Is that a gun in my window or are you just the Chief of Police?

The weirdest thang about Paducah's latest trip to Scandalville is the fact that it all centers on the Chief of Police (COP) using his gun to try and break in a window. Who in the hell uses a loaded gun to try to break in a window? Either shoot or get off the pot.

Kung Fu Junction (KFJ) - the newly-elected press-hungry City Commission that fancies himself a sensay in his spare time - came straight out the box claiming COP should be fired for the gun incident and "sabotaging" a potential "To Humiliate a Pedophile" episode that was offered to be filmed in Paducah. How COP is alleged to have sabotaged the humiliating of the would-be pedophiles I haven't a clue. Apparently, not agreeing to something equals sabotage (I'm pronouncing the word "sabo - tahj). KFJ also called him out for the low morale of the officers and not holding himself to the same high Meatgate standards that he holds his other officers. All this I can see. The sabotaging I see less than if I were on a blind date with Helen Keller.

The local rag weighed in with an editorial saying improperly using your gun ain't no thang to worry about, as long as no rich Republicans are harmed, and COP was write for turning away the pedophile catchers because they're more into entertainment and ratings than actual law enforcment. As much as I hate myself for saying it, I disagree as to the former and agree with the latter. I find it screwed up that some adult computer nerds with funky nicknames and a penchant for claiming to be sex talking juveniles can lure people into a home, deliberately coax them into humiliating situations and then tape it all for broadcast. If you've ever watched one of those Pin the Arrest on the Pedophile episodes you'll see that, not only are no real kids ever in any danger, but these people coax these dumbasses into walking into the house nude or carrying embarrasingly wuss brands of liquor. Pedophiles should be in jail, no doubt butt this show is ridiculous. It's more about the host surprising the poor soon-to-have-life-ruined-felon and asking some dumb questions.

The City Manager (CM) - who incidentily runs the city but is not the Mayor, who's job description is to run the city - held onto the info about COP's McGyver like use of his Glock for more than a month before takin' the bag off the cat. KFJ said he was coverin' it up. CM jumped in and said, "Nah. I was just waitin' fer the right time to spring it on ye, and, oh, by the way, he didn't do anything wrong. No reprimand is necessary. I'm out!" That was a paraphrase by the way.

Ain't Paducah great? This is one of the few times a scandal has broken and resolved itself within' like three days. CM covered the whole thing up longer than it took him to decide COP's fate once it became public. You ever noticed that the way COP looks in his unyform makes him look like an extra from Police Academy 5? Everytime I see him on t.v. I keep waiting for Jonesy to come in, make some incredibly real sounding noises and then beat-box until the story about whether or not dogs and cats get into heaven comes on.

Speaking of that, dogs and cats going to heaven? I mean, have we got our freaking post-life dance cards filled up to the point where we've got to start worrying about whether or not Fido has been saved? Should you tell your neighbor's dog its going to hell next time it humps your leg? Are we going to start seeing crazily-dressed, big-haired televangelists preaching the virtues of licking yourself only for cleanliness versus for pleasure? Due to the number of offspring they produce, would it be fair to say that rabbits and cats are Catholic? Was it really that slow of a news day for these local idiots to come up with this?

The American Eagle School of Law and Tire Center is still open. It's not to late to register for next semester and get a free set of snow tires. You better hurry because the school and supply of tires is limited.

Barry Bonds was charged by the Feds today with being a liar. No shit. Under some circumstances, it's a crime. A little tip to help you realize when it is against the law to lie is this:
If you've been put under oath, are sitting in a little room with 12 grand people who are called jurors with an attorney asking you questions while everything is being recorded, you should tell the true. Another tip is, if your head is the size of a weather balloon, you've grown 2 inches and your foot size has increased since you began to hit a lot of homeruns in your late 30's and your testicles are the size of bb's, you should think real hard before answering questions about taking steroids. If you Hulk-out when asked about your back acne and whether or not you're unibrow is intentional, you should not answer questions about roids.

The amazing thang about this whole scenaroid is that Barroid was given immunity from prosecution for anything that he said other than lying. This fewl could have admitted to killing someone for roids and he would have had immunity. The only thing he could be rung up for was lying. He went in there and claimed all he did was use some "lotion" that his trainer gave him along with flaxseed oil. If that was what really caused Barroid to muscle up and start hitting all those home runs, every freaking major leaguer's locker would look like they were chronic masturbators with hard stool for all the empty lotion bottles and flaxseed oil containers that would be around.

I'm just sayin......