It's a four star hotel steel cage match!

The City of Paducah is being held hostage by that biggest shitty hotel in America. You need no further proof then the latest front page article regarding the fate of The Big E that we were graced with in this morning's edition of the Republican Sun Also Rises.

Billy Bartleman informed us that Doolittle has been doing little to keep the big wig as yet un-named developer from wherever from changing his plans to buy the Big E - which is, if you believe Budhiper Singh, not for sale - tear it down and build a fancy four star joint where it sits and sprucing up the existing convention center. The City and Turkey Neck Paxton are all about this plan and offering said unnamed hotel guru more tax breaks than Wesley Snipes got in the 90's.

Up against this plan is local dough hoarder and river magnate Ronnie James who has boned up with some hotelier from somewhere's else. Ronnie has some land near the Four River's Extortion Center - that's what I call it after they nickel and dimed my wife and I for fees on every little thing they could when we chose to be received there after our wedding - and has decided to throw up a fancy hotel of his own because he believes downtown Paducah needs a fancy hotel and the river industry needs it as well. I'd say any dude who owns as many businesses as he does in this area probably has some clue about how to run a business in this area. The best thing about his plan, in my humble opinion, is he's said he's going forward with it whether Turkey Neck and the Shitty Commission offer him incentives or not. Kudos to you rich hotel builder guy!

I find all this very interesting for a multitude of reasons. The gent who own's The Big E is so goddman cheap he most likely stole the towel on his head from the Big E and he repeatedly says its not for sale. He has recently stated he's signed an agreement with - no shit I did not make this up - Spacecoast Hotels or something similar to break it down it two different hotels, condos and apartments and has had another partner in contact with city officials and it will take his willingness to SALE the freaking hole to even get the unknown and unnamed guys plan past square one, but yet, the City prefers to give incentives and dough to the out of town guy who has to have the cooperation of the uncooperative cat from California over the local guy who doesn't even want any help or money from the City. Excuse my English, but what fucking cents does this make? Not enough to buy any of value I'll tell you that.

What is this need for Turkey Neck and the City Commission to constantly being wanting to bring people in from the outside to develop our economy when, especially in this situation, we seem to have local people willing to do it right hear? I'm not saying this masked hotelier lurking in the shadows with his unlimited finances, non-rubber checks and super-wrecking ball is not a good guy and would not do a great job with his Big E project, but why in the hell is our City so hell bent for leather on going with his theory considering that a local business man who's family has started and owned a bunch of local business and brought a river of cash and employed a slew of fewls around this area is wanting to develop a hotel in downtown? Let's see, out of towner who wants dough from the City v. local guy who doesn't want dough from the City. Aren't you suppose to take care of you're own? Didn't I read that somewhere? From a purely xenophobicalogical - if that's not a word it is now - standpoint, Ronnie James should win. From a financial standpoint, he should win as well. From a commonsense standpoint he should win. Any time you can deal with your own, you should. It's not like Ronnie James owns a couple of pawnshops and is stringing his finances together by recycling cans. The dude has the dough.

I think our City Commission is so enamored with making this city seem metrosexual and like Louisville that they think bringing in "big city folk" is the only way to do it because they are more cultured or know more than the rest of us. Ronnie James' money buys just as many stars at a hotel as this other unknown guy's money does. The difference is Ronnie James' money will keep our City from spending any money because he isn't asking for any money. However, the City of course wants to bring in the guy from out of town because he's a Big City guy and will culture us all up and make things fancier down there and revitalize that area. An out of town guy is why our City's jublee's are in a vice to begin with. Mr. Singh has squeezed with precision and, as I've stated before, he has every right to because he owns that hell hole and has played those idiots to perfection. If the City had half a brain, they'd let Singh twist in the wind and get behind Ronnie James project. However, like they've shown in the past, they appoint a task force to appoint a commission to tell Doolittle to continue to tell the unnamed guy to keep trying to buy the place from Singh. They just can't help themselves.

.....I'm just sayin....

They got legalized dope, whores and chicks named Ted in the Netherlands!

