If I told you, I'd have to tequila you.

Cuervo Tradicional and Squirt - believe it or not - actually tastes good. Not "White Castles post a good drunk good", but good nonetheless. Cuervo Tradicional and Diet Sun Drop is one of those combinations that should go down in history as muy terrible. Like Stalin and Mussolini, nitro and glycerin, big asses and spandex, these two should never mix. It was like drinking dirt without the worm.

Patron Platinum or Silver, on the otro hando, is smoother than Carlos Santana wearing silk drawers. Good stuff. I recommend it be chilled in the freezer prior to it heading south of your guzzle.

I'm about to share with you a revolucion (Damn I wish I was Bill Gates enough to knowed where to find me the el button that would sling one of those wavey things above some of these letters!) in tequlia swillin that I came up with. When swilling tequila you should use Key Limes for the after shot chaser. Using Key Limes will save you from spending a whole bunch of time trying to cut normal limes into perfectly proportioned wedges and slices. They are the size of a superball and can be cut and de-seeded quickly. Cutting regular limes almost makes you OCD out, I swear. One minit ewe'r just trying to slice a fruit to chase a shot with and then, before you realize it, ewe'r obsessing over the size of each wedge, whether you removed all the seeds and how much juice ewe'r losing in the slicing process. Just go wash your hands six or seven times and rock yourself to sleep in the corner for God's sake.

Leotard = a person with a low IQ that is obessed with Leonardo DiCaprio.

As most of ewe are aware, one of Idaho's Senators has recently come under scrutiny for his alleged participation in a George Michael like trangression in an airport bathroom in Minnessota. The Senator plead guilty to conducting himself disorderly and has now attempted to withdraw the guilty plea after the national media found out about it. While he had to have faith, the judge apparently told him "WHAM! I'm not allowing you to withdraw your guilty plea." I guess the hole "I didn't understand the law or my constitutional rights when I pleaded guilty" didn't really fly considering it was coming from a freaking jerk who writes laws for this country that have to comply with the mandates of that pesky little document known as the Constitution. The other weirdness that the rest of us non-Idahoans have figgered out of all of this is that that spud-loving conservatives have been a speculatin' on this cat's fondness for the hairy sex for 20 some odd years. I don't knowed what in the hell the guy's preferences in the rack have to do with his ability to get his legislate on butt Idahoans seem to be all about it even though they keep electing the guy. The guy actually stated that one reason he admitted to conducting himself disorderly was because he was feeling pressure from a major newspaper printing a story claiming he and Barney Frank played on the same team. If a newspaper is writing stories about how you may or may not be gay, you either need to look that gay man who always appears in your mirror straight in his eyes and admit the true, or figger out why you only hang out with women, watch Lifetime, wear thumb rings and take so long to get ready. When this whole story broke, the Republican Party was hoping that this cat would quit stalling -so to speak - and resign. Well, the damndest thing happened. He held a press conference and gave it up but now, as late as this week, he's saying - once again - he didn't know what he was doing and he's going to hang around and finish his term. Gay or not, the guy's got gonards.

Utah is predominantly Mormon. Back in the day, Mormons use to buy into polygamy - one guy having multiple wives. For the record, they gave that up a long time ago. However, they are conservative and don't buy into same sex marriages. As one of my friends said the other day, their state motto should be '"Utah: You can have as many wives as you want as long as one of them doesn't have a penis.'" I would love to see that on a bumper sticker or a license plate.

Papa John's is flogging what they say are two new pizzas. Being a man with a gut and a taste for pie, I am always attentive to piemercials. The two new flavors are a Six Cheese Pizza and a Sicilian Meats Pizza. No matter how many freaking versions of bovine lactate your throw on a pizza, its still just a cheese pizza. I ain't sayin' it ain't tastier than a chocolate covered boobie on Valentine's Day. I'm just sayin' the general pizza eatin' public is smart enough to know that this is just some kind of fancier version of a regular ole dang ole dang cheese pizza. I think someone else already holds the patent for putting cheeeze on dough with sauce. The other new pie that consits of "Sicilian Meats" is a glorified pepporoni and sausage pizza. Once again, I'm all about some sausage and pepporoni pizza but you don't have to invoke thoughts of "The Old Country" and Vito Coreleno kealing over outside his house to get me to order a pepporoni and sausage pizza.

Eye'm just sayin.....