If the house is a rockin', don't bother knockin' cause that's just the New Madrid Fault sayin' "Hello" so come on in!

Just when you thought insomnia and a penchant for not being able to let thoughts about your work go would never pay off, your house starts shaking at 4:40 a.m.ish and it all pays off. Of course, that didn't make the previous two hours of me tossing and turning and rolling myself up in the sheets like a joint worth while, but the last twenty minits have been fun.

Here's the thing that been's funnest. For all its Breaking Weather bullshit, it took WPSDTV a little less than 10 minutes to get something on the air declaring a quake o the earth had occurred. Now, tell me if I'm Wong here, but wouldn't an ---- THIS JUST IN... AT 5:00 ON THE DOT THEY STARTED TALKING ABOUT IT. 5.4 ON THE RICHTER SCALE ---- earthquake be breaking news because they are very rare and they literally break shit? They spent every bit of 4 minutes max on the earthquake. Now, if it has been snowing or, there had been a thunderstorm, the majority of the newscast would have been devoted to coverage of such a monumental event. But something as pesky as little 5.4 magnitude earthquake isn't breaking enough. Wait a minute, they did add a rather nifty graphic showing the earthquake on their fancy weather map. But's its gone now. It's been broken over by news of other weather. Apparrently it's going to rain.

The best way to describe the earthquake would be like the shaking of my love handles when I run down a flight of stairs. Or maybe its like how you shake the shit out of your kid when they do something wrong......, er, uh, .... forget that example. Butt seriously, like a Sir Mixalot video, it shook my wife's house like Jello-O. It was really weird because I was sitting hear on the couch trying to be quiet in my non-being able to sleepness. I had the t.v. down very low and was contemplating trying to trick myself into attempting to sleep again and then, out of nowhere, I felt like a pair of double DD's at trampoline camp. My wife immediately came out the room and diagnosed the situation. I thought it was some type of strong wind. Then, realizing that (A) she's smarter than me (B) she's always write and (C) we don't live in a trailer, I concurred with her diagnosis and sent off the appropriate paperwork so we could be reimbursed accordingly.

What do you do after an earthquake? Do you run out into the streets screaming? I thought about it. It sort of seemed appropriate. I thought that I had saw that on a movie somewhere but I decided against it since my wife calmly took a pull from a Diet Sun Drop and went back to bed with our son. Do you start looting and pillaging? I could use a Rolex but the correlation between earthquake and breaking into Michelson's seems tenuous. Maybe there are some books or websites that you can find that tell you what to do after you lived through such a traumatic event as this. I'm sure #1 on the list is look down where your walking and don't step into any cracks. That's the first thing I'm going to look for. Aren't you always suppose to have bottled water and a first aid kit handy to survive an earthquake? How did I make through? Should I go buy that stuff now in case Sheriff Hayden or somebody comes by to check?

Maybe I should write a book about how to survive earthquakes. Step 1. Lay on a couch with a blanket, preferably some type of crocheted action. Step 2. Have a laptop computer and wireless internet. Step 3. Remain Calm. Step 4. Listen to and do what your wife says. Step. 5. Always remember 4. That's a freaking bestseller if I've ever seen it. I should get my own earthquake survival show like that saucy Bear Grylls dude on Discovery Channel who use to be in the English special forces. Have you seen this cat? They drop him off in some god awful joint with the clothes on his limey back and a knife and he lives off the land for a week and shows you how to survive. Basically, he finds an excuse in every espisode to drink his own pee but he's a cool dude. The bastard is fearless and eats things that would make a billygoat reach for the Pepto. Anyway, I could have like a weekly series where I traveled around to known fault regions and tested my survivability by laying on a couch in each region with my computer. I mean, I might have to try different types of blankets and there would be no guarantees that I would have internet access, or that my wife would even let me go. It could be very dangerous. I think I know what the cable viewing public need. My fat ass on a couch with a laptop and blanket in different parts of the world, for thirty minutes, weekly. Oh yeah. I haven't seen this much potential since New Coke or the Le Car.

Well, I'm pretty sure martial law is not going to be called into effect. Birds are singing. The sun is still coming up. According to picture I just saw on Channel Six, Superman still showed up for work today in Metropolis. We're going to be all write. Just look down where you're walking and don't step into any cracks.

I can't stand it. WPSDTV has just named it the "Illinios Earthquake". I'm guessing that's because its epcotcenter was in Illinois. That may be the technical earthquakeologist way to go about naming your children, so to speak, but, since it shook my wife's abode in KY, and I'm claiming this hear quake as my own. Let's be a little more patriotic about our earthquakes around these parts by God! SUPPORT OUR QUAKES! I swear to Jesus I may print up bumper stickers that say such. I have truly just discovered that sometimes being tired is just as crazy as being drunk. Thank you. The 4:30 a.m. show is completely different from the 6:00 a.m. show. Tip your waitress.

....I'm just sayin.....