If you read the Republican Sun Also Rises this morning, saw its affiliated UHF version or made out with a quilter in the last 24 hours, that headline makes since to you. If none of that makes sense to you, then gargle my sack. How rude. Oh hell, I just hadn't used my dad's gift to sack related phraseology in so long I just had to work it into my act. Like cold nude buttocks on a Harley rider in October, how could I be chapped at you? Where were we?

Oh yes, legal refer, whores and chicks named Ted. If you saw the front page of the local rag this morning you would have noticed what appeared to be a dude with teets on the front of it accepting roses from a chick. Good guess but (insert Family Feud style buzzer sound hear) you'd be more Wong than your waiter at Number One Chinese Super Buffet. It was actually a picture of Ted Storm. Ted Storm is a chick's chick from the Netherlands, land of legalized cheeba, hoochies and apparently mom's who like to name their daughter's after their daddy's. Maybe her mom was dyslexic and got confused after listening to that Johnny Cash song A Boy Named Sue. In either even, the freaking dude nomer don't explain why the photo of Ted made her look like a Ted. Not to say that Ted burps and farts constantly, likes pizza four times a week and is obsessed with boobs, but judging by the photo, I'm guessing so. Ted apparently quilts a mean quilt though and that's boobs to you on that one ole girl!

But let's get back to discussing wherefrom the Man Storm came. I've always dug the theory of Amsterdam. I have a Man from Amsterdam as I like to call him, i.e. a close friend who is infatuated with the place and use to travel there once a year. And no, despite how that seems, I do not know Vincent Vega. I realize that Amsterdam is not the Netherlands per se but that is really what I think of when I think of the Netherregion. I'm married so the whores no longer apply to me but I still dig the idea that they let everyone else cut to the chase and skip right to beating around the bush, if you will. I mean, if a woman or man wants to accept cash for doing the nasty, as long as all the nastiness is consensual and amongst adults, and no gerbils are harmed, who cares? Paging Richard Gere. White courtsey phone. Richard Gere white courtesy phone. Welcome to the blog.

The dope never did anything fer me either. I just like the idea of people being able to do it if they want to. I'm not going to rule out the possiblilty of doing as the natives do if I were there, but that would be a game time decision. I guess these fewls were sitting around one day with their feet all hurting from wearing the wooden shoes and they smoked some herb, their feet felt better and they thought, this should be left alone and everyone should be allowed to do it. That's how you get to tolerance people! Clogs! Maybe, if we outfitted the City Commission with clogs, we could have package liquor sales on Sunday and we wouldn't have to stock up like you're going on a camping trip with AA members in Yomesite for week every freaking Saturday.

If clogs, which are wooden and uncomfortable, got the Dutch to tolerance, according to my obviously true and now logically proven and indisputable theory set forth above, are Crocs, which are comfortable, made of rubber and gay looking, causing all the evil in America as we know today? I have three pairs. I should be stopped. And I thought I was so open minded and tolerant.

Well, congratulations to Ms. Ted Storm on her award winning quilt. How weird does that look?

.... I'm just sayin'....

got quilts?

It's Quilt Week people and the blue hair to red neck ratio just increased three fold. Every one way street downtown just became a two way street for the next couple of days whether the drivers being approached head on know it or not. Every restaraunt within 50 miles just began offering coupons, free yarn samples and started serving dinner at 4:00 p.m. to cater to all the blue hairs that have descended upon our fair city. It's kinda like an infestation of geezer Hell's Angels except without all the hell and a whole lot more Angel. You couldn't find a sewing kit, a DVD of Matlock or a fresh prune in this city if your life depended on it because we're getting our quilt on!

To be quite honest, there even appear to be some younger quilters. Dare I say, QUILF? I don't knowed that I'd go so far as starting a pay site all world wide webular style, but I'm just saying that all quilters ain't so old that they fart dust and think of Sam Adams as a fine president. Speaking of quilters and sex, do you think they worry about the blaket or whatever they're laying on while they're doing it? I could just see a quilter totally obsessing over whether the blanket or quilt was getting wrinkled, ripped, destoryed or somehow damaged during sex and ruining it for the other person. You know they Rainman out over the idea of stains.

