BetaHCG? Yeah you know me!

Rumor has it that me wife has done been swelled up for a second, non-consecutive time. That was the only way I could work a little President Cleveland humor into this discussion so excuse me. Depending on where you grewed up, that might be "swelt up", I'm not sure. In laidman's terms, I'm sayin there is proof, via a digital whiz dip stick, that a second yungin' is gonna appear in our happy home about 9 months from now.

The Twilight Zone or mojo moment of this whole gig is that this children was conceived in San Antonio TX. I was conceived in San Antonio TX. Purty tasty. I'll have to grow out one of those porno-stunt-double-mustaches, lose some weight, put on some navy short shorts with white trim and take some beach pictures with this kid to reenact some family photos of me that you can obviously tell have been dicussed with a mental health professional on a previous occassion.

Our first incredibly cute, yet extremely bossy and needy son is 28 months old. He's just gettin' a good grip on the talky-talky - as Billy Madison once referred to it - and now he's already going to have to brace for rudest of awakenings. You see, little man (LM) sleeps inbetwixt me and su madre. That is all on the same bed that the 90lb German Shephard hogs the foot of while snorin' louder than last year's Biggest Loser winner's pre-show submission tape. I mentioned to my wife that we should start to get LM usetuh sleeping in his own rack for the impending arrival of his sibling and she almost started to cry. Well, in all actuality, she did cry, but it doesn't count on the pregnant woman boo-hoo index because it was very minimal and stopped almost as soon as it started. I suggested we just get rid of all of her bedroom furniture and just cover the room in mattresses. That way, we'd have enough room for me, she, LM, the new yute, the dawg and anyone else who needs as Walton-like/Cider House Rules atmosphere to get sleep in. We could also rent it out as a toney private looney bin. It is either that, or get an attorney friend of mine to draw up the papers and serve LM with an eviction notice.

I just hope the flavor of this yute is female. Not that my wife, mother-in-law and mother don't lose their gourd over LM and think he is the greatest show on earth, but I know they all wished he appeared to be more burger than turtle on that faithful ultrasound. That was the only freaking appointment to girly doctor that I missed. I get this call from my wife and she can't even speak. She's crying and trying to talk in between sobbing, inhaling and simultaneously snorting her own tears. I thought our child was missing a leg or had three heads or something. It just turned out that my wife had seen the shadow of a turtle like object in the ultrasound which is indickative of boy. I just made up a werd! A shadow that looks like a hamburger means you better put down Thomas the Train and pick up those Dora The Explorer shoes and matching backpack.

My theory has always been even if it turns out to be an alien, as long as it is a healthy alien - and it doesn't eat me - I couldn't care less. Therefore, I'm going to exert all my inner hoo doo to hoping this one is a girl for the sake of my wife's sanity. She's had the name of her daughter picked out since she was like 11. I don't know if that means she was seriously in love with a relative or knew more about "things" than I did at that age, but she knows what she wants and I hope she gets it.

I've always wanted at least the double tango of childrens because I was an only yute without any in-town cousins or friends that lived close to me. My dad, having grown up in an Irish Catholic Family, had more religously named brothers and one similarly situated sister than my swillhead grandfather could remember. Tom Moore was the only name he could consistently remember and that was the name of his favorite bourbon/best friend. We always joked that his best year's were wasted talking to Tom Moore. Anyway I've always loved to hear stories about all them growing up, dirt poor, usually drunk or fresh off stealing something and how my grandmother tough loved them all the best she could. They weren't so much a family as they were a gang. If engaging in organized crime had been on the books then, they would have all been indicted.

My mother had two sisters. One's evil and the other is great. The other non-evil one was born 5 years apart on the same day as my mother. This always skewed my understanding of twins growing up. I always thought twins were 5 years apart and that never made much since considering all the ones I knew looked just a like and were in the same grade. That, in turn, screwed with my limited understanding of math because I couldn't figure how two people born 5 years apart were actually the same age. I thought there was some kind of day light savings type action applied to their ages. Its all a cyclical circle. Just enjoy the ride. Dramamine is available if necessary.

Hey, by the way, you ever noticed that identical twins usually look exactly a like but for some minor weird thing? Like you can tell Stephanie from Tiffanie because Tiffanie's nose is a little bigger than Stephanie's. Jill looks just like Jane but for that cowlick that she can't ever control. Bill and Bob couldn't be told apart without DNA except for Bob's undescended testicle and known uniball status. You smell what I'm steppin' in?

In other murds, I just hope it all works out. I.E. the yute makes it hear safe and sound. My wife doesn't lose her gourd or have any health issues and we're able to keep things somewhat in order and get through all those late and early evenings with some level of sanity.

I'm just sayin.....