at Godzillra" vibe when you see him in person. Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker are very impressive in person. Faster than Cheetah's on amphetamines and they can make more plays than Neil Simon. What a weird sentence.

Started listening to Eric Clapton's autobiography. Guy is about as honest as a kick to the gonards. Admits all of his screws up. Very endearing. Had an aunt with Tourette's Syndrome. She put the words "fuck" and "Eddie" in all her sentences. The example given was, "Is your mum around, fuck Eddie?" He thought she was great. Things I nude about him prior to starting the book: His grandparents raised him and he was told his mother was his sister. He started and left a band about every two weeks. He and Jimi Hendrix were friends. He had the hots for George Harrison's wife, wrote songs about her and he and George remained friends even after Clapton began an affair with her and eventually married Clapton. They called each other "husband-in-laws". Things I now knowed about him: His mum came back with a half bro and half sister of his, stayed for like 6 months and bolted. His grandmaw Rose thought he was great and loved him. He broke up every freaking band he ever started. He knew The Stones before they became famous. Jimi Hendrix and Clapton use to go into bars in NYC and just get up on stage and play. Cream let Hendrix up on stage with them the first night they met him without ever seeing him play and were floored by him. Clapton was waiting to give Hendrix a white left-handed guitar (Hendrix played a right handed guitar upside down) but didn't get the chance because he didn't show at another group's concert and died that night. There's a lot more but I'm going to sleep.

I'm just sayin.....

Elecktshun reesults and other theories

PLEAE READ NO FURTHER UNLESS YOU'VE ACTUALLY WITNESSED ATTORNEY GENERAL ELECT JACK CONWAY IN THE FLESH OR YOU'VE GOT A PICTURE OF HIM HUNG UP IN A SPECIAL PLACE.

JACK CONWAY IS ATTORNEY GENERAL. Touch yourself Kentucky. We've got the hottest attorney general in the union. And we thought making all that bourbon and racin' them horses made us famous. Nah, we gottest the hottest, square jawed, closet-thing-we'll-have-to-a-Kennedy-attorney general we can get. Sure, he don't got no sperience prosecutin' people for crimes and all, butt who gives a damn? He's democrat, hot and what else dew you kneed in '07?

I have no clue about Jack Conway. I don't know him, nor have I ever met him. A friend of mine's sister called me axin' that I support him months ago, but that is about all I knowed about him that I have not written above. I do know that a local attorney that seems to enjoy suing himself thinks that Mr. Conway is the greatest thing since a vested pension. I'm not saying that in an effort to cast asparagus in anyone's direction. I'm merely saying it because it is the true. I seriously doubt he gets any mojo or hand-me-downs from Frankfort for his unabashed support. And in terms of experience, it ain't like a general attorney is going to court or anything. He'll get some fewl that actually knows something about the gig to be his right hand man and I'm sure everything will run smoothly.

Stever Beshear is governor. I volunteered for his ill-fated campaign against homo-sexual turtle look-a-like Mitch McConnel in '06. Working on that campaign was like being a security guard on the Titanic. Everyone knew it was going down, you just had to hang around to make sure as many peeps as possible got to the exits. From what I hear from my honkeys in the know, Steve is right on with a good attitude. All accounts are - from those that actually know him, worked for him and went to school with him - he's tastier than a chocolate covered boobie on the Biggest Loser. Right on. Werd.

Apparently, the majority of people in KY don't give a damn about casinos. Or, the marjority of poeple are tired of a governor who gives off recurring-character-that-was-friends-with-Eddie-Haskel-on-Leave-it-to-Beaver-vibes. I don't know. I found it interesting that Fletcher gambled on people in KY not wanting to allow gambling when it is more than obvious that your average KY'ian would bet you dollars to doughnuts that a constitutional amendment allowing gambling would pass. I mean, was Fletcher so out of touch that he didn't see all of the signs for Caesar's in Indiana while in Louisville or Harrah's in Metropolis while in Paducah? How could you miss that?

Richie Farmer gettin' re-elected was as difficult to predict as the sun coming up. I don't know nuthin about what he's done as Commissioner of Agriculture, but, I'm glad to see that someone has learned to parlay the "everyone loves me" sentiment they experienced while a basketball player at UK into something more than a free car or an avoidance of criminal behavior and promiscuity. From what some geezer said on KET, he actually knows what he's doing. That's good, bein that he won re-election and all and everything.

Some guy named King breasted some guy named Teeters for Bardwell mayor. Did you follow that? Has an intentionally misplaced "r" ever been more funny?

I'm about to actually go on vacation for three days. Nutty. Not having a beeper or constantly being queried about questions you've already answered is a weird feeling. Like misidentifying a Chinese guy in a lineup, don't get me Wong, I love my job. It's just that it is stressful like any other one in it's own peculiar way.

I will report from the road if time dictates. Otherwise, I will get back at ye when I return.

I'm just say'n..........