What's the deal with the guys you see walking around downtown during quilt week? Are these quilter prisoners of war? QPOW's? How could a normal dude stand this type of shit? I mean, from what I understand, the quilt museum does not have a swill or liquor license and I don't see any of these guys carrying beers or drinks around so, well, there is no so, explain yourself? Maybe they hand out xanax, lortab or oxycontin or something to these guys when they walk in because I can't for the life of me imagine how a straight man could stand to walk around all day and look at quilts, yarn, string, different colors of string, yarn, quilts, and shit no matter how much I love my wife UNLESS I was drinking during entire proces. If I was drinking AND taking pills while doing it, I would fucking be quilting before it was over.

I saw what appeared two be either two twin quilters or two lesbian quilters today. They were both wearing the same patch work, pastel colored jacket with name tags on the front. They were walking in step, at sort of a high rate of speed. I think they may have even had matching denim shorts on. Come to think about it, they may have been quilt Nazi's. I'm not sure. Is there such a thing as the Quilt Gestapo? I mean, I didn't see them roughing up anyone for possessing a shawl or anything but they did seem to have some sort of quilt related agenda that seemed to have a tinge of nefariousness.

Now, if Buhdipher Singh really is going to change the Big E into the 8 or 9 hotels that he said he is going to by next year's quilt off, maybe he'll show some good faith by wearing a quilted turbine or whatever. I think that would be a good gesture to the people of Paducah.

...I'm just sayin.....

If the house is a rockin', don't bother knockin' cause that's just the New Madrid Fault sayin' "Hello" so come on in!

Just when you thought insomnia and a penchant for not being able to let thoughts about your work go would never pay off, your house starts shaking at 4:40 a.m.ish and it all pays off. Of course, that didn't make the previous two hours of me tossing and turning and rolling myself up in the sheets like a joint worth while, but the last twenty minits have been fun.

Here's the thing that been's funnest. For all its Breaking Weather bullshit, it took WPSDTV a little less than 10 minutes to get something on the air declaring a quake o the earth had occurred. Now, tell me if I'm Wong here, but wouldn't an ---- THIS JUST IN... AT 5:00 ON THE DOT THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT. 5.4 ON THE RICHTER SCALE ---- earthquake be breaking news because they are very rare and they literally break shit? They spent every bit of 4 minutes max on the earthquake. Now, if it has been snowing or, there had been a thunderstorm, the majority of the newscast would have been devoted to coverage of such a monumental event. But something as pesky as little 5.4 magnitude earthquake isn't breaking enough. Wait a minute, they did add a rather nifty graphic showing the earthquake on their fancy weather map. But's its gone now. It's been broken over by news of other weather. Apparrently it's going to rain.

The best way to describe the earthquake would be like the shaking of my love handles when I run down a flight of stairs. Or maybe its like how you shake the shit out of your kid when they do something wrong......, er, uh, .... forget that example. Butt seriously, like a Sir Mixalot video, it shook my wife's house like Jello-O. It was really weird because I was sitting hear on the couch trying to be quiet in my non-being able to sleepness. I had the t.v. down very low and was contemplating trying to trick myself into attempting to sleep again and then, out of nowhere, I felt like a pair of double DD's at trampoline camp. My wife immediately came out the room and diagnosed the situation. I thought it was some type of strong wind. Then, realizing that (A) she's smarter than me (B) she's always write and (C) we don't live in a trailer, I concurred with her diagnosis and sent off the appropriate paperwork so we could be reimbursed accordingly.

What do you do after an earthquake? Do you run out into the streets screaming? I thought about it. It sort of seemed appropriate. I thought that I had saw that on a movie somewhere but I decided against it since my wife calmly took a pull from a Diet Sun Drop and went back to bed with our son. Do you start looting and pillaging? I could use a Rolex but the correlation between earthquake and breaking into Michelson's seems tenuous. Maybe there are some books or websites that you can find that tell you what to do after you lived through such a traumatic event as this. I'm sure #1 on the list is look down where your walking and don't step into any cracks. That's the first thing I'm going to look for. Aren't you always suppose to have bottled water and a first aid kit handy to survive an earthquake? How did I make through? Should I go buy that stuff now in case Sheriff Hayden or somebody comes by to check?

Maybe I should write a book about how to survive earthquakes. Step 1. Lay on a couch with a blanket, preferably some type of crocheted action. Step 2. Have a laptop computer and wireless internet. Step 3. Remain Calm. Step 4. Listen to and do what your wife says. Step. 5. Always remember 4. That's a freaking bestseller if I've ever seen it. I should get my own earthquake survival show like that saucy Bear Grylls dude on Discovery Channel who use to be in the English special forces. Have you seen this cat? They drop him off in some god awful joint with the clothes on his limey back and a knife and he lives off the land for a week and shows you how to survive. Basically, he finds an excuse in every espisode to drink his own pee but he's a cool dude. The bastard is fearless and eats things that would make a billygoat reach for the Pepto. Anyway, I could have like a weekly series where I traveled around to known fault regions and tested my survivability by laying on a couch in each region with my computer. I mean, I might have to try different types of blankets and there would be no guarantees that I would have internet access, or that my wife would even let me go. It could be very dangerous. I think I know what the cable viewing public need. My fat ass on a couch with a laptop and blanket in different parts of the world, for thirty minutes, weekly. Oh yeah. I haven't seen this much potential since New Coke or the Le Car.

Well, I'm pretty sure martial law is not going to be called into effect. Birds are singing. The sun is still coming up. According to picture I just saw on Channel Six, Superman still showed up for work today in Metropolis. We're going to be all write. Just look down where you're walking and don't step into any cracks.

I can't stand it. WPSDTV has just named it the "Illinios Earthquake". I'm guessing that's because its epcotcenter was in Illinois. That may be the technical earthquakeologist way to go about naming your children, so to speak, but, since it shook my wife's abode in KY, and I'm claiming this hear quake as my own. Let's be a little more patriotic about our earthquakes around these parts by God! SUPPORT OUR QUAKES! I swear to Jesus I may print up bumper stickers that say such. I have truly just discovered that sometimes being tired is just as crazy as being drunk. Thank you. The 4:30 a.m. show is completely different from the 6:00 a.m. show. Tip your waitress.

....I'm just sayin.....

Chief Bratton is a Jerk, Weather's a breakin' and we all need to get the fu#* over it!

The local talk radio station has been doing an in depth series on the Paducah City Police Chief's alleged ineptitude where they interview present and past officers about his failures as both a leader and an officer. This is interesting on several levels.

First, it's interesting because he's still the acting chief o' police and some of the officers that have casted asparagus in his general direction may face some form of retribution. Second, one part of the story highlights the now famed incident in which the chief attempted to enter an apartment by breaking a window with the grip of his Glock which apparently ulitmately led to it's magazine falling out and maybe a round falling out. To be clear, no rounds were fired. Third, the chief has recently applied for another chief job in a different city and it is interesting that all of this that has been known for longer than Methusala's address has just now come out on the radio.

So what is going on? We've got ourselves a good ole fashion contradiciton peoples. It's like high school. When I was a senior, I was popular. I had a hot girlfriend but I wanted to hook up with other chicks. I tried to do the honorable thing by breaking up with her and being single so I could date other chicks but then I thought about her dating other guys getting their hands on her boobies and I couldn't stand it. I didn't break up with her and decided to cheat on her. I want to play with her boobies and all the others on the side too. That is what is going on hear. The Paducah City Police Officers don't like Chief Bratton. They hate his goofy ass. They think he has been too harsh on them. However, the minute he applies for another job, its like they don't want him to leave and they start trash talking him so he can't. You think those cats where ever he's applying are going to hire him if they see that this local radio station is running a series on how much his men hate him? Is that a normal occurrence for police chiefs? I mean, if you really wanted him gone, you'd write him letters of recommendation. You'd say he was freaking Walker Texas Ranger. By the way, if you get on www. wkyxwngo's website and look at Bratton's picture, does it look like you should see a link to some kind of registry where it tells you either what he did and how far he has to live from schools or, at the very least, when he got his comestology license? Seriously. That smile is so cheezy and strained it looks like he brushed his teeth with gouda.

Look, I don't pretend to know nuthin bout the beef in that department because I ain't never strapped on no piece and ever risked my tired ass life for money day in day out. But the cats I know and respect that do don't like him. I'm taking their side. That's good enuff for me. I still think they should lie and kiss his ass to get rid of him though. Promotion is the best policy to get rid of dumbasses. See a lot of our local politicians. If you look at their years of expeirence prior to their first elected position you'll see more free air space than then no fly zone over Iraq. Fill in the blank with some of the last local pols you voted for or your superiors. Keeping the same job you got with no experience only means you have expeirence at that job by the way. It doesn't mean you have experience doing anything else.

Does it take a freakin' 5 part series to know he's a jerk and the cops don't like him? I mean damn? Is that a series worthy subject? They should have called it "Chief Bratton:Dickilicious". Who doesn't know this stuff? I could should have been four parts: two balls, one shaft and one head. I don't think Bratton tries to be nature's answer to pickled bologna on purpose, I just think he's got his style and he's in charge and that's the way he is going to run the show. For whatever that is worth, you have to respect that as long as he's in charge.

I was watching the 6 O'Clock news and the cat next to chick with the skunk stripe said tonight was a good night to practice your "breaking weather drills". Breaking weather drills? WTF is that? Turning on the t.v., looking out the window, making sure a tornado is not coming directly at your house and turning it off? The local media in this town is obessed with the weather to the point that it is amazing. I can't imagine trying to convince someone in my immediate family or household that we had to do "drills" based off the weather. Like snowflake jumping jacks or some shit. Stop, drop and rolling to the fridge to get another beer might work but that is as far as I'm going to take it.

....I'm just sayin......

The McCracken Physical Court should open up a soccer bank and just get it over with!

On Wednesday, there was a followup in the Republican Sun Always rises about an ongoing story where the McCracken County Physical Court has hemhawed around the idea of giving a company that makes fuel out dirt or something else biodegradeable - cue Dr. Evil clip -$1 million dollars. Apparrently, County Judge Executive VanLooneyberry (CJEVLB) has previously indicated he's all about shelling out the county's duckett's to a private company a la private bank style as long as the county gets some decent juice. Some of the other County Commissioners must have expressed some trepidation at getting into the loan sharking buitness because they asked the county attorney's office to issue an opinion on whether or not a county can shark loans.

Then, being ever trustful of the man who said to give Steve Doolittle his money and then sued Steve Doolittle for taking it, when Boaz's office said they thought the County could shark loans, another commissioner asked them to consult the hottest inexperienced elected official Kentucky has ever seen Attorney General Jack Conway. All of this caused enough concern that the Republican Sun Also Rises wrote an editorial stating the obvious that the Physical Court needed to stay out of the loan sharking buitness. The even funnier part about all of this is, allegedly, one of the men that would be getting and/or having control over this dough to be degrable to fuels has a felony drug record longer than the director's cut of Gahndi. Apparrently, the Physical Court's loan application ain't to in depth.

In today's edition of the local rag, CJEVLB is hemhawing around with the Physical Court on where to put a soccer complex. It's either going to put next to private sports plex or near I-24. The decision where to put this soccer complex has been being "decided on" since Bo and Hope were wearing diapers and being plotted against by a collicky Steffano in a maternity ward in Salem. It seems like the Physical Court or the Shitty Commission can't do anything without studying something, appointing a freaking task force or hiring a consultant to tell them what anyone with the proverbial lick of commonsense or gonards to make a tough call could do. In the time that it has taken them to decide where to put this soccer complex I'm sure that there are some kids that have forgotten that they even wanted to play soccer. It's a good thing we apparrently don't have that many hardcore soccer fans in Paducah because, if we did, a drunken gang of soccer houligans would have already bumrushed the doors of one of these goofy wee-girl meetin's and solved this problem.

To compromise, I think the Physical Court should just open a Soccer Bank Complex. It would be the best of both worlds and you could probably even find one consultant to head one task force to tell you how to do it.

....I'm just sayin